Monday 29th June 2020 - 05:55:34 

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Little Johnny and his Mum at the Beauty Clinic

Little Johnny goes with his Mum to a beauty salon and sits next to her while the therapist starts her treatment.

As the beauty therapist smothers cream over the mothers face little Johnny watches closely, fascinated by the actions.

"What's the lady doing mummy" little Johnny asks?

"The lady is making me beautiful" replies his Mum.

The therapist then starts to remove the cream with cotton wool.

Little Johnny suddenly calls out "what's the matter Mum is she giving up"?

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Cosmetic Surgery in the Most Intimate of Places

A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy.

Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed.

Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor.

"I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation"!

The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him: "I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself".

"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had the same procedure done some time ago".

"And what about the third rose" she asked?

"That's from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears".

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Cosmetic Surgery - the Boob Job

Two women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery.

The first woman says, "I need to be honest with you, I'm getting a boob job".

The second woman says "Oh that's nothing, I'm thinking of having my asshole bleached"!

To which the first replies, "Whoa I just can't picture your husband as a blonde"!

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Cosmetic Surgery

Over a pleasant evening meal some friends and I were discussing going to the gym and the various effects of working out.

Somebody mentioned that it was possible to get "pectoral inserts" for the "reasonable" cost of $6000.

I snickered, looked completely aghast and commented,

"For $6000 you could get a personal trainer and get the same result without surgery".

Rob replied,

"For $6000 you could get a woman who doesn't care what you look like".

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The Sex Athlete Marathon Man

A guy and his manager go down to the docks. The manager is betting every docker he sees that his guy can make love to 100 women in a row, without pausing, and satisfy them all.

Bets are made, and they agree that they'll meet the next day. The next day, 100 women are lined up along the dock. The guy drops his pants and starts.

True to his word, he moves from one to the next, satisfying each one without pausing: 1.. 2.. 3.. on and on he goes: 49.. 50.. 51.. He slows down somewhat: 83.... 84.... 85.... but he is still moving from one to the next, and the women are still satisfied: 97............ 98............. 99.............

...and before he can get to the last woman, he has a heart attack and dies.

The manager scratches his head in puzzlement and says, "I don't understand it! It went perfectly well at practice this morning"!

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Blue Balls

The Pope had become very ill and was taken to many doctors who were all quite skilled in the latest medical techniques. None of them could figure out how to cure him, or even what ailed him. Finally, a wise old physician was brought in. After an hour, he came out and told the cardinals that the bad news was that the Pope had a difficult disorder of the testicles -- terminal blue balls.

He said that the good news was that all the Pope had to do to be cured was to have sex a couple of times. Well, of course this was not good news to the cardinals, who argued about it at length. Finally they went to the Pope himself with the doctor and explained the situation.

After some thought, the Pope stated, "I reluctantly agree, but only under four very strict conditions".

The cardinals were amazed and there arose quite and uproar. Over all of the noise there came a single voice that asked, "And what are the four conditions"?

The room immediately stilled.

The Pope replied, "First the girl must be blind, so that she cannot see with whom she is having sex. Second, she must be deaf, so that she cannot hear with whom she is having sex. And third, she must be mute so that if she somehow figures it all out, she can tell no one".

After another long pause, a voice finally asked, "And the fourth condition"?

The Pope replied, "Big tits"!

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Pick Three Hymns!!!

One Sunday, a pastor told his congregation that the church needed some extra money. He asked the people to consider donating a little more than usual and that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.

After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in one of the plates.

He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation. He said he`d like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.

A very quiet, elderly, saintly looking lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand.

The pastor asked her to come to the front.

Slowly she made her way to the front. The pastor told her how wonderful her gift was and in thanks asked her to pick out three hymns.

Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three most handsome men in the building and said, "I`ll take him and him and him".

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Income Taxes!

One day, this man, Robert, died. When he was sent to be judged, he was told that he had committed a sin, and that he could not go to heaven right away.

He asked what he did and God told him that he cheated on his income taxes, and that the only way he could get into heaven would be to sleep with a 500 pound, stupid, butt-ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it.

Robert decided that this was a small price to pay for an eternity in heaven. So off he went with this enormous woman, pretending to be happy. As he was walking along, he saw his friend Steve up ahead. Steve was with an even bigger, uglier woman than he was with. When Robert approached Steve he asked him what was going on, and Steve replied, "I cheated on my income taxes and scammed the government out of a lot of money...even more then you did".

They both shook their heads in understanding and figured that as long as they have to be with these women, they might as well hang out together to help pass the time.

Now Robert, Steve, and their two beastly women were walking along, minding their own business when Robert and Tony could have sworn that they saw their friend Jon up ahead, with an absolutely drop dead gorgeous supermodel / centerfold.

Stunned, robert and Steve approached Jon. They asked him how is he with this unbelievable goddess, while they were stuck with these god-awful women.

Jon replied, "I have no idea, and I`m definitely not complaining. This has been absolutely the best time of my life (and I`m dead,) and I have five years of the best sex any man could hope for to look forward to. There is only one thing that I can`t seem to understand. After everytime we have sex, she rolls over and murmur`s to herself, "Damn income taxes"!

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Have You Been a Good Girl?

Three girls died and were brought to the Gates of Heaven. Upon entering the gate, they were halted by St. Peter and his obedient angel. St. Peter told the girls, "Before entering you must answer this simple question".

"Which is ...", they replied in unison?

"Have you been a good girl", he asked the first girl?

"Oh yes", she said. "I was a virgin before I got married, and was still virgin even after I got married".

"Very good", said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl... the golden key".

"Have you been a good girl", he asked the second girl?

"Oh, quite good", she said. "I was a virgin before I got married, but was not after I got married".

"Very good", said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl... the silver key".

"Have you been a good girl", he asked the third girl?

"Oh no, not at all", she said. "I practically had sex with every guy I met before and after I got married. Anywhere, anytime".

"Very good", said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl... my room key".

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A Linguistic Professor in A Lecturer About the English Language

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his English class one day.

"In English", he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative".

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right".

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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself

The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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