Tuesday 12th November 2019 - 20:30:55 

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The Best Way To Get A Man...


Sally was seen going into the woods with a small package and a large bird cage. She was gone several days but finally she returned. Her friend, Liz, had never seen Sally looking so sad.

Liz said, "Heard you went off in the woods for a couple of days. Glad you got back okay, but you look so sad. Why"?

Sally replied, "Because I just can't get a man".

Liz said, "Well, you sure won't find one in the middle of the woods".

"Don't be so silly, Sally said, "I know that. I went in the woods because I needed something there that would get me a man. But I couldn't find it".

Liz said, "I don't understand what you're talking about".

Sally replied, "Well, I went there to catch a couple of owls. I took some dead mice and a bird cage".

"So, how's that gonna help you get a man" asked Liz?

Sally said, "Well, I heard the best way to get a man is to have a good pair of hooters".






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Forgive your Enemies.....



All women should live so long as to be this kind of old lady!

Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, 'How many of you have forgiven your enemies'?

80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question.

All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.

'Mrs. Neely?'; 'Are you not willing to forgive your enemies'?

'I don't have any'. She replied, smiling sweetly.

'Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you'?

'Ninety-eight'. she replied.

'Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world'?

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation and said:

'I outlived the bitches'.





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One Night In A Bar


One night, while tending bar, the bartender notices this hideous looking fella at the far end of the bar with several hot women around him.

Finally, the bartender's curiosity gets the best of him, and he walks down to where the ugly man is.

The bartender says, "Please don't get offended when I tell you this, but I couldn't help noticing you have several beautiful women hanging all over you, and, forgive me, but you are not exactly the most handsome person I've ever seen. In fact, you're quite ugly. Now, normally, I would think these ladies are attracted to you because of your money, but I can tell by the way you're dressed and the fact that they are buying YOU drinks, it's not the money. Tell me, sir, ......what is it about you that these women are so crazy about"?

The man paused a moment......licked his eyebrows, and said, "I haven't the foggiest idea".





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Spending Money in the Usa

Here is an interesting comment on the current recession in USA:

Dr. Marc Faber concluded his monthly bulletin (June 2008) with the Following:

'The federal government is sending each of us a $600 Rebate.

If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, the money goes to China.

If we spend It on gasoline, it goes to the Arabs.

If we buy a computer, it will go to India.

If we purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala.

If we purchase a good car it will go to Germany.

If we Purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan and none of it will help the American economy.

The only way to keep that money here at home is to spend it on prostitutes and beer, since these are the only products still produced in the US !!!



http://www.opisygg-online.com/


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A Discussion on the Hereafter


The car came to a sudden halt.

"Have you run out of petrol" asked the girl somewhat sarcastically?

"No of course not" replied the young man.

"Then why have we stopped"?

"You will no doubt have noticed that we are parked in a secluded spot, so I thought you'd like a discussion about the hereafter".

"What do you mean" asked the girl?

"Simple. If you're not hereafter what I'm hereafter, you'll be hereafter I'ver gone".






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The Rules of English Cricket


For those of you who have ever watched a cricket match and not understood the rules, I have written them out below clearly and concisely.

There are two sides. One in and one out. Each man in the side that's in goes out, and when he's out he comes in then the next man goes out 'till he's out.

When the side that's in is all out, the side that's been out comes in and the side that has been in goes out and tries to get out the side that's coming in.

Sometimes you get men still in and not out when the side that is in is finally out. When both sides have been in and out, including those who are in not out, that's the end of the game.

Now hasn't that made it easier to follow?





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Potentially Vs Realistically


A young boy went up to his father and asked him, 'Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'

The father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.

Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.

Come back and tell me what you learn from that.'

So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!'

The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

The girl replied, 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?'

The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know what a million bucks would buy?'

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.

His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'

The boy replied, 'Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three million dollars .

But 'realistically', we're living with two hookers and a homo.






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A Hermaphrodite


A woman gives birth to a baby, and after-wards the doctor comes in and he says, "I have to tell you something about your baby".

The woman sits up in bed and asks, "What's wrong with my baby, Doctor? What's wrong"?

The doctor says, "Well, now, nothing's wrong, exactly but your baby is a little bit different. Your baby is a hermaphrodite".

The woman says, "A hermaphrodite.... what's that"???

The doctor says, "Well, it means your baby has the... er... features...of a male and a female".

The woman turns pale. She says, "Oh my god! You mean it has a penis...AND a brain"!?





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Calling in Sick

Cat Lover or Not, this is Hysterical! We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top this one:

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.

On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.

Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.

'Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it.

'You know where the button is,' I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. 'Reset it yourself!

'But I'm scared!' she persisted. 'What if it starts going and sucks me in?

There was a meaningful pause and then, 'C'mon, it'll only take you a second.

So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior as extremely cowardly.

Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.

It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.

Wild animals are sometimes faced with a 'fight or flight' syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the 'flight' option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent. The impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor butt naked in front of a group of 'been-there, done-that' paramedics. Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter......and not succeeding.

Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was.

'What's the matter?' They all asked, 'Cat got your tongue? If they only knew!'

Why is it that only the women laugh at this?





Shared by: http://worldlyideas.blogspot.com/


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My Local Pub is Best


'Y'know,' said the Scotsman, 'I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavish's. Now the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy four drinks he will buy the fifth drink for you.'

'Well,' said the Englishman, 'At my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two!'

'Ahhh, that's nothing,' said the Irishman. 'Back home in Dublin there's Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like.. Then when you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house.'

The Englishman and Scotsman immediately scorn the Irishman's claims, but he swears every word is true. 'Well,' said the Englishman, 'Did this actually happen to you?'

'Not me meself, personally, no,' said the Irishman, 'But it did happen to me sister.'






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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself
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The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

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Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

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