Monday 16th December 2019 - 12:07:00 

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A Vicar Books into a Motel


A vicar books into a motel.

He says to the receptionist "I trust that the porn channel in my room is disabled"?

The receptionist replies "No, it's just normal porn you sick bastard"!



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God Was Planning on Taking a Vacation


God is sitting up in his ivory tower, tired and worn out. He's had enough of the pressures and stresses of being the number one, so he's decided to take a holiday. He calls all his super-being mates together to discuss a few suggestions.

St. Peter, thinking, nods his head, then says, "How about Mars? It's nice and warm there this time of year". God shakes His head before answering, "Nah I went there 15,000 years ago. It was s**t, no atmosphere and too dusty".

"What about Pluto" suggests another? "No way" God mutters! "I went there 10,000 years ago. F***ing freezing it was too".

"What about Mercury?" says another. "Are you kidding?" says God. "I went there 5,000 years ago, I nearly burnt me bollox off it was that hot, never again".

"I've got it", says St. Peter, his face lighting up. "How about going down to Earth for your vacation"?

"You must be joking," says God, chuckling, "I went there 2,000 years ago, knocked up some Jewish bird, and they're STILL bloody talking about it".


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The Voice .......


A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you".

The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.

He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die".

The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.

"Where are you" the man asked? "Who are you"?

"I am your guardian angel", the voice answered.

"Oh yeah"? the man asked. "And where the heck were you when I got married"?


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A Man Went into the Proctologist's Office for his First Internal Exam.


The prostate doctor told him to have a seat in the examination room and that he would be with him in just a few minutes.

When the man sat down and began observing the tools, he noticed there were 3 items on a stand next to the prostate doctor's desk.

1. A tube of K-Y jelly
2. A rubber glove
3. A beer

When the prostate doctor finally came in, the man said "Look Doc, I'm a little confused. This is my first exam. I know what the K-Y Jelly is for, and I know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the BEER is for?

At that the prostate doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door.

The prostate doctor flung the door open and yelled to his nurse, "Dammit, I said A BUTT LIGHT"!



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Little Johnny and his Mum at the Beauty Clinic


Little Johnny goes with his Mum to a beauty salon and sits next to her while the therapist starts her treatment.

As the beauty therapist smothers cream over the mothers face little Johnny watches closely, fascinated by the actions.

"What's the lady doing mummy" little Johnny asks?

"The lady is making me beautiful" replies his Mum.

The therapist then starts to remove the cream with cotton wool.

Little Johnny suddenly calls out "what's the matter Mum is she giving up"?


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Cosmetic Surgery in the Most Intimate of Places


A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy.

Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed.

Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor.

"I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation"!

The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him: "I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself".

"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had the same procedure done some time ago".

"And what about the third rose" she asked?

"That's from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears".



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Cosmetic Surgery - the Boob Job


Two women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery.

The first woman says, "I need to be honest with you, I'm getting a boob job".

The second woman says "Oh that's nothing, I'm thinking of having my asshole bleached"!

To which the first replies, "Whoa I just can't picture your husband as a blonde"!


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Cosmetic Surgery


Over a pleasant evening meal some friends and I were discussing going to the gym and the various effects of working out.

Somebody mentioned that it was possible to get "pectoral inserts" for the "reasonable" cost of $6000.

I snickered, looked completely aghast and commented,

"For $6000 you could get a personal trainer and get the same result without surgery".

Rob replied,

"For $6000 you could get a woman who doesn't care what you look like".


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The Sex Athlete Marathon Man


A guy and his manager go down to the docks. The manager is betting every docker he sees that his guy can make love to 100 women in a row, without pausing, and satisfy them all.

Bets are made, and they agree that they'll meet the next day. The next day, 100 women are lined up along the dock. The guy drops his pants and starts.

True to his word, he moves from one to the next, satisfying each one without pausing: 1.. 2.. 3.. on and on he goes: 49.. 50.. 51.. He slows down somewhat: 83.... 84.... 85.... but he is still moving from one to the next, and the women are still satisfied: 97............ 98............. 99.............

...and before he can get to the last woman, he has a heart attack and dies.

The manager scratches his head in puzzlement and says, "I don't understand it! It went perfectly well at practice this morning"!


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Blue Balls


The Pope had become very ill and was taken to many doctors who were all quite skilled in the latest medical techniques. None of them could figure out how to cure him, or even what ailed him. Finally, a wise old physician was brought in. After an hour, he came out and told the cardinals that the bad news was that the Pope had a difficult disorder of the testicles -- terminal blue balls.

He said that the good news was that all the Pope had to do to be cured was to have sex a couple of times. Well, of course this was not good news to the cardinals, who argued about it at length. Finally they went to the Pope himself with the doctor and explained the situation.

After some thought, the Pope stated, "I reluctantly agree, but only under four very strict conditions".

The cardinals were amazed and there arose quite and uproar. Over all of the noise there came a single voice that asked, "And what are the four conditions"?

The room immediately stilled.

The Pope replied, "First the girl must be blind, so that she cannot see with whom she is having sex. Second, she must be deaf, so that she cannot hear with whom she is having sex. And third, she must be mute so that if she somehow figures it all out, she can tell no one".

After another long pause, a voice finally asked, "And the fourth condition"?

The Pope replied, "Big tits"!


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