Wednesday 28th October 2020 - 05:33:53 

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Four Nuns with St Peter at the Pearly Gates

Four nuns are going up to heaven. St. Peter meets them at the pearly gates and says:

"I have to ask you all something: have you ever touched a man's penis"?

The first nun replies: "Only once, and just with the tip of my finger".

St. Peter replies: "Very well then. Dip your finger in the holy water and go on into heaven".

He asks the second nun the same question, and she replies:

"Just once....with.. um... the palm of my hand".

"Wash your hand in the holy water and go on into heaven".

Just then the fourth nun barges in front of the third nun.

"Please wait your turn" says St.Peter.

The fourth nun angrily replies:

"I am not gargling with that after she's had her ass in it"!

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Computer Diagnosis from a Urine Sample

A man goes to the doctor with a sore arm.

Doc says: "I haven't got time to see you, just put a urine sample in the machine in the hall".

The man does so, and the machine prints out the following:

"You have tennis elbow, bathe your arm in warm salty water and avoid strenuous exercise".

Intrigued the man decides to put the machine to the test. So he goes home and gets urine samples from his wife and daughter, adds a dog turd and then masturbates into the mixture for good measure. He returns to the doctors and puts the mixture in the machine. The machine whirls and clicks and then prints out the following:

"Your dog has worms, take it to the vet

Your daughter is using cocaine, get her into rehab'

Your wife is pregnant.

It's twins.

They aren't yours.

Find a good divorce lawyer.

And if you don't stop masturbating your tennis elbow will never get better".

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Oh Shit!

A man and woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned.

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.

The waitress went over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table".

The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "No he didn't. He just walked in the door".

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A Talent Scout walking down the street and comes across a man and his dog. The little dog is singing. He has a lovely voice and the talent scout says, "Come to my office. I want to sign you and this marvelous dog to a contract. This dog can make us both rich".

The man brings his little dog to the talent scout's office. The little dog is just about to finish singing "La Donna E' Mobile," when a large dog runs into the room and grabs him by the scruff of the neck. She (it's a bitch) runs away with him in her mouth.

The talent scout yells, "Stop her. She's taking away our fortune"!

The man replies, sadly, "It's no use. That's his mother. She doesn't want him to be on stage. She wants him to be a doctor".

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A Young Boy, About Eight...

...years old, was at the store picking out a large box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.

"Oh, no laundry", the boy said. "I'm going to wash my dog".

"But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him".

But the boy was not stopped by this and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.

About a week later the boy was back in the store doing some shopping. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.

"Oh, he died", the boy said.

The grocer said, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog".

"Well," the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him".

"Oh I'm sorry. How did he die"?

"I think it was the spin cycle".

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Question Clarification

A man was on trial for selling drugs, and a neighbour was called as a witness.

The defense attorney asked, "Did you ever get any cocaine or other drugs from the defendant"?

"No sir", answered the man.

"Did you ever get any from his wife"?

"No sir".

"Did you ever get any from his daughters"?

"Uh--excuse me sir," the witness said, "but we are still talking about drugs here, right"?

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Don't Miss The Amazing Scotsman

A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was in progress. A sign read: 'Don't Miss The Amazing Scotsman'.

The salesman bought a ticket and sat down.

There, on centre stage, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an old Scotsman.

Suddenly the old man lifted his kilt, whipped out a huge willy and smashed all three walnuts separately with three mighty swings!

The crowd erupted in applause as the elderly Scot was carried off on the shoulders of the crowd.

Ten years later the salesman visited the same little town and saw a faded sign for the same circus and the same sign 'Don't Miss The Amazing Scotsman'.

He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive much less still doing his act! He bought a ticket. Again, the centre ring was illuminated.

This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table.

The Scotsman, now much older, stood before them, then suddenly lifted his kilt and shattered the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member. The crowd went wild!

Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show.

'You're incredible!' he told the Scotsman. 'But I have to know something. You're older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts?'

''Well laddie,' said the Scot, 'Ma eyes are nae whit they used tae be.

