Sunday 25th August 2019 - 11:51:17 

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The New Store in Town . . .


Two businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling'

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious senior walked to the window, had a peek and in a soft voice asked "What are you sellin' here"?

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes".

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You're doing well. Only two left".

Seniors - don't mess with them!




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Did You Know the Devil Actually Wears a Wig - Another Groaner!


Not many people know it, but the Devil actually wears a wig. You'd never know if you weren't told - it's a perfect fit.

Anyway, down in the world of fire and brimstone one guy did find out and he decided to have a little practical joke. So one night, he sneaks past the guardian demons and manages to get all the way into Satan's bed chamber, whereupon he steals the hair-piece and makes good his escape.

Well, of course the Devil was most displeased by this, and he rounds up his demons, and demands to know which of them had been so lazy as to let someone sneak past them. Naturally, none of them owns up, which makes him even madder: So he calls a general meeting of everyone the underworld: everyone has to attend.

The meeting is held in a huge cavern, and it's absolutely packed (except for the odd gap in the crowd, where there's a lava-pit or bottomless fissure in the floor). As Satan steps up to speak, everyone sees that he's got no hair, and peals of laughter start echoing out around the hall.

The devil bellows at them to be quiet, and a deadly hush falls.

"Whoever stole it", he shouts, "had better return it immediately"! And here he paused for effect...

"Or else there'll be Hell Toupee"!



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The Dyslexic Cop


A dyslexic cop is severely reprimanded by his captain because the spelling on his police reports is incomprehensible. "How can you expect anyone to read this! If you file just one more report with any and I mean *ANY* words misspelled, you are going on report" screams the captain!

The cop vows not to make any more mistakes. The next day he is in his patrol car when a report of a traffic accident comes over his two way radio. He arrives on the scene to discover a grisly head-on collision. The cop takes out his notebook and begins to write, taking care to spell each word correctly.

"One, O-N-E. Ford, F-O-R-D. In the ditch, D-I-T-C-H".

"That's good", thinks the cop as he walks across the street to the other vehicle.

"One, O-N-E. Dodge, D-O-D-G-E. In the ditch, D-I-T-C-H".

"I am doing great" says the cop out loud as he confidently walks to the middle of the highway, where he discovers a decapitated head!

"One, O-N-E. Head, H-E-A-D. In the boulevard, B-O-L ... B-L-U ... B-O-L-L ... B-I-L ..."

Finally, the frustrated cop looks around, then kicks the head with his boot, and writes, "One head in the D-I-T-C-H".

Courtesy of: http://www.funnybone.com/dr/081209.shtml


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The New Oxford Dictionary's Latest Update on Definition of the Following Words


Divorce : Future tense of marriage.

Compromise : The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

Classic : Books which people praise but do not read.

Smile : A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

Office : A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

Etc. : A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

Experience : The name men give to their mistakes.

Philosopher: A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.

Father : A banker provided by nature.

Criminal : A guy no different from the rest ... except that he got caught.

Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

Politician : One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.

Doctor : person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.







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Two Free Tickets To The Show


A young couple got married and went away on their honeymoon. After two weeks they came back and finally put away all of the presents they received from friends and family. Since this was a new home, the process took some time.

The silver went into the closet, items were put on the walls for display and some of the more intimate apparel was put in the bedroom drawers.

A week later, they received in the mail two tickets for a popular show where tickets were impossible to get. They were very excited and warmed by the gesture of the person who sent this. Inside the envelope, however, was only a small piece of paper with a single line.

"Guess who sent them".

The pair had much fun trying to identify the donor, but failed in the effort. They went to the theatre, and had a wonderful time. On their return home late at night, still trying to guess the identity of the unknown host, they found the house stripped of every article of value. And on the bare table in the dining-room was a piece of paper on which was written in the same hand as the enclosure with the tickets:

"Now you know"!


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Your Annual Dementia Test


It's that time of year to take our annual senior citizen test.

Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles.

As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it!

Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence.

Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not.

The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer.

OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.



1. What do you put in a toaster?





Answer: 'bread.' If you said 'toast,' give up now and do something else.
Try not to hurt yourself.

If you said, bread, go to Question 2.






