Friday 30th October 2020 - 12:22:21 

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Why Do Men Die First?

This is a question that has gone unanswered for centuries, but, now we know.

It requires a bit of explanation, first:

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race ... you're a male chauvinist.

If you stay home and do the housework ... you're a pansy.

If you work too hard ... there's never any time for her.

If you don't work enough ... you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay ... this is exploitation.

If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay ... you should get off your lazy behind and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her ... that is favoritism.

If she gets a job ahead of you ... its equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks ... its sexual harassment.

If you keep quiet ... its male indifference.

If you cry ... you're a wimp.

If you don't ... you're an insensitive *******.

If you make a decision without consulting her ... you're a chauvinist.

If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy ... that's domination.

If SHE asks you ... it's a favor.

If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear ... you're a pervert.

If you don't ... you're gay.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape ... you're sexist.

If you don't ... you're unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape ... you're vain.

If you don't ... you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers ... you're after something.

If you don't ... you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements ... you're full of yourself.

If you don't ... you're not ambitious.

If she has a headache ... she's tired. If you have a headache ... you don't love her anymore.

If you want it too often ... you're oversexed.

If you don't ... there must be someone else.

So Why do men die first?


Because they want to.

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Another Miracle: Water to Wine

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking"?

"Just water", says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine"?

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again"!

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A Vicar Books into a Motel

A vicar books into a motel.

He says to the receptionist "I trust that the porn channel in my room is disabled"?

The receptionist replies "No, it's just normal porn you sick bastard"!

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God Was Planning on Taking a Vacation

God is sitting up in his ivory tower, tired and worn out. He's had enough of the pressures and stresses of being the number one, so he's decided to take a holiday. He calls all his super-being mates together to discuss a few suggestions.

St. Peter, thinking, nods his head, then says, "How about Mars? It's nice and warm there this time of year". God shakes His head before answering, "Nah I went there 15,000 years ago. It was s**t, no atmosphere and too dusty".

"What about Pluto" suggests another? "No way" God mutters! "I went there 10,000 years ago. F***ing freezing it was too".

"What about Mercury?" says another. "Are you kidding?" says God. "I went there 5,000 years ago, I nearly burnt me bollox off it was that hot, never again".

"I've got it", says St. Peter, his face lighting up. "How about going down to Earth for your vacation"?

"You must be joking," says God, chuckling, "I went there 2,000 years ago, knocked up some Jewish bird, and they're STILL bloody talking about it".

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The Voice .......

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you".

The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.

He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die".

The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.

"Where are you" the man asked? "Who are you"?

"I am your guardian angel", the voice answered.

"Oh yeah"? the man asked. "And where the heck were you when I got married"?

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A Man Went into the Proctologist's Office for his First Internal Exam.

The prostate doctor told him to have a seat in the examination room and that he would be with him in just a few minutes.

When the man sat down and began observing the tools, he noticed there were 3 items on a stand next to the prostate doctor's desk.

1. A tube of K-Y jelly
2. A rubber glove
3. A beer

When the prostate doctor finally came in, the man said "Look Doc, I'm a little confused. This is my first exam. I know what the K-Y Jelly is for, and I know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the BEER is for?

At that the prostate doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door.

The prostate doctor flung the door open and yelled to his nurse, "Dammit, I said A BUTT LIGHT"!

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Little Johnny and his Mum at the Beauty Clinic

Little Johnny goes with his Mum to a beauty salon and sits next to her while the therapist starts her treatment.

As the beauty therapist smothers cream over the mothers face little Johnny watches closely, fascinated by the actions.

"What's the lady doing mummy" little Johnny asks?

"The lady is making me beautiful" replies his Mum.

The therapist then starts to remove the cream with cotton wool.

Little Johnny suddenly calls out "what's the matter Mum is she giving up"?

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Cosmetic Surgery in the Most Intimate of Places

A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy.

Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed.

Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor.

"I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation"!

The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him: "I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself".

"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had the same procedure done some time ago".

"And what about the third rose" she asked?

"That's from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears".

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Cosmetic Surgery - the Boob Job

Two women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery.

The first woman says, "I need to be honest with you, I'm getting a boob job".

The second woman says "Oh that's nothing, I'm thinking of having my asshole bleached"!

To which the first replies, "Whoa I just can't picture your husband as a blonde"!

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Cosmetic Surgery

Over a pleasant evening meal some friends and I were discussing going to the gym and the various effects of working out.

Somebody mentioned that it was possible to get "pectoral inserts" for the "reasonable" cost of $6000.

I snickered, looked completely aghast and commented,

"For $6000 you could get a personal trainer and get the same result without surgery".

Rob replied,

"For $6000 you could get a woman who doesn't care what you look like".

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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself

The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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