Tuesday 20th August 2019 - 01:50:58 

Previously On Johns-Jokes

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After a Long Night of Making Love...

After a long night of making love the young guy rolled over and was looking around when he noticed a framed picture of another man. The guy began to worry. "Is this your husband?"

"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.

"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" asked the bewildered guy.

The girl replied, "That's me before the surgery.


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Heart Attacks

The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

Conclusion:

Eat & drink what you like. It's speaking English that kills you.


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Is your Brain a Wonderful Organ?


The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office. - Robert Frost


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Nominated As the Best Short Joke this Year....

A three-year-old little boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.

"Mum," he asked, "are these my brains?"

"Not yet."


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The Change of Plea

After a trial had been going on for three days, Finley, the man accused of committing the crimes, stood up and approached the judge's bench. "Your Honor, I would like to change my plea from 'innocent' to 'guilty' of the charges".

The judge angrily banged his fist on the desk. "If you're guilty, why didn't you say so in the first place and save this court a lot of time and inconvenience" he demanded?

Finley looked up wide-eyed and stated, "Well, when the trial started I thought I was innocent, but that was before I heard all the evidence against me".


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Little Johnny Asks his Father Where his Intelligence Comes from


Little Johnny went up to his father and asked, "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from"?

The father replied, "Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have all of mine".


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When the Thrill is Gone from the Marriage!

"The thrill is gone from my marriage", one buddy told another.

"Why not add some intrigue to your life and have an affair"?

"But what if my wife finds out"?

"Heck, this is a new age we live in. Go ahead and tell her about it"!

So the guy went home and said, "Dear, I think an affair will bring us closer together".

"Forget it"", said his wife. "I've tried that so many times and it never worked once".


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Poem for Women

He didn't like the casserole,
And he didn't like my cake.
My biscuits were too hard...
Not like his mother used to make.

I didn't perk the coffee right,
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.

I pondered for an answer,
I was looking for a clue;
Then I turned around and smacked him...
Like his Mother used to do.


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Frank and the Dwarf

Frank walked through the forest when he heard a cry for help. He found a dwarf, stuck in a trap. He freed the dwarf, and the dwarf granted him two wishes.

'My first wish' Frank said, 'is a bottle of beer that will never be empty'.

And flash, there was the bottle. Frank opened it, and drank it empty. The next moment, the bottle was full again. Frank was very happy.

'What is your second wish', the dwarf asked?

Frank replied: 'I want another bottle'.


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Tim and Sam

Tim: I hear you just got married again.

Sam: Yes, for the fourth time.

Tim: What happened to your first three wives?

Sam: They all died.

Tim: How did that happen?

Sam: My first wife ate poison mushrooms.

Tim: How terrible! And your second?

Sam: She ate poison mushrooms.

Tim: And your third ate poison mushrooms too?

Sam: Oh, no. She died of a broken neck.

Tim: I see; an accident.

Sam: Not exactly. She wouldn't eat the mushrooms.


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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself
¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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