Thursday 5th November 2020 - 04:15:41 

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All I Need To Know About Life I Learned From A Cow.


Wake up in a happy mooo-d.

Don't cry over spilled milk.

When chewing your cud, remember, there is no fat, no calories, no cholesterol and no taste!

The grass is greener on the other side of the fence.

Turn the udder cheek and mooo-ve on.

Seize every opportunity and milk it for all it's worth!

It's better to be seen and not herd.

Honour thy fodder and thy mother and all your udder relatives.

Never take any bull from anybody.

Always let them know who's bossy!

Stepping on cow pies brings good luck.

Black and white is always an appropriate fashion statement.

Don't forget to cow-nt your blessings every day


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Blonde Completing her Passport Application


A blonde from Arkansas is going on her first overseas trip. She drives all the way into Little Rock to apply for a passport. In the passport office, the government official sees that she is visibly puzzled filling her passport application.

The passport official looks over her shoulder and sees the blonde trying to write 'twice a week' into the small space labeled 'SEX'.

The official explains: "No, no, no. That is not what we mean by this question. We are asking 'Male' or 'Female'".

"Doesn't matter", the blonde answers.




Or this one?




Airport immigration......

NAME:Muhammed al Facid

SEX:Yes 3 times a week.

NO I MEAN FEMALE OR MALE:

Oh that doesn't matter to me, sometimes I even do it with camels.






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A Man Went to Visit

his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of the state. After spending the night, his grandfather prepared breakfast for him consisting of eggs and bacon. He noticed a film-like substance on his plate and he questioned his grandfather. "Are these plates clean"?

His grandfather replied...."those plates are as clean as cold water can get them so go on and finish your meal".

That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed tiny specks around the edge of his plate, and a substance that looked like dried egg yokes. So he asked again, "Are you sure these plates are clean"?

Without looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather says, "I told you before, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them, now don't ask me about it anymore"!

Later that afternoon, as he was on his way out to get the paper, the dog started to growl and would not let him pass. "Grandfather, your dog won't let me out", he complained.

Without diverting his attention from the football game, his Grandfather shouted, "Coldwater, move"!



Courtesy of http://miami.craigslist.org/forums/?forumID=1257;old=yes


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Quote of the Day


Whatever you give a woman she will make greater.

If you give her sperm she will give you a baby.

If you give her a house she will give you a home.

If you give her groceries she will give you a meal.

If you give her a smile she will give you her heart.

She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.

So if you give her any crap be ready to receive a ton of shit.


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23rd Psalm


GORDON BROWN IS MY SHEPHERD, I SHALL NOT WORK.

HE LEADETH ME BESIDE THE STILL FACTORIES.

HE RESTORETH MY FAITH IN THE CONSERVATIVE PARTY.

HE GUIDETH ME IN THE PATH OF UNEMPLOYMENT.

YEA, THOUGH I WAIT FOR MY DOLE,

I OWN THE BANK THAT REFUSES ME.

BROWN HAS ANNOINTED MY INCOME WITH TAXES,

MY EXPENSES RUNNETH OVER MY INCOME,

SURELY, POVERTY AND HARD LIVING WILL FOLLOW ME ALL THE DAYS OF HIS TERM.

FROM HENCE FORTH WE WILL LIVE ALL THE DAYS

OF OUR LIVES IN A RENTED HOME WITH AN OVERSEAS LANDLORD.

I AM GLAD I AM BRITISH,

I AM GLAD I AM FREE.

BUT I WISH I WERE A DOG

AND BROWN WAS A TREE.


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The Talking Newborn Baby


A baby was born who was so advanced, he could talk. He looked around the delivery room and saw the doctor.

“Are you my doctor” he asked?

“Yes, I am”, said the doctor.

The baby said, “Thank you for taking such good care of me during the birth”.

He looked at his mother and asked, “Are you my mother”?

“Yes, I am”, said the mother.

“Thank you for taking such good care of me before I was born”, he said.

He then looked at his father and asked, “Are you my father”?

“Yes, I am”, his father answered.

The baby motioned him closer, then poked him repeatedly on the forehead with his index finger. “Hurts doesn’t it”!?!


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The Bad and Ugