Tuesday 3rd November 2020 - 09:37:17 

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A Mexican Woodpecker and a Canadian Woodpecker...

A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which place had the toughest trees. The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.

The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem.The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.

The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'im-peckable' (a term woodpeckers like to use). The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.

The two flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the so-ca lled 'im-peckable' tree almost without breaking a sweat.

Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?

After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion: Apparently, your pecker gets harder when you're away from home.

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Maybe an Hemophiliac

A lady-of-the-night was visiting her doctor for a regular checkup. "Any specific problems you should tell me about" the doctor asked?

"Well, I have noticed lately that if I get even the tiniest cut, it seems to bleed for hours" she replied. "Do you think I might be a hemophiliac"?

"Well, hemophilia is a genetic disorder and it's most often found in men," answered the doctor. "But, some woman do get hemophilia. Tell me, how much do you lose when you have your period" asked the doctor?

After some quick calculating, the hooker replied, "Oh, about seven or eight hundred dollars, I guess".

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More Quotations

Men get laid, but women get screwed.
.....Quentin Crisp (English writer)

When a man goes on a date he wonders if he is going to get lucky. A woman already knows.
....Frederick Ryder

Women need a reason to have sex -- men just need a place.
....Billy Crystal

I love the lines the men use to get us into bed. "Please, I'll only put it in for a minute." What am I, a microwave?
....Beverly Mickins

Do you know why God withheld the sense of humor from women? So that we may love you instead of laugh at you.
....Mrs. Patrick Campbell

Eventually, all men come out of the bathroom dressed as a majorette.
....Ernestyne White

A woman's appetite is twice that of a man's; her sexual desire, four times; her intelligence, eight times.
....Sanskrit proverb

There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked."
....Jerry Seinfeld

We got new advice as to what motivated man to walk upright: to free his hands for masturbation.
....Jane Wagner

March isn't the only thing that's in like a lion, out like a lamb.

You know why God is a man? Because if God was a woman she would have made sperm taste like chocolate.
....Carrie Snow

Women still remember the first kiss after men have forgotten the last.
....Remy de Gourmant

A man loses his sense of direction after four drinks; a woman loses hers after four kisses.
....H.L. Mencken

When women hold off from marrying men, we call it independence. When men hold off from marrying women, we call it fear of commitment.
....Warren Farrell

Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it.
....Lyndon B. Johnson

Why get married and make one man miserable when I can stay single and make thousands miserable?
....Carrie Snow

God made man before woman to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.

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Thinking Ahead

A married couple were delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end. The adoption center called and told them they had a wonderful Japanese baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation.

On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses.

After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, "What ever possessed you to study Japanese"?

The couple said proudly, "We just adopted a Japanese baby and in a year or so he'll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him".

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A Farmer Was Selling his Peaches Door to Door.

He knocked on a door and a shapely 30 something woman dressed in a very sheer negligee answered the door.

He raised his basket To show her the peaches and asked, 'Would you like to buy some peaches?'

She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked, 'Are they as firm as this?'

He nodded his head and said, 'Yes ma'am,'' and a little tear ran from his eye.

Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking, 'Are they nice and pink like this?'

The farmer said, Yes,' and another tear came from the other eye. Then she unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee and asked, 'Are they as fuzzy as this?'

He again said, 'Yes,' and broke down crying.

She asked, 'Why on earth are you crying?'

Drying his eyes he replied, ''The drought got my corn, the flood got my soy beans, a tornado leveled my barn, and now I think I'm gonna get screwed out of my peaches'.

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My Dixie Wrecked.

My son has a habit of leaving notes for me on the refrigerator.
One morning I came downstairs to find a note that read:

"My Dixie wrecked."

I read it a few times but whatever it meant refused to sink in.

I tried putting it out of my mind but it kept coming back. "My Dixie wrecked", "My Dixie Wrecked" ...

Weird how that puzzling note refused to leave my awareness. It would go quietly to the back of my mind and play over and over but never would it leave. I'd bring it to the front of my attention and review it closely: "My Dixie Wrecked"... Hmmm....

I got up for coffee and muttered to myself: "'My Dixie wrecked'" I wonder what that means?"

I even said it out loud a few times: "'My Dixie wrecked'! What's the meaning of that?"

I even asked my Mom! I said to her; "'My Dixie wrecked'. What does that mean?"

I'd change the accents: "my-DIXIE-Wrecked. MY-dixie-wrecked. my-dixie-WRECKED."

It was driving me nuts.

My son finally got home from school and I blurted out;

"My Dick's Erect!" What the hell does that mean?"

Any suggestions?

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The Marvels of Modern Medicine

An Israeli doctor says, 'Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in 6 weeks'.

A German doctor says, 'That's nothing, we can take a lung from one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in 4 weeks'.

The English doctor says, 'Hah! That's pathetic. We can take an arsehole from Scotland, put him in 10 Downing Street and have half the country looking for work in within 24 hours'.

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The Race Horse

The young male race horse came from a long line of winners, and did wonderfully in time trials.

However, in actual races he proved a little too romantic and could never quite bring himself to pass a mare.

So one day the trainer went to him and told him he'd have to be castrated.

The young horse, knowing that it was either this or the glue factory, took it philosophically.

After all, having the operation was almost a certain guarantee of a long and illustrious racing career.

After a short recovery period, the horse was again run in time trials, and found to do as well as ever.

But the first time he actually ran in a race, he only went about ten paces, before getting a dejected look on his face, turning around, and ambling back to the starting gates.

"What's the matter?" asked the trainer, "you were doing great"!

"Yeah, well how would you feel" replied the horse, "if five thousand people took one look at you and shouted

'they're off"!'?

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Lisa Was Called to Serve for Jury Duty...

Lisa was called to serve for jury duty but asked to be excused because she didn't believe in capital punishment and didn't want her personal thoughts to prevent the trial from running its proper course.

But the public defender liked her thoughtfulness and quiet calm and tried to convince her that she was appropriate to serve on the jury.

"Madam", he explained, "this is not a murder trial! It's a simple civil lawsuit.

"A wife is bringing this case against her husband because he gambled away the $12,000 he had promised to use to remodel the kitchen for her birthday".

"Well, okay", agreed Lisa, "I'll serve. I guess I could be wrong about capital punishment after all".

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The Best Way To Get A Man...

Sally was seen going into the woods with a small package and a large bird cage. She was gone several days but finally she returned. Her friend, Liz, had never seen Sally looking so sad.

Liz said, "Heard you went off in the woods for a couple of days. Glad you got back okay, but you look so sad. Why"?

Sally replied, "Because I just can't get a man".

Liz said, "Well, you sure won't find one in the middle of the woods".

"Don't be so silly, Sally said, "I know that. I went in the woods because I needed something there that would get me a man. But I couldn't find it".

Liz said, "I don't understand what you're talking about".

Sally replied, "Well, I went there to catch a couple of owls. I took some dead mice and a bird cage".

"So, how's that gonna help you get a man" asked Liz?

Sally said, "Well, I heard the best way to get a man is to have a good pair of hooters".

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Old Jokes   103    104    105    106  107  108    109    110    111   Latest

Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself

The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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