Sunday 21st October 2018 - 19:45:57 

Previously On Johns-Jokes

NO Pictures - Just Jokes
Mobile User Friendly


The Woman Answered the Knock at the Door And...


A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door.

She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there.He asks the lady 'Do you have a vagina'?

She slams the door in disgust.

The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman 'Do you have a vagina'.

She slams the door again.

Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days.

The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice 'Honey I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again'.

The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door.

The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice 'Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is going with it'.

She nods yes to her husband and opens the door.

Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question. Do you have vagina'.......

'Yes' she says......

The man replies Good!

Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours'?


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


One for the Brits' About the New Eu Directive No. 456179


EU Directive No. 456179

In order to meet the conditions for joining the Single European currency, all citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland must be made aware that the phrase 'Spending a Penny' is not to be used after 31st December 2009.

From this date, the correct terminology will be: 'Euronating'.

Thank you for your attention.


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


A Very Fishy Groaner to Beat Them All


A chap is fishing and hooks a salmon, he reels it in and is just going to kill it for his dinner when the salmon looks at him and says "Hey mate, don't kill me, I'm only a baby, I haven't swum the 7 seas yet, Gis a chance pal".

The man looks at the salmon "You can talk"?

"Course I can, go on put me back, there's much bigger fish under the bridge".

"All right", says the man,"I'll put you back, what's your name"?

"Rusty" says the salmon,"And yours"?

"Dave".

He puts the fish back in the water and resolves to say nothing of this to anyone, fearing that he'll become a laughing stock.

About ten years later he's fishing in the same spot and he hooks a monster. It takes him two hours to land it. He looks at it and pictures it on his dinner plate. Just then the salmon opens one eye and looks at him "Dave, is that you"?

"Rusty, I don't believe it, it must be 10 years since I let you go, what you been doing"?

"well Dave, I've had a fantastic time, I've swum the seven seas and all the oceans. In fact, I've just come across the Atlantic, but I was really disturbed".

"Why's that Rusty"?

"Well, I was half way across and a voice told me to swim deeper, so I did, deeper and deeper and I found this huge shipwreck. I counted 4 funnels, it felt like death so I had to leave".

"Wow rusty, that was the Titanic it sank and almost all on board were drowned".

"Ah, I knew it, in fact, I was so upset I had to sit down and write a poem about it" said Rusty.

"A poem, don't talk daft, you're just a fish, how can you write a poem, that's rubbish".

"No Dave, really, it's available in all bookshops now".

"Ok" says Dave, "so what's it called then"?

"Salmon Rustys titanic verses".





Didn't you believe me?


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


Just Fred Gets Stopped by the Traffic Police for Speeding


A California Highway Patrol Officer stopped a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. Since he's in a good mood that day, he decides to give the poor fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. So, he asks the man his name.

"Fred," he replies. Fred what?" the officer asks. "Just Fred", the man responds.

When the officer presses him for a last name, the man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it.

"Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name"?

The man replies, "It's a long story so stay with me. I was born Fred Dingaling. I know it's a funny last name, but kids used to tease me all the time, so I stayed to myself. I studied hard and got good grades.

When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, finally got my degree so I was Fred Dingaling, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream. Got all the way through school, got my degree so I was now Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry so I started fooling around with my assistant. She gave me VD. So, I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS with VD.

Well, the ADA found out about the VD so they took away my DDS so I was Fred Dingaling, MD with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my Dingaling, so now I'm just Fred".

The officer walked away in tears from laughing so hard and tore up the ticket.


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


An Elderly Couple Were Celebrating Their Sixtieth Anniversary.


The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired.

Holding hands they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved "I love you, Sally".

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armotred car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money - fifty-thousand dollars!

Andy said, "We've got to give it back".

Sally said, "Finders keepers". She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two FBI agents were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on the door. "Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday"?

Sally said, "No".

Andy said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic".

Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile".

The agents turn to Andy and began to question him.

One says: "Tell us the story from the beginning".

Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday..."

The other FBI agent turns to her partner and says, "We're outta here".




Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


Why Do Men Die First?


This is a question that has gone unanswered for centuries, but, now we know.

It requires a bit of explanation, first:

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race ... you're a male chauvinist.

If you stay home and do the housework ... you're a pansy.

If you work too hard ... there's never any time for her.

If you don't work enough ... you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay ... this is exploitation.

If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay ... you should get off your lazy behind and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her ... that is favoritism.

If she gets a job ahead of you ... its equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks ... its sexual harassment.

If you keep quiet ... its male indifference.

If you cry ... you're a wimp.

If you don't ... you're an insensitive *******.

If you make a decision without consulting her ... you're a chauvinist.

If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy ... that's domination.

If SHE asks you ... it's a favor.

If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear ... you're a pervert.

If you don't ... you're gay.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape ... you're sexist.

If you don't ... you're unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape ... you're vain.

If you don't ... you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers ... you're after something.

If you don't ... you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements ... you're full of yourself.

If you don't ... you're not ambitious.

If she has a headache ... she's tired. If you have a headache ... you don't love her anymore.

If you want it too often ... you're oversexed.

If you don't ... there must be someone else.

So Why do men die first?

|
|
V






Because they want to.


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


Another Miracle: Water to Wine


An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking"?

"Just water", says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine"?

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again"!


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


A Vicar Books into a Motel


A vicar books into a motel.

He says to the receptionist "I trust that the porn channel in my room is disabled"?

The receptionist replies "No, it's just normal porn you sick bastard"!



Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


God Was Planning on Taking a Vacation


God is sitting up in his ivory tower, tired and worn out. He's had enough of the pressures and stresses of being the number one, so he's decided to take a holiday. He calls all his super-being mates together to discuss a few suggestions.

St. Peter, thinking, nods his head, then says, "How about Mars? It's nice and warm there this time of year". God shakes His head before answering, "Nah I went there 15,000 years ago. It was s**t, no atmosphere and too dusty".

"What about Pluto" suggests another? "No way" God mutters! "I went there 10,000 years ago. F***ing freezing it was too".

"What about Mercury?" says another. "Are you kidding?" says God. "I went there 5,000 years ago, I nearly burnt me bollox off it was that hot, never again".

"I've got it", says St. Peter, his face lighting up. "How about going down to Earth for your vacation"?

"You must be joking," says God, chuckling, "I went there 2,000 years ago, knocked up some Jewish bird, and they're STILL bloody talking about it".


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


The Voice .......


A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you".

The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.

He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die".

The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.

"Where are you" the man asked? "Who are you"?

"I am your guardian angel", the voice answered.

"Oh yeah"? the man asked. "And where the heck were you when I got married"?


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures



Old Jokes   107    108    109    110  111  112    113    114    115   Latest


This can save your bacon

¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

Fuelled by: CodeIgniter - ver: 3.1.9  Debug: 54.92.160.119 / 834,904Mb / 19:45:57 / 200 / No Errors