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A Lesson to Be Learnt from an Ant

I watched an ant climb a blade of grass this morning. When he reached the top, his weight bent the blade down to the ground. Then, twisting his thorax with insectile precision, he grabbed hold of the next blade. In this manner, he travelled across the lawn, covering as much distance vertically as he did horizontally, which amused and delighted me.

And then, all at once, I had what is sometimes called an "epiphany", a moment of heightened awareness in which everything becomes clear. Yes, hunched over that ant on my hands and knees, I suddenly knew what I had to do...

Quit drinking before noon.

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Snow Joke

I got stuck in the snow on the way home the other night and had to sleep in the car. It was no fun, let me tell you - I was hungry, lonely and f*cking freezing. I barely slept a wink.

In the morning the snow had melted a bit and I was able to continue on my way. Having had such a shit night, I decided to go round to my girlfriend's house.

When I got there I parked outside, looked up and saw her at her bedroom window.

She looked so happy to see me. Suddenly I was overcome with emotion because I was so pleased to see her too. We've been together for three years so far and had some wonderful times.

I know it may sound soppy and over-the-top but, at that moment in time, there was no-one else on Earth that I wanted to be with. She was the one.

I got out of the car and made my way towards her front door. The front lawn was a blanket of untouched snow and, with my girlfriend still watching me, an idea crossed my mind. Giddy with emotion, I stepped onto the lawn, got down on one knee and began to carve a message in the snow, letter by letter...


I looked up and could see her starting to breathe heavily, trying to smile as her eyes welled up with tears...


That was 4 days ago, and the bitch still isn't speaking to me!!!

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Golf with a Lady and Four Lawyers

Four lawyers in a law firm lived and died for their Saturday morning round of golf. It was their favorite moment of the week. Then one of the lawyers was transferred to an office in another city. It wasn't quite the same without him.

A new woman lawyer joined their law firm. One day she overheard the remaining three talking about their golf round in the break room. Curious, she spoke up, "You know, I used to play on my golf team in college and I was pretty good. Would you mind if I joined you next week"?

The three lawyers looked at each other. They were hesitant. Not one of them wanted to say 'yes', but she had them on the spot. Finally one man said it would be okay, but they would be starting pretty early at 6:30 am.

He figured the early Tee-Time would discourage her immediately. The woman said this might be a problem and asked if she could possibly be up to 15 minutes late. They rolled their eyes but said this would be okay.

She smiled and said, "Good, then I'll be there either at 6:30 or 6:45." She showed up right at 6:30 and wound up beating all three of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She was a fun and pleasant person the entire round. The guys were impressed!

Back in the clubhouse they congratulated her and happily invited her back the next week. She smiled and said "Sure, I'll be here at 6:30 or 6:45".

The next week she again showed up at 6:30 Saturday morning. Only this time, she played left-handed. The three lawyers were incredulous as she still managed to beat them with an even par round despite playing with her off-hand. By now the guys were totally amazed, but wondered if she was just trying to make them look bad by beating them left-handed. They couldn't figure her out. She was again very pleasant and didn't seem to be showing them up, but each man began to harbor a burning desire to beat her!
In the third week they all had their game faces on. But this week she was 15 minutes late! This had the guys irritable because each was determined to play the best round of golf of his life to beat her.. As they waited for her, they figured her late arrival was some petty gamesmanship on her part. Finally she showed up.

This week the lady lawyer played right-handed, which was a good thing since she narrowly beat all three of them. However, she was so gracious and so complimentary of their strong play; it was hard to keep a grudge against her. This woman was a riddle no one could figure out!

Back in the clubhouse she had all three guys shaking their heads at her ability. They had a couple of beers after their round which helped the conversation loosen up. Finally one of the men could contain his curiosity no longer. He asked her point blank, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed"?

The lady blushed and grinned. She said, "That's easy. When my dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I have always had fun switching back and forth".

Then when I met my husband in college and got married, I discovered he always sleeps in the nude. From then on I developed a silly habit. Right before I left in the morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers off him. If his "you-know-what" was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed and if it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed.

Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys shot back, "But what if it's pointed straight up in the air"?

She said, "Then I'm fifteen minutes late".

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Old Jokes   111    112    113    114  115  116    117    118    119   Latest

Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself

The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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