Monday 29th June 2020 - 09:36:48 

Previously On Johns-Jokes

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The Change of Plea

After a trial had been going on for three days, Finley, the man accused of committing the crimes, stood up and approached the judge's bench. "Your Honor, I would like to change my plea from 'innocent' to 'guilty' of the charges".

The judge angrily banged his fist on the desk. "If you're guilty, why didn't you say so in the first place and save this court a lot of time and inconvenience" he demanded?

Finley looked up wide-eyed and stated, "Well, when the trial started I thought I was innocent, but that was before I heard all the evidence against me".

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Little Johnny Asks his Father Where his Intelligence Comes from

Little Johnny went up to his father and asked, "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from"?

The father replied, "Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have all of mine".

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When the Thrill is Gone from the Marriage!

"The thrill is gone from my marriage", one buddy told another.

"Why not add some intrigue to your life and have an affair"?

"But what if my wife finds out"?

"Heck, this is a new age we live in. Go ahead and tell her about it"!

So the guy went home and said, "Dear, I think an affair will bring us closer together".

"Forget it"", said his wife. "I've tried that so many times and it never worked once".

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Poem for Women

He didn't like the casserole,
And he didn't like my cake.
My biscuits were too hard...
Not like his mother used to make.

I didn't perk the coffee right,
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.

I pondered for an answer,
I was looking for a clue;
Then I turned around and smacked him...
Like his Mother used to do.

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Frank and the Dwarf

Frank walked through the forest when he heard a cry for help. He found a dwarf, stuck in a trap. He freed the dwarf, and the dwarf granted him two wishes.

'My first wish' Frank said, 'is a bottle of beer that will never be empty'.

And flash, there was the bottle. Frank opened it, and drank it empty. The next moment, the bottle was full again. Frank was very happy.

'What is your second wish', the dwarf asked?

Frank replied: 'I want another bottle'.

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Tim and Sam

Tim: I hear you just got married again.

Sam: Yes, for the fourth time.

Tim: What happened to your first three wives?

Sam: They all died.

Tim: How did that happen?

Sam: My first wife ate poison mushrooms.

Tim: How terrible! And your second?

Sam: She ate poison mushrooms.

Tim: And your third ate poison mushrooms too?

Sam: Oh, no. She died of a broken neck.

Tim: I see; an accident.

Sam: Not exactly. She wouldn't eat the mushrooms.

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After the Operation

A male patient is lying in a hospital bed with an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. He is still heavily sedated from a four hour operation. A female nurse's aide appears to sponge his hands and feet.

"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young aide replies, "I don't know. I'm only here to wash your hands and feet."

He struggles again to ask, "Are my testicles black?"

Reluctantly, the aide pulls back the covers and raises his gown. She holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in her other hand, takes a close look at his genitals and says, "There's
nothing wrong with them!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask and says slowly, "That was nice, but listen closely:"

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The Divorce Hearing

Mr. and Mrs. Nearier come before the judge for their divorce hearing.

The judge says, "What are the grounds?"

Mrs. Nearier says, "Cruel and inhuman punishment. He tied me to the bed, forced me to sing Jingle Bells while he pissed all over me."

The judge says, "My God, that's horrible."

She says, "Yeah. He knows how much I hate that song."

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The Agronomist

A pineapple plantation owner in Hawaii was having a problem with his trees. He called in an agronomist to evaluate the situation.

"Your problem can easily be solved if you cover the base of each tree with cat manure" advised the agronomist!

With some difficulty and great expense the owner was able to secure enough manure for his trees. The trees produced a bumper crop of pineapples, with just a minor problem, they tasted a bit strange.

With some concern, the owner called his distributor on the mainland as asked, "Harry, do you think you can sell pineapples that taste a little like pussy"?

"I'm not sure, Harry answered, but, if you can figure out a way to make pussy taste a little like pineapple,
we'll make a fortune"!

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The Stay of Execution

An attorney got home late one evening, after a very taxing day trying to get a stay of execution for a client, named Wilbur Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last-minute plea for clemency to the
governor had failed and he was feeling tired and depressed.

As soon as he got through the door his wife started on about, "What time of night do you call this? Where have
you been?" and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a very large whisky and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by her predictable, sarcastic remarks.

While he was in the bath the phone rang, which the wife answered and was told that her husband's client had
been granted his stay of execution after all. Realizing what a day he must have had, she relented a little and
went upstairs to give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door she was greeted by the sight of her husband's rear view as he bent over
naked drying his legs and feet.

"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.

The attorney whirled around and screamed hysterically,
"For crying out loud, Woman! Don't you ever stop?"

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Old Jokes   7    8    9    10  11  12    13    14    15   Latest

Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself

The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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