Thursday 12th December 2019 - 18:09:12 

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The Eleventh Commandment


Last week a very important meeting took place among God, the Pope and Moses. They were troubled because the President of the United States was behaving in an inappropriate manner and there were many people who saw nothing wrong in what he had done. They decided that the only course of action left was to create an 11th Commandment to get their message across.

Now, the problem remained exactly how to word this new commandment so that it matched the other commandments in style and holy inspiration. After great meditation and discussion they concluded: "Thou shalt not comfort thy rod with thy staff".





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This Won't Hurt A Bit...


Fred goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, I want to be castrated".

Doc says, "Look, I don't know what kind of cult you're into or what your motives are, but I'm not going to do that sort of operation".

Fred: "Doc, I just want to be castrated, and I'm a little embarrassed about talking about it, but I have $5,000 cash right here. Will you do it"?

Doc says, "Well, OK, I guess I could make this one exception. I don't understand it, but OK". He puts Fred to sleep, does the trick, and is waiting at the bedside when Fred wakes up.

"Well, Doc, how'd it go" Fred asks?

"It went fine, just fine. It's really not too difficult of an operation. As a matter of fact, $5,000 is a lot to pay for such a simple task and I felt a little guilty about taking that much. So while I was operating I also noticed that you had never been circumcised, so I went ahead and did that, too. I think it's really better for a man to
be circumcised, and I hope you don't mind my ..."

"CIRCUMCISED!" yells Fred. "THAT'S the word"!!!






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A Mexican Woodpecker and a Canadian Woodpecker...


A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which place had the toughest trees. The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.

The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem.The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.

The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'im-peckable' (a term woodpeckers like to use). The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.

The two flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the so-ca lled 'im-peckable' tree almost without breaking a sweat.

Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?

After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion: Apparently, your pecker gets harder when you're away from home.





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Maybe an Hemophiliac


A lady-of-the-night was visiting her doctor for a regular checkup. "Any specific problems you should tell me about" the doctor asked?

"Well, I have noticed lately that if I get even the tiniest cut, it seems to bleed for hours" she replied. "Do you think I might be a hemophiliac"?

"Well, hemophilia is a genetic disorder and it's most often found in men," answered the doctor. "But, some woman do get hemophilia. Tell me, how much do you lose when you have your period" asked the doctor?

After some quick calculating, the hooker replied, "Oh, about seven or eight hundred dollars, I guess".


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More Quotations


Men get laid, but women get screwed.
.....Quentin Crisp (English writer)

When a man goes on a date he wonders if he is going to get lucky. A woman already knows.
....Frederick Ryder

Women need a reason to have sex -- men just need a place.
....Billy Crystal

I love the lines the men use to get us into bed. "Please, I'll only put it in for a minute." What am I, a microwave?
....Beverly Mickins

Do you know why God withheld the sense of humor from women? So that we may love you instead of laugh at you.
....Mrs. Patrick Campbell

Eventually, all men come out of the bathroom dressed as a majorette.
....Ernestyne White

A woman's appetite is twice that of a man's; her sexual desire, four times; her intelligence, eight times.
....Sanskrit proverb

There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked."
....Jerry Seinfeld

We got new advice as to what motivated man to walk upright: to free his hands for masturbation.
....Jane Wagner

March isn't the only thing that's in like a lion, out like a lamb.
....Anonymous

You know why God is a man? Because if God was a woman she would have made sperm taste like chocolate.
....Carrie Snow

Women still remember the first kiss after men have forgotten the last.
....Remy de Gourmant

A man loses his sense of direction after four drinks; a woman loses hers after four kisses.
....H.L. Mencken

When women hold off from marrying men, we call it independence. When men hold off from marrying women, we call it fear of commitment.
....Warren Farrell

Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it.
....Lyndon B. Johnson

Why get married and make one man miserable when I can stay single and make thousands miserable?
....Carrie Snow

God made man before woman to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.
....Anonymous





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Thinking Ahead


A married couple were delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end. The adoption center called and told them they had a wonderful Japanese baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation.

On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses.

After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, "What ever possessed you to study Japanese"?

The couple said proudly, "We just adopted a Japanese baby and in a year or so he'll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him".





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A Farmer Was Selling his Peaches Door to Door.



He knocked on a door and a shapely 30 something woman dressed in a very sheer negligee answered the door.

He raised his basket To show her the peaches and asked, 'Would you like to buy some peaches?'

She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked, 'Are they as firm as this?'

He nodded his head and said, 'Yes ma'am,'' and a little tear ran from his eye.

Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking, 'Are they nice and pink like this?'

The farmer said, Yes,' and another tear came from the other eye. Then she unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee and asked, 'Are they as fuzzy as this?'

He again said, 'Yes,' and broke down crying.

She asked, 'Why on earth are you crying?'

Drying his eyes he replied, ''The drought got my corn, the flood got my soy beans, a tornado leveled my barn, and now I think I'm gonna get screwed out of my peaches'.






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My Dixie Wrecked.


My son has a habit of leaving notes for me on the refrigerator.
One morning I came downstairs to find a note that read:

"My Dixie wrecked."

I read it a few times but whatever it meant refused to sink in.

I tried putting it out of my mind but it kept coming back. "My Dixie wrecked", "My Dixie Wrecked" ...

Weird how that puzzling note refused to leave my awareness. It would go quietly to the back of my mind and play over and over but never would it leave. I'd bring it to the front of my attention and review it closely: "My Dixie Wrecked"... Hmmm....

I got up for coffee and muttered to myself: "'My Dixie wrecked'" I wonder what that means?"

I even said it out loud a few times: "'My Dixie wrecked'! What's the meaning of that?"

I even asked my Mom! I said to her; "'My Dixie wrecked'. What does that mean?"

I'd change the accents: "my-DIXIE-Wrecked. MY-dixie-wrecked. my-dixie-WRECKED."

It was driving me nuts.

My son finally got home from school and I blurted out;

"My Dick's Erect!" What the hell does that mean?"

Any suggestions?


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____________________________


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The Marvels of Modern Medicine

An Israeli doctor says, 'Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in 6 weeks'.

A German doctor says, 'That's nothing, we can take a lung from one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in 4 weeks'.

The English doctor says, 'Hah! That's pathetic. We can take an arsehole from Scotland, put him in 10 Downing Street and have half the country looking for work in within 24 hours'.











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The Race Horse


The young male race horse came from a long line of winners, and did wonderfully in time trials.

However, in actual races he proved a little too romantic and could never quite bring himself to pass a mare.

So one day the trainer went to him and told him he'd have to be castrated.

The young horse, knowing that it was either this or the glue factory, took it philosophically.

After all, having the operation was almost a certain guarantee of a long and illustrious racing career.

After a short recovery period, the horse was again run in time trials, and found to do as well as ever.

But the first time he actually ran in a race, he only went about ten paces, before getting a dejected look on his face, turning around, and ambling back to the starting gates.

"What's the matter?" asked the trainer, "you were doing great"!

"Yeah, well how would you feel" replied the horse, "if five thousand people took one look at you and shouted

'they're off"!'?



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AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself
¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

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Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

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