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Thinking Ahead


A married couple were delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end. The adoption center called and told them they had a wonderful Japanese baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation.

On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses.

After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, "What ever possessed you to study Japanese"?

The couple said proudly, "We just adopted a Japanese baby and in a year or so he'll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him".





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A Farmer Was Selling his Peaches Door to Door.



He knocked on a door and a shapely 30 something woman dressed in a very sheer negligee answered the door.

He raised his basket To show her the peaches and asked, 'Would you like to buy some peaches?'

She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked, 'Are they as firm as this?'

He nodded his head and said, 'Yes ma'am,'' and a little tear ran from his eye.

Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking, 'Are they nice and pink like this?'

The farmer said, Yes,' and another tear came from the other eye. Then she unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee and asked, 'Are they as fuzzy as this?'

He again said, 'Yes,' and broke down crying.

She asked, 'Why on earth are you crying?'

Drying his eyes he replied, ''The drought got my corn, the flood got my soy beans, a tornado leveled my barn, and now I think I'm gonna get screwed out of my peaches'.






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My Dixie Wrecked.


My son has a habit of leaving notes for me on the refrigerator.
One morning I came downstairs to find a note that read:

"My Dixie wrecked."

I read it a few times but whatever it meant refused to sink in.

I tried putting it out of my mind but it kept coming back. "My Dixie wrecked", "My Dixie Wrecked" ...

Weird how that puzzling note refused to leave my awareness. It would go quietly to the back of my mind and play over and over but never would it leave. I'd bring it to the front of my attention and review it closely: "My Dixie Wrecked"... Hmmm....

I got up for coffee and muttered to myself: "'My Dixie wrecked'" I wonder what that means?"

I even said it out loud a few times: "'My Dixie wrecked'! What's the meaning of that?"

I even asked my Mom! I said to her; "'My Dixie wrecked'. What does that mean?"

I'd change the accents: "my-DIXIE-Wrecked. MY-dixie-wrecked. my-dixie-WRECKED."

It was driving me nuts.

My son finally got home from school and I blurted out;

"My Dick's Erect!" What the hell does that mean?"

Any suggestions?


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The Marvels of Modern Medicine

An Israeli doctor says, 'Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in 6 weeks'.

A German doctor says, 'That's nothing, we can take a lung from one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in 4 weeks'.

The English doctor says, 'Hah! That's pathetic. We can take an arsehole from Scotland, put him in 10 Downing Street and have half the country looking for work in within 24 hours'.











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The Race Horse


The young male race horse came from a long line of winners, and did wonderfully in time trials.

However, in actual races he proved a little too romantic and could never quite bring himself to pass a mare.

So one day the trainer went to him and told him he'd have to be castrated.

The young horse, knowing that it was either this or the glue factory, took it philosophically.

After all, having the operation was almost a certain guarantee of a long and illustrious racing career.

After a short recovery period, the horse was again run in time trials, and found to do as well as ever.

But the first time he actually ran in a race, he only went about ten paces, before getting a dejected look on his face, turning around, and ambling back to the starting gates.

"What's the matter?" asked the trainer, "you were doing great"!

"Yeah, well how would you feel" replied the horse, "if five thousand people took one look at you and shouted

'they're off"!'?



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Lisa Was Called to Serve for Jury Duty...


Lisa was called to serve for jury duty but asked to be excused because she didn't believe in capital punishment and didn't want her personal thoughts to prevent the trial from running its proper course.

But the public defender liked her thoughtfulness and quiet calm and tried to convince her that she was appropriate to serve on the jury.

"Madam", he explained, "this is not a murder trial! It's a simple civil lawsuit.


"A wife is bringing this case against her husband because he gambled away the $12,000 he had promised to use to remodel the kitchen for her birthday".

"Well, okay", agreed Lisa, "I'll serve. I guess I could be wrong about capital punishment after all".



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The Best Way To Get A Man...


Sally was seen going into the woods with a small package and a large bird cage. She was gone several days but finally she returned. Her friend, Liz, had never seen Sally looking so sad.

Liz said, "Heard you went off in the woods for a couple of days. Glad you got back okay, but you look so sad. Why"?

Sally replied, "Because I just can't get a man".

Liz said, "Well, you sure won't find one in the middle of the woods".

"Don't be so silly, Sally said, "I know that. I went in the woods because I needed something there that would get me a man. But I couldn't find it".

Liz said, "I don't understand what you're talking about".

Sally replied, "Well, I went there to catch a couple of owls. I took some dead mice and a bird cage".

"So, how's that gonna help you get a man" asked Liz?

Sally said, "Well, I heard the best way to get a man is to have a good pair of hooters".






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Forgive your Enemies.....



All women should live so long as to be this kind of old lady!

Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, 'How many of you have forgiven your enemies'?

80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question.

All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.

'Mrs. Neely?'; 'Are you not willing to forgive your enemies'?

'I don't have any'. She replied, smiling sweetly.

'Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you'?

'Ninety-eight'. she replied.

'Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world'?

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation and said:

'I outlived the bitches'.





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One Night In A Bar


One night, while tending bar, the bartender notices this hideous looking fella at the far end of the bar with several hot women around him.

Finally, the bartender's curiosity gets the best of him, and he walks down to where the ugly man is.

The bartender says, "Please don't get offended when I tell you this, but I couldn't help noticing you have several beautiful women hanging all over you, and, forgive me, but you are not exactly the most handsome person I've ever seen. In fact, you're quite ugly. Now, normally, I would think these ladies are attracted to you because of your money, but I can tell by the way you're dressed and the fact that they are buying YOU drinks, it's not the money. Tell me, sir, ......what is it about you that these women are so crazy about"?

The man paused a moment......licked his eyebrows, and said, "I haven't the foggiest idea".





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Spending Money in the Usa

Here is an interesting comment on the current recession in USA:

Dr. Marc Faber concluded his monthly bulletin (June 2008) with the Following:

'The federal government is sending each of us a $600 Rebate.

If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, the money goes to China.

If we spend It on gasoline, it goes to the Arabs.

If we buy a computer, it will go to India.

If we purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala.

If we purchase a good car it will go to Germany.

If we Purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan and none of it will help the American economy.

The only way to keep that money here at home is to spend it on prostitutes and beer, since these are the only products still produced in the US !!!



http://www.opisygg-online.com/


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This can save your bacon

¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

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