Monday 19th November 2018 - 16:56:17 

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Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns


Dear Walter,

I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.

When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbors' daughter. I'm 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbors' daughter is 22. We have been married for ten years.

When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I'd leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely,

Sheila



Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it's clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires.

If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors. Mainly have your air filters cleaned or replaced.

I hope this helps with your problem.

Walter





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Ole the Farmer Buys a New Cow from Nordakota Cow


Ole is a farmer in Wisconee . He is in need of a new milk cow and hears about a nice one for sale over in Nordakota (that would be North Dakota for you non-Scandahoovians out there).

He drives to Nordakota, finds the farm and looks at the cow. He reaches under to see if the cow gives milk. When he grabs a teat and pulls...the cow farts. Surprised, Ole looks at th e farmer who's selling the cow, then reaches under to try again.

He grabs another teat, pulls, and the cow farts again. Milk does come out however, so after some discussion with the cow's current owner, Ole decides to buy the cow.

When he gets back to Wisconee, he calls over his neighbor, Sven, and says, 'Hey, Sven, come and look at dis ere new cow I yust bought. Pull her teat, and see vat happens'.

Sven reaches under, pulls the teat...the cow farts.

Sven looks at Ole and says, 'You bought dis here cow over in Nordakota, didn't yah'?

Ole is very surprised since he hadn't told Sven about his trip. Ole replies, 'Yah, dat's right. But how did yah know'?

Sven says, 'My wife is from Nordakota too'.



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The Skeleton In The Ravine


One day, Jim and Bob are out golfing. Jim slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs his 8-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball.

The brush is quite thick, but Jim searches diligently and suddenly he spots something shiny.

As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is in fact an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball.

Jim calls out to his golfing partner in excitement, "Hey Bob, come here, I got trouble down here."

Bob comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out, "What's the matter Jim?"

"Throw me my 7-iron," Jim shouts back. "I just realized you can't get out of here with an 8-iron!"



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The Bookmaker Stopped at the Even Steven Inn...


A certain bookmaker who was making a long trip by car when toward nightfall he happened upon an inn which had a most unusual name: The Even Steven.

Since it was located in the middle of a desolate stretch of country, and he didn't know how much farther the next place would be, he decided to stop there for the night. He registered, listing his occupation as a bookmaker, and decided to satisfy his curiosity about the name at the same time.

"It's very simple, really," the proprietor explained. "You see, my name is Steven Even. So I just decided to turn it around and call this The Even Steven. I thought if might get a few folks puzzled enough to stop and ask questions, and sometimes it does."

"That's a pretty smart way to use the luck of a name," said the bookie, appreciatively. "I bet it brings you a lot of business."

"It hasn't brought me so much luck," he said. "The folks who stop here don't stay long. There's not much gaiety around here, as you could see. In fact, there's not another soul lives closer than thirty miles away, whichever way you go. Makes it pretty lonely for me, a widower. And worse still for my daughters. Three of the loveliest girls you ever set eyes on, should have their pick of boyfriends. But, they are getting so frustrated they're about to do anything for a man."

The bookie made sympathetic noises, and listened to more in the same vein until hunger obliged him to change the subject to that of food. An excellent home-cooked dinner was served to him by a gorgeous blonde who introduced herself as Blanche Even, and when he was finished she still kept pressing him to ask for anything else he wanted.

Finally, she said, "Would you like me to sit and talk to you for a while?"

"Thank you," he said politely, "but I've had a long day and I feel like closing the book."

He went to his room and had just started to undress when there was a knock at the door and an absolutely breathtaking brunette came in. "I'm Carmen Even," she said. "I just wanted to see if you'd got everything you want."

"I think so, thank you," he said pleasantly. "I do a lot of traveling, so I pack very systematically."

When he had finally convinced her and gotten rid of her, he climbed in between the sheets and was preparing to read himself to sleep over the Racing Form when the door opened again to admit an utterly gorgeous redhead in a negligee to end all negligees.

"I'm Ginger Even," she announced. "I wanted to be sure your bed was comfortable."

"It is," he assured her.

"I hope you're not just being tactful," she insisted. "May I try it myself?"

"If you must," said the bookie primly. "I will get out while you do it."

When she had gone, he settled down with a sigh of relief and was about to put out the light at last when the door burst open once more and the proprietor himself stomped in, glowing with indignation. "What's the matter with you," he roared. "I've got to listen all night to my daughters moaning an' wailing, the most luscious gals in this county, because they all try to show you hospitality an' you won't give one of 'em a tumble. Ain't us Evens good enough for you?"

