Friday 20th September 2019 - 02:48:21 

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Wife Caught in the Act by Hubbie and Cabbie


A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight. While en route home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act.

For $100, the cabby agrees. Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tiptoe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man!

The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money. HE paid for the Corvette I gave you. HE paid for our new cabin cruiser. HE paid for your season football tickets. HE paid for our house at the lake HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!'

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do?

The cabby replies, 'I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he catches cold.'


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Perfect Puns


Humpty Dumpty had a great fall - and a pretty good spring and summer, too.
JA - Houston

I knew I had gone too far when I cheated the convicted gem smuggler. I had crossed the ruby con.
SGT Snorkel - Iowa

Just in time for Thanksgiving a blockbuster movie about sweet potatoes, 'The Silence of the Yams'.
dr. dirt - Alaska

When the lumberjack accidentally let his chainsaw slip he quickly became lacked toes intolerant.
JA - Houston

Even though Ashley was blind and under arrest, she still had hope that someone would brail her out.
Ashleyisbeautiful - Oilertown

How do farmers make crop circles? With a protractor.

I'll never forget that rainstorm near Los Angeles and how the rain came down in Torrance.
JA - Houston

When thunderstorms felt that they weren't getting paid enough, they went on a lightning strike.
The Punisher - Dallas, TX

Where do peas have their sight tested? In an iPod.
Ross Wagman

A bee's dream is to someday live in Pollenisia.

Some resist having the 'flu jab but it's quite innocuous.
Anna - Sheffield, UK

I wanted to be a clarinettist but I couldn't reed music.
SGT Snorkel - Iowa

My first job was peddling designer clothing. I was a Dior to Dior salesman.
SGT Snorkel - Iowa

You don't know anything at all about ancient Egypt? Tut, tut, tut.
Ayam

I once considered becoming a monk when I was young but I was cloisterphobic.
Guid - Minden, NV

They say curiosity killed the cat, and they weren't kitten.
Vinny Rampone

The Biomedical Engineer didn't have the heart to check the EKG machine.
Yehuda Hamer

She didn't like her masseuse, she rubbed her the wrong way.
Nicole - Chicago, IL

Smartly dressed poultry would be called chic hens.
SGT Snorkel - Iowa

Pompous male bees are often known to drone on about themselves.



Even more puns: can be seen here


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Another One for the Brits - an A-z of Essex English


ASSA COMMONS - Our Parliament Building.

ART ATTACK - Extremely perturbed, as in "Don't tell Sharon, She'll have an art attack."

ARST - Past tense of ask. "Jordan, I must've arst ya free fazzund times to clear up yer room."

BANNSA - A person employed to deny access or eject troublemakers at a club."Dave's got izself a job as a bannsa."

BANTY - A chocolate and coconut snack bar.

BAVE - To wash oneself.

BOAF - The two. "Oi Dave, ooja fancy most, Sharon or Tracy?" "Boaf" is the reply.

BRANSATCH - Motor racing circuit in Kent.

CANCEL - Administrative body of a town. "Darren, wive ad annuvva letter from the cancel."

CANTAFIT - Fake, as in money.

CHOONA - An edible fish purchased in a tin and usually prepared with mayonnaise.

CORT A PANDA - A big hamburger (smaller than an arf panda)

DAN TO URF - Sensible, practical.

DANNING STREET - Where the Prime Minister lives.

DANSTEZ - On the ground floor , where the biggest telly is.

DREKKUN - Do you consider? as in "Which dog drekkun'll win the next race?"

EFTY - Considerable. "Ere, Trace, this credit card bill's a bit efty."

EJOG - A small, spiky animal (hedgehog).

ERZ - Belonging to her.

EVVY - A big geezer who protects a smaller and more intelligent geezer, usually for money. "My name's Frank and this is my evvy, Knuckles."

EYEBROW - Cultured, intellectual.

FANTIN - A jet of water for drinking or ornament.

FARVA - A posh way of saying Dad.

FATCHA - Margaret, British Prime Minister 1979 - 1990.

FINGY - A person or object whose name doesn't come to mind. "I ad it off wiv fingy last night."

FONG - Skimpy undergarment.

