Friday 20th September 2019 - 01:58:10 

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The Beggar and his Regular Customer


A man walks past a beggar every day and gives him baht.10 and that Continues for a year. Then suddenly the daily donation changes to b 7.50

"Well," the beggar thinks, "it's still better than nothing."


A year passes in this way until the man's daily donation suddenly becomes baht 5.

"What's going on now?" the beggar asks his donor.

"First you give me baht 10 every day, then baht. 7,50 and now only baht. 5. What's the problem?"


"Well," the man says, "last year my eldest son went to university. It's very expensive, so I had to cut costs. This year my eldest daughter also went to university, so I had to cut my expenses even further."


"And how many children do you have?" the beggar asks.

"Four," the man replies.

"Well," says the beggar, "I hope you don't plan to educate them all at my expense."


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The Little Girl Feeling Sick in the Church


A little nine year old girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill.

"Mommy" she said "Can we leave now?"

"No" her mother replied.

"Well, I think I have to throw up!"

"Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush."

In about two minutes the little girl returned to her seat.

"Did you throw up?" her mother asked.

"Yes" the little girl replied.

"Well, how could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and return so quickly?"

"I didn't have to go out of the church, M


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British One Liners

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought, "he's trying to pull a fast one".

So I said to this train driver, "I want to go to Paris." He said, "Eurostar?" I said, "I've been on the telly but I'm no Dean Martin".

So I said to the gym instructor, "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays".

So I was having dinner with Gary Kasparov and there was a checked tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

He said, "You remind me of a pepper-pot." I said, "I'll take that as a condiment".

Do you know I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags? He's bisatchel.

But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds later they come alight again? Well, the other day there was a fire at the factory that makes them.

So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Weggie Kray. So I said, "Do you want a game of darts?" He said, "OK then." I said, "Nearest to bull starts." He said, "Baa." I said, "Moo." He said, "You're closest".

You see I'm against hunting. In fact, I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said, "Do you get my drift"?

So I went down the local supermarket, I said, "I want to make a complaint -- this vinegar's got lumps in it." He said, "Those are pickled onions".

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says, "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds." I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".

But I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite ... one jar.

So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought, "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".

You see my next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes. He's a Catholic converter.

So I rang up British Telecom, I said, "I want to report a nuisance caller." He said, "Not you again".

So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said, "Are you two an item"?

So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins. I thought, "That's a turtle disaster".



Courtesy of: http://davesgarden.com/community/forums/t/123437/


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Housework


Housework was a woman's job, but one evening, Stella arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of laundry in the washer and another in the dryer. Dinner was on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished!

It turns out that Wally had read an article that said, 'Wives who work full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex'.

The night went very well. The next day, she told her golfing friends all about it. 'We had a great dinner. Wally even cleaned up the kitchen. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put it away. I really enjoyed the evening.'

'But what about afterward' asked her friends?

'Oh, that ..., Wally was too tired..'


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Internet Proverbs


Home is where you hang your @

The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.

A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.

You can’t teach a new mouse old clicks.

Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.

C: is the root of all directories.

Don’t put all your hypes in one home page.

Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.

The modem is the message.

Too many clicks spoil the browse.

The geek shall inherit the earth.

A chat has nine lives.

Don’t byte off more than you can view.

Fax is stranger than fiction.

What boots up must come down.

In Gates we trust.

Virtual reality is its own reward.

A user and his leisure time are soon parted.

There’s no place like

Know what to expect before you connect.

Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice.

Speed thrills but don’t kills.

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won’t bother you for weeks.



Courtesy of: http://www.tribuneindia.com/2004/20040126/login/humour.htm


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Humorous Computer Technical Support Stuff


My friend was on duty in the main lab on a quiet afternoon. He noticed a young woman sitting in front of one of the workstations with her arms crossed across her chest and staring at the screen. After about 15 minutes he noticed that she was still in the same position only now she was impatiently tapping her foot.

He asked if she needed help and she replied, "It's about time! I pushed the F1 button over twenty minutes ago"!




Courtesy of: http://www.sitepoint.com/forums/showthread.php?t=597979


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The Irish Way of Determining Parenthood

In a small Irish town, a poor, unwed girl was about to give birth.

Since she was destitute, the hospital bill was paid by the town treasury.

Subsequently, the parenthood was determined, and the alleged father was penalized with a heavy fine.

When the treasurer's report was read at the annual town meeting, it was disclosed that the township had realized a handsome profit on the unfortunate (?) event.

One of the town officials then rose and announced,

"Eh...I recommend we breed her again".


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From Now on I Resign from Being an Adult


I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult. I have decided I would like to accept the responsibilities of an 8 year-old again.

I want to go to McDonald's and think that it's a four star restaurant.

I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make a sidewalk with rocks.

I want to think M&Ms are better than money because you can eat them.

I want to lie under a big oak tree and run a lemonade stand with my friends on a hot summer's day.

I want to return to a time when life was simple; When all you knew were colors, multiplication tables, and nursery rhymes, but that didn't bother you, because you didn't know what you didn't know and you didn't care.
All you knew was to be happy because you were blissfully unaware of all the things that should make you worried or upset.

I want to think the world is fair. That everyone is honest and good..

I want to believe that anything is possible.

I want to be oblivious to the complexities of life and be overly excited by the little things again.
I want to live simple again.

I don't want my day to consist of computer crashes, mountains of paperwork, depressing news, how to survive more days in the month than there is money in the bank, doctor bills, gossip, illness, and loss of loved ones.
I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind word, truth, justice, peace, dreams, the imagination, mankind, and making angels in the snow.

So... here's my cheque book, car-keys, credit card bills and my 401K statements. I am officially resigning from adulthood. And if you want to discuss this. further, you'll have to catch me first, cause... Tag! You're it!


(If only it could be this easy but we really don't need to resign, we can live live simply again. We can live as a kid again for the moment just for the day).


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Putting out the Cat Before Leaving for a Night out on the Town


A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on the phone line, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house.

The cat they had put out into the yard scoots back into the house. They don't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit.

Waiting in the cab, the wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty for the night. She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon, "He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother".

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," he says, as they drive away. "Stupid bi-tch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so I grabbed her by the neck. Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat arse downstairs and threw her out into the back yard"!

The cabdriver hit a parked car...


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Three Professionals Discussing the Oldest Profession


A doctor, a civil engineer, and a consultant were arguing about which was the oldest profession in the world.

The doctor remarked, ?Well, in the Bible, it says that God created Eve from a rib taken out of Adam. This clearly required surgery, and so I can rightly claim that mine is the oldest profession in the world?.

The civil engineer interrupted, and said, ?But even earlier in the book of Genesis, it states that God created the order of the heavens and the earth from out of the chaos. This was the first and certainly the most spectacular application of civil engineering. Therefore, mine is the oldest profession in the world?.

The consultant leaned back in his chair, smiled, and then said confidently, ?Ah, but who do you think created the chaos??


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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself
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The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

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Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

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