2. Say ' silk' five times. Now spell 'silk.' What do cows drink?






Answer: Cows drink water. If you said 'milk,' don't attempt the next question.

Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat.

Content yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Auto World.

However, if you said 'water', proceed to question 3.





3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks,

what is a green house made from?




Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said 'green bricks,' why are you still reading these???If you said 'glass,' go on to Question 4.




4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany

(If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany .)

Anyway, during the flight, two engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine

is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he can do

so and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of 'no man's land' between East Germany

and West Germany .

Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany , West Germany , or no man's land'?




Answer: You don't bury survivors. If you said ANYTHING else, you're a dunce and you must stop.




If you said, 'You don't bury survivors', proceed to the next question.




5. Without using a calculator!

You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales .

In London , 17 people get on the bus.

In Reading , six people get off the bus and nine people get on.

In Swindon , two people get off and four g et on.

In Cardiff , 1 1 people get off and 16 people get on.

In Swansea , three people get off and five people get on .

In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven.

What was the name of the bus driver?






Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!
Don't you remember your own name? It was YOU!!



Never mind, it part of getting old.....







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A Talking Parrot


A honeymooning couple had purchased a talking parrot and taken it to their room, where much to the groom's annoyance, the bird kept up a running commentary on their love-making.

Finally the groom threw a large towel over the cage and threatened to give the parrot to the zoo if he didn't quit it.

The next morning, packing to return home, the couple couldn't close a large suitcase. The groom said, "Darling, you get on top and I'll try". That didn't work. Figuring they needed more weight on the lid, she said, "Sweetheart, you get on top and I'll try". Still no success. Then he said, "Look. Let's both get on top and try".

At that point the parrot yanked away the towel and said, "Zoo or no zoo.
This... I gotta see" !!!







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Why Are We Here?


On a beautiful Summer's day, a father and his eight-year-old son were lying on the grass by the river bank, looking up at the sky and watching the wisps of cloud float gently overhead.

After a few minutes of silence, the boy turned to the father and said: "Dad, why are we here"?

"That's a good question, son. I think we're here to enjoy days such as this, to experience nature in all its glory, the vastness of the sky, the beauty of the trees, the song of the birds, the rippling flow of the water. We're here to help make the world a better place, to pass on our wisdom to future generations who will hopefully profit from our achievements and learn from our mistakes.

We're here to savor the small triumphs of life - passing your school exams, the birth of a new member of the family, promotion at work, a win for the home team. And we're here to comfort those dearest to us in times of distress, to provide kindness and compassion, support and strength, to let them know that, no matter how bad a situation may seem, they are not alone.

Does that answer your question, son"?

"Not really, Dad".

"No"?

"No, what I meant was, why are we here when Mom said to pick her up over an hour ago"?




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The Eleventh Commandment


Last week a very important meeting took place among God, the Pope and Moses. They were troubled because the President of the United States was behaving in an inappropriate manner and there were many people who saw nothing wrong in what he had done. They decided that the only course of action left was to create an 11th Commandment to get their message across.

Now, the problem remained exactly how to word this new commandment so that it matched the other commandments in style and holy inspiration. After great meditation and discussion they concluded: "Thou shalt not comfort thy rod with thy staff".





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This Won't Hurt A Bit...


Fred goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, I want to be castrated".

Doc says, "Look, I don't know what kind of cult you're into or what your motives are, but I'm not going to do that sort of operation".

Fred: "Doc, I just want to be castrated, and I'm a little embarrassed about talking about it, but I have $5,000 cash right here. Will you do it"?

Doc says, "Well, OK, I guess I could make this one exception. I don't understand it, but OK". He puts Fred to sleep, does the trick, and is waiting at the bedside when Fred wakes up.

"Well, Doc, how'd it go" Fred asks?

"It went fine, just fine. It's really not too difficult of an operation. As a matter of fact, $5,000 is a lot to pay for such a simple task and I felt a little guilty about taking that much. So while I was operating I also noticed that you had never been circumcised, so I went ahead and did that, too. I think it's really better for a man to
be circumcised, and I hope you don't mind my ..."

"CIRCUMCISED!" yells Fred. "THAT'S the word"!!!






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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself
¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

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