FOR CRYIN AT LAAD - Mild expletive showing annoyance or surprise. E.G."For cryin at lad, Britney, if I say Yes will you give it a rest?"

GAWON - Go on. "Gawon Darren, eat ya granny's cabbage, it'll do yer good."

GIVE IT LARGE - To be thorough or enthusiastic.

GRAND - A football stadium. "It all wennoff atside the pub near the grand."

HAITCH - Letter of the alphabet between G and I.

IBEEFA - The Spanish holiday island.

IFFY - Dubious. "Ere, Trace, I fink this bread pudding you made last munf's a bit iffy."

INT - Indirect suggestion. " I gave Darren a sort of int that it was time to wash iz feet."

IPS - An unknown area of a woman's body to which chocolate travels."That Mars Bar will go straight to me ips."

JA - Do you, did you. "Ja like me new airdo, Sharon."

JACKS - Five Pound note. "Lend us a jacks, wilya?"

JAFTA - Is it really necessary? "Oi mate, jafta keep doing that?"

KAF - Eating house open during the day.

KAFFY - A girl's name.

LAD - Noisy. "Jordan, turn that music dan, it's too lad."

LARJ - Enjoying oneself.

LEVVA - Material made from the skin of an animal.

LOTREE - Costs ?1 for a ticket.

MA BLARCH - An arch near Hyde Park.

MAFFS - The study of numbers.

MANOR - Local area.

MINGER - An unattractive person (usually woman).

NARRA - Lacking breadth, with little margin. "Mum wannid to come rand but changed er mind. That was a narra escape."

NARTAMEAN - Do you know what I mean? (sometimes used as janartamean).

NEEVA - Not one nor the other.

NES - National Elf Service.

OAF - A solemn declaration of truth or committment.

OLLADAY - Time taken away from home for rest and adventure.

ONNIST - Fair and just, without a lie. "I never did it, onnist."

OPPIT - Go away , as in "Oi you, oppit."

PADDA PUFF - Soft, lacking aggression. "They're alright up front but they got a padda puff defence."

PACIFIC - Specific.

PAFFUL - Having much power or strength.

PAIPA - Sun, Mirror etc.

PANS AN ANNSIS - Imperial weight system.

PLAMMANS - A pub lunch usually made up of cheese and bread.

QUALIDEE - Good, as in "West 'Am's new striker's qualidee."

RAND - A number of drinks purchased for a group.

RANDEER - Locally. "There ain't much call for it randeer."

REBAND - Period of recovery after rejection by a lover. "I couldn't 'elp it. I was on the reband from Craig."

ROOFLESS - Without compassion.

SAFF - A direction of the compass, opposite north.

SAFFEND - An Essex seaside town.

SAWTED - Done, arranged, resolved.

SEEVIN - Very angry. "I woz seevin when I urd wot 'e sed."

TALENT - Attractive members of the opposite sex. "Dave's gan dan tan to eye up the talent."

TAN ASS - A modern terraced house.

TOP EVVY - A woman of plentiful bosom. "Ere look at that, Darren, she's well top evvy."

UG - An unattractive person. "Sharon's new geezer's a bit of an ug."

UMP - Upset, as in Got the Ump.

VACHER - A document which can be exchanged for goods or services. "I got a vacher to get in cheap at Forp Park."

WANNED UP - Tense. "I'm all wanned up at the moment."

WAWAZUT? - I beg your pardon.

WENNOFF - A fight commenced as in "It all wennoff".

YAFTA - You must : "Even if yer guilty, yafta av mitigating circumstances."

YOOF OSTALL - A place where holidaymakers can stay the night.

ZAGGERATE - To suggest something is better or bigger than is true."Craig, I must've told ya a fazzund times already." "Don't zaggerate, mum."


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Groaner About a Honda Motorcycle.


Bloke goes to the doctors, and says "doc, every time i fart, it makes a motorcycle noise".

"What, you mean vroom vroom"?

"No let me show you".

Proceeds to drop his strides and cuts one. It goes "HONDA"

Doctor says "thats unusual, do you mind if I examine you"?

"No, go ahead".

Doc examines the guy, sits back down and says "Ah yes i know what the problem is, you have an abscess in your bottom that's acting like a reed valve in a woodwind instrument, are you following me"?

