Wednesday 20th February 2019 - 06:47:08 

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Blue Balls


The Pope had become very ill and was taken to many doctors who were all quite skilled in the latest medical techniques. None of them could figure out how to cure him, or even what ailed him. Finally, a wise old physician was brought in. After an hour, he came out and told the cardinals that the bad news was that the Pope had a difficult disorder of the testicles -- terminal blue balls.

He said that the good news was that all the Pope had to do to be cured was to have sex a couple of times. Well, of course this was not good news to the cardinals, who argued about it at length. Finally they went to the Pope himself with the doctor and explained the situation.

After some thought, the Pope stated, "I reluctantly agree, but only under four very strict conditions".

The cardinals were amazed and there arose quite and uproar. Over all of the noise there came a single voice that asked, "And what are the four conditions"?

The room immediately stilled.

The Pope replied, "First the girl must be blind, so that she cannot see with whom she is having sex. Second, she must be deaf, so that she cannot hear with whom she is having sex. And third, she must be mute so that if she somehow figures it all out, she can tell no one".

After another long pause, a voice finally asked, "And the fourth condition"?

The Pope replied, "Big tits"!


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Pick Three Hymns!!!


One Sunday, a pastor told his congregation that the church needed some extra money. He asked the people to consider donating a little more than usual and that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.

After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in one of the plates.

He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation. He said he`d like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.

A very quiet, elderly, saintly looking lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand.

The pastor asked her to come to the front.

Slowly she made her way to the front. The pastor told her how wonderful her gift was and in thanks asked her to pick out three hymns.

Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three most handsome men in the building and said, "I`ll take him and him and him".



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Income Taxes!


One day, this man, Robert, died. When he was sent to be judged, he was told that he had committed a sin, and that he could not go to heaven right away.

He asked what he did and God told him that he cheated on his income taxes, and that the only way he could get into heaven would be to sleep with a 500 pound, stupid, butt-ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it.

Robert decided that this was a small price to pay for an eternity in heaven. So off he went with this enormous woman, pretending to be happy. As he was walking along, he saw his friend Steve up ahead. Steve was with an even bigger, uglier woman than he was with. When Robert approached Steve he asked him what was going on, and Steve replied, "I cheated on my income taxes and scammed the government out of a lot of money...even more then you did".

They both shook their heads in understanding and figured that as long as they have to be with these women, they might as well hang out together to help pass the time.

Now Robert, Steve, and their two beastly women were walking along, minding their own business when Robert and Tony could have sworn that they saw their friend Jon up ahead, with an absolutely drop dead gorgeous supermodel / centerfold.

Stunned, robert and Steve approached Jon. They asked him how is he with this unbelievable goddess, while they were stuck with these god-awful women.

Jon replied, "I have no idea, and I`m definitely not complaining. This has been absolutely the best time of my life (and I`m dead,) and I have five years of the best sex any man could hope for to look forward to. There is only one thing that I can`t seem to understand. After everytime we have sex, she rolls over and murmur`s to herself, "Damn income taxes"!



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Have You Been a Good Girl?


Three girls died and were brought to the Gates of Heaven. Upon entering the gate, they were halted by St. Peter and his obedient angel. St. Peter told the girls, "Before entering you must answer this simple question".

"Which is ...", they replied in unison?

"Have you been a good girl", he asked the first girl?

"Oh yes", she said. "I was a virgin before I got married, and was still virgin even after I got married".

"Very good", said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl... the golden key".

"Have you been a good girl", he asked the second girl?

"Oh, quite good", she said. "I was a virgin before I got married, but was not after I got married".

"Very good", said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl... the silver key".

"Have you been a good girl", he asked the third girl?

"Oh no, not at all", she said. "I practically had sex with every guy I met before and after I got married. Anywhere, anytime".

"Very good", said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl... my room key".




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A Linguistic Professor in A Lecturer About the English Language

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his English class one day.

"In English", he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative".

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right".



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Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns


Dear Walter,

I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.

When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbors' daughter. I'm 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbors' daughter is 22. We have been married for ten years.

When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I'd leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely,

Sheila



Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it's clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires.

If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors. Mainly have your air filters cleaned or replaced.

I hope this helps with your problem.

Walter





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Ole the Farmer Buys a New Cow from Nordakota Cow


Ole is a farmer in Wisconee . He is in need of a new milk cow and hears about a nice one for sale over in Nordakota (that would be North Dakota for you non-Scandahoovians out there).

