Wednesday 4th November 2020 - 04:54:31 

Previously On Johns-Jokes

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Pick Up Line?

I will never forget this - I was in a bar one night with some of my girl friends.

If you have ever been in a bar, you know the bartender is always washing glasses, their hands are always wet. Consequently, when I ordered and paid for a drink, the change (which included several dollar bills) was all wet.

I kind of liked the bartender and was flirting and kidding around with him. The next time I ordered and was going to pay for my drink, I said jokingly, "This money is all wet, is it still good"?

He said, "Would you be good if you were wet"?

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17 of the Best !

Update - now 18.

  1. When I was born, I was given a choice - A big dick or a good memory.
    I don't remember, what I chose.

  2. A birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

  3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

  4. Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings..."

  5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men -"don't" and "stop", unless they are used together.

  6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to best thing on earth.

  7. There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.

  8. Virginity can be cured.

  9. Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity.

  10. Having sex is like playing bridge.
    If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

  11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small.

  12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

  13. Q: What's an Australian kiss?
    A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

  14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing.
    He was happy with the hole and she was happy with the thing.

  15. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life?
    A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn't.

  16. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
    A: Breasts don't have eyes.

  17. Despite the old saying, "Don't take your troubles to bed", many men still sleep with their wives.

  18. A friend asked what I would regret most if I were to die in my sleep?
    Probably going to bed.

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Marvellous Answer

A mechanic was removing the cylinder heads from the motor of a car when he spotted the famous heart surgeon in his shop, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager to come to take a look at his car.

The mechanic shouted across the garage,"Hello Doctor!! Please come over here for a minute."

The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked argumentatively, "So doctor, look at this. I also open hearts, take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish this will work as a new one. So how come you get the big money, when you and me is doing basically the same work? "

The doctor leaned over and whispered to the mechanic.... .


He said:

"Try to do it when the engine is running".

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Under The Influence

Walking up to the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided to the bartender, "I'm so ticked off!"

"Oh yeah? What happened?" asked the bartender politely.

"See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just
about to make love when her damn husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out the bedroom window and hang from the ledge by my fingernails!"

"Gee, that's tough!" commiserated the bartender.

"Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated," the customer went on. "When her husband came into the room, he said, 'Hey great! You're naked already! Let me just take a leak.' And the lazy son of a bitch urinated out the window right onto my head."

"Yuck!" the bartender shook his head. "No wonder you're in a lousy mood."

"Yeah, but I haven't told you what really, really got to me. Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished, the husband tossed his condom out the window. And where does it land? On my damn forehead!"

"Damn, that really is a drag!" says the bartender.

"Oh, I'm not finished. What really ticked me off was when the husband had to take a dump. It turns out that their toilet is broken, so he stuck his butt out the window and let loose right on my head!"

The bartender paled. "That would sure mess up my day."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," the fellow rattled on, "but do you know what REALLY, REALLY, REALLY ticked me off? When I looked down, I noticed that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground!!"

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Inside Smells

A Marine and a Army soldier were at a barber shop getting a haircut and shave. When the barbers were done they got the after shave to slap on their face and neck.

The Marine yelled "don't put that crap on me cause my wife will think I have been in a whorehouse"!

The soldier said, "Go ahead and put it on me, my wife does not know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like"

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Am I Hurting You?

The wife had had a hard day with the kids, her husband came home in a foul mood, and not much was said at all during a dinner which no one seemed to like. After the kids were bathed and bedded, she took a long, leisurely bath and crawled into bed, only to have an unwashed, slightly drunken husband come into the bedroom, rip off his clothes, climb into bed and plops on top of her.

"Get off of me, will ya!?"

"What's the matter, am I hurting you?"

"No, you're not hurting me, you're annoying me. How in the hell did you ever imagine you could hurt me with THAT!"

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Safari and the Lion

John came back from a safari in Africa. Upon arrival, he went to his friend Mark, and told him of his adventures.

"I was out in the jungle," he said, "when all of a sudden I heard a noise in the bush behind me. Looking back, I saw a huge lion, licking his chops, and smiling at me. The lion started coming my way and I started running, with the lion not far behind. When the lion was almost at my neck, he suddenly slipped, and I got ahead a bit. The lion started gaining on me, and as he got closer, once again he slipped. I happened to see a house not far away,and made towards it. As I got close to the house, the lion was almost on top of me, when he slipped for a third time. With the very last bit of strength, I ran into the house and closed the door in the lion's face."

"That's some story there, John, I would have messed my pants."


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Ufo Runs Short of Fuel and Lands...

A flying saucer was low on fuel, so it landed by a gas station on a lonely country road.

On its side were the letters "UFO." The gas station attendant was stunned, but his curiosity got the best of him. "Does that stand for Unidentified Flying Object?" he asked.

"No," one of the other-worldly travelers responded, "It stands for "Unleaded Fuel Only."

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All Done

An 80-year-old man went to Hollywood to pick up a prostitute and get some action. He noticed one hooker in particular and started flirting with her.

The prostitute started becoming annoyed and said, "Get lost old man! You're ruining business"!

"Sure would like to get some action tonight", said the old man

"You've got to be kidding! You're too old! You're all finished".

"What did you say"? asked the old man.

"You heard me - you're all finished".

"Oh," replied the old man, "how much do I owe you"?

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Miscellaneous - A Walking Economy

"Look at me!" moaned Jack to his friend Phil as they walked down the street, "I'm a walking economy"!

"How so "?, asked Phil

"Well, it's like this" replied Jack, "my hairline is receding, my stomach is suffering from the effects of inflation and the two things together are causing me a deep depression".

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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself

The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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