"No can you explain it in lay-mans terms please"?

"Yep, you are living proof of the phrase abscess makes the fart go honda".


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The Very Tired Nurse's Rectal Thermometer


A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift.

Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it.

When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller and without missing a beat, she says:

'Well, that's great....that's just great.... Some asshole's got my pen'!


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Sex and the Economy


A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist's office.

The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'

The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?'

The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees. When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse.' He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says goodbye.

The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees. This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.

Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?'

The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything...

She's married; so we can't go to her house.

I'm married; and we can't go to my house.

The Holiday Inn charges $98.

The Hilton charges $139.

We do it here for $50, and Medicare pays $43 of that, so it only costs me $7.

......SHAME ON YOU FOR LAUGHING AT THAT......


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The Woman Answered the Knock at the Door And...


A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door.

She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there.He asks the lady 'Do you have a vagina'?

She slams the door in disgust.

The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman 'Do you have a vagina'.

She slams the door again.

Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days.

The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice 'Honey I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again'.

The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door.

The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice 'Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is going with it'.

She nods yes to her husband and opens the door.

Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question. Do you have vagina'.......

'Yes' she says......

The man replies Good!

Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours'?


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One for the Brits' About the New Eu Directive No. 456179


EU Directive No. 456179

In order to meet the conditions for joining the Single European currency, all citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland must be made aware that the phrase 'Spending a Penny' is not to be used after 31st December 2009.

From this date, the correct terminology will be: 'Euronating'.

Thank you for your attention.


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A Very Fishy Groaner to Beat Them All


A chap is fishing and hooks a salmon, he reels it in and is just going to kill it for his dinner when the salmon looks at him and says "Hey mate, don't kill me, I'm only a baby, I haven't swum the 7 seas yet, Gis a chance pal".

The man looks at the salmon "You can talk"?

"Course I can, go on put me back, there's much bigger fish under the bridge".

"All right", says the man,"I'll put you back, what's your name"?

"Rusty" says the salmon,"And yours"?

"Dave".

He puts the fish back in the water and resolves to say nothing of this to anyone, fearing that he'll become a laughing stock.

About ten years later he's fishing in the same spot and he hooks a monster. It takes him two hours to land it. He looks at it and pictures it on his dinner plate. Just then the salmon opens one eye and looks at him "Dave, is that you"?

"Rusty, I don't believe it, it must be 10 years since I let you go, what you been doing"?

"well Dave, I've had a fantastic time, I've swum the seven seas and all the oceans. In fact, I've just come across the Atlantic, but I was really disturbed".

"Why's that Rusty"?

"Well, I was half way across and a voice told me to swim deeper, so I did, deeper and deeper and I found this huge shipwreck. I counted 4 funnels, it felt like death so I had to leave".

"Wow rusty, that was the Titanic it sank and almost all on board were drowned".

"Ah, I knew it, in fact, I was so upset I had to sit down and write a poem about it" said Rusty.

"A poem, don't talk daft, you're just a fish, how can you write a poem, that's rubbish".

"No Dave, really, it's available in all bookshops now".

"Ok" says Dave, "so what's it called then"?

"Salmon Rustys titanic verses".





Didn't you believe me?


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Just Fred Gets Stopped by the Traffic Police for Speeding


A California Highway Patrol Officer stopped a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. Since he's in a good mood that day, he decides to give the poor fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. So, he asks the man his name.

"Fred," he replies. Fred what?" the officer asks. "Just Fred", the man responds.

When the officer presses him for a last name, the man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it.

"Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name"?

The man replies, "It's a long story so stay with me. I was born Fred Dingaling. I know it's a funny last name, but kids used to tease me all the time, so I stayed to myself. I studied hard and got good grades.

When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, finally got my degree so I was Fred Dingaling, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream. Got all the way through school, got my degree so I was now Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry so I started fooling around with my assistant. She gave me VD. So, I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS with VD.

Well, the ADA found out about the VD so they took away my DDS so I was Fred Dingaling, MD with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my Dingaling, so now I'm just Fred".

The officer walked away in tears from laughing so hard and tore up the ticket.


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