He drives to Nordakota, finds the farm and looks at the cow. He reaches under to see if the cow gives milk. When he grabs a teat and pulls...the cow farts. Surprised, Ole looks at th e farmer who's selling the cow, then reaches under to try again.

He grabs another teat, pulls, and the cow farts again. Milk does come out however, so after some discussion with the cow's current owner, Ole decides to buy the cow.

When he gets back to Wisconee, he calls over his neighbor, Sven, and says, 'Hey, Sven, come and look at dis ere new cow I yust bought. Pull her teat, and see vat happens'.

Sven reaches under, pulls the teat...the cow farts.

Sven looks at Ole and says, 'You bought dis here cow over in Nordakota, didn't yah'?

Ole is very surprised since he hadn't told Sven about his trip. Ole replies, 'Yah, dat's right. But how did yah know'?

Sven says, 'My wife is from Nordakota too'.



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The Skeleton In The Ravine


One day, Jim and Bob are out golfing. Jim slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs his 8-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball.

The brush is quite thick, but Jim searches diligently and suddenly he spots something shiny.

As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is in fact an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball.

Jim calls out to his golfing partner in excitement, "Hey Bob, come here, I got trouble down here."

Bob comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out, "What's the matter Jim?"

"Throw me my 7-iron," Jim shouts back. "I just realized you can't get out of here with an 8-iron!"



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The Bookmaker Stopped at the Even Steven Inn...


A certain bookmaker who was making a long trip by car when toward nightfall he happened upon an inn which had a most unusual name: The Even Steven.

Since it was located in the middle of a desolate stretch of country, and he didn't know how much farther the next place would be, he decided to stop there for the night. He registered, listing his occupation as a bookmaker, and decided to satisfy his curiosity about the name at the same time.

"It's very simple, really," the proprietor explained. "You see, my name is Steven Even. So I just decided to turn it around and call this The Even Steven. I thought if might get a few folks puzzled enough to stop and ask questions, and sometimes it does."

"That's a pretty smart way to use the luck of a name," said the bookie, appreciatively. "I bet it brings you a lot of business."

"It hasn't brought me so much luck," he said. "The folks who stop here don't stay long. There's not much gaiety around here, as you could see. In fact, there's not another soul lives closer than thirty miles away, whichever way you go. Makes it pretty lonely for me, a widower. And worse still for my daughters. Three of the loveliest girls you ever set eyes on, should have their pick of boyfriends. But, they are getting so frustrated they're about to do anything for a man."

The bookie made sympathetic noises, and listened to more in the same vein until hunger obliged him to change the subject to that of food. An excellent home-cooked dinner was served to him by a gorgeous blonde who introduced herself as Blanche Even, and when he was finished she still kept pressing him to ask for anything else he wanted.

Finally, she said, "Would you like me to sit and talk to you for a while?"

"Thank you," he said politely, "but I've had a long day and I feel like closing the book."

He went to his room and had just started to undress when there was a knock at the door and an absolutely breathtaking brunette came in. "I'm Carmen Even," she said. "I just wanted to see if you'd got everything you want."

"I think so, thank you," he said pleasantly. "I do a lot of traveling, so I pack very systematically."

When he had finally convinced her and gotten rid of her, he climbed in between the sheets and was preparing to read himself to sleep over the Racing Form when the door opened again to admit an utterly gorgeous redhead in a negligee to end all negligees.

"I'm Ginger Even," she announced. "I wanted to be sure your bed was comfortable."

"It is," he assured her.

"I hope you're not just being tactful," she insisted. "May I try it myself?"

"If you must," said the bookie primly. "I will get out while you do it."

When she had gone, he settled down with a sigh of relief and was about to put out the light at last when the door burst open once more and the proprietor himself stomped in, glowing with indignation. "What's the matter with you," he roared. "I've got to listen all night to my daughters moaning an' wailing, the most luscious gals in this county, because they all try to show you hospitality an' you won't give one of 'em a tumble. Ain't us Evens good enough for you?"

"I'm sorry," said the transient. "But I told you when I registered that I'm a professional bookmaker: I only lay Odds."





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At Any Given Moment:


79,000,000 people are engaged in intercourse right now.

58,000,000 are kissing.

37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.

I lonely bugger is reading e-mails.

You hang in there sunshine!







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