"I'm sorry," said the transient. "But I told you when I registered that I'm a professional bookmaker: I only lay Odds."





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At Any Given Moment:


79,000,000 people are engaged in intercourse right now.

58,000,000 are kissing.

37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.

I lonely bugger is reading e-mails.

You hang in there sunshine!







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Fatherly Advice from the Marriage Counselor


A husband and wife go visit a marriage counselor. First, the wife speaks to the counselor alone.

The counselor asks, "You say you've been married 20 years, so what seems to be the problem"?

The wife replies, "It's my husband -- he's driving me crazy! I'm going to leave him if he continues"!

"How does he drive you crazy"?

"For 20 years," she says, "he's been doing these stupid things. First, whenever we go out, he's always looking at the floor and refuses to go near anyone. It's very embarrassing".

The marriage counselor is amused, "Anything else"?

"He keeps picking his nose all the time! Even in public"!

"Hmm, anything else"?

The wife hesitates, "whenever we're making love, he NEVER lets me be on top! Once in a while, I'd like to be in control"!

"Ah," says the counselor, "I think I'll talk to your husband now".

So the wife goes out of the room and the husband enters. The counselor tells him, "Your wife says that you've been driving her crazy. She might even leave you".

The husband looks shocked, "WHAT? For 20 years I've been loving and considerate and I've always given her what she wants! What could be the problem"?

The counselor explains, "She says that you've got these habits that are driving her crazy. First, you're always acting strange in public--looking at the floor and never going near anyone else".

The husband looks concerned, "Oh, you don't understand! It's one of the few things my father told me to do in his deathbed and I swore I'd obey everything he said".

"What did he say"?

"He said that I should never step on anyone's toes"!

The counselor looks amused, "Actually, that means that you should not do anything that would cause anyone else to get angry".

The husband looks sheepish, "Oh. Okay".

The counselor continues, "And you keep picking your nose in public".

"Well, its another thing my father specifically commanded me to do! He told me to always keep my nose clean".

The counselor looks faint, "That means that you should not indulge in any criminal activity".

"Oh," says the husband looking very stupid.

"And finally, she says that you never allow her to be on top during your lovemaking".

"This," says the husband seriously, "is the last thing my father commanded me to do on his deathbed and it's the most important thing".

"What did he say"?

The husband replies, "In his dying breath, he said, 'Don't screw up"!'



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Fatherly Advice from the Priest


A man went to see his priest and stated in a very serious tone, "Father, something horrible is happening and I must talk to you about it".

"What is wrong, my son" asked the priest?

"My wife is poisoning me" stated the man.

The priest, very shocked by this, asked, ""How can that be"?

"I'm tell you, Father, I'm positive she's poisoning me. What should I do" the man pleaded?

"Tell you what. Let me talk to her. I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know" said the priest.

A few days later, the priest called the man and said, "Well, I have spoken with your wife. We spoke on the phone for almost four hours. Do you want my advice"?

The man anxiously replied, "Yes".

"Take the poison" said the priest!



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The Angry Husband


A woman went to her psychiatrist because she was having severe problems with her sex life. The psychiatrist asked her many questions but did not seem to be getting a clear picture of her problems. Finally he asked,

"Do you ever watch your husband's face while you are having sex"?

"Well, yes, I did once".

"Well, how did he look"?

"Very angry".

At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said,

"Well that's very interesting, we must look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your husband's face once during sex; that seems somewhat unusual; how did it occur that you saw his face that time"?

"Well he was looking through the window at us".



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The Drunk Staggered Up to Hotel Reception and Demanded Another Room


A drunk staggered up to the hotel reception desk and demanded his room be changed.

"But sir," said the clerk, "you have the best room in the hotel".

"I insist on another room!!" said the drunk.

"Very good, sir. I`ll change you from 502 to 555. Would you mind telling me why you don`t like 502" asked the clerk?

"Well, for one thing" said the drunk, "it`s on fire".




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The Nervous Newly Ordained Priest Learning About Confessions


A newly ordained priest is nervous about hearing confessions and asks an older priest to observe one of his sessions to give him some tips. After a few minutes of listening, the old priest suggests that they have a word.

?I?ve got a few suggestions?, he says. ?Try folding your arms over your chest and rub your chin with one hand?.

The new priest tries this.

?Very good?, says his senior. ?Now try saying things like 'I see', 'I understand' and 'Yes, go on'?.

The younger priest practises these sayings, too.

?Well done,? says the older priest. ?Don't you think that's better than slapping your knee and saying: ?No way! What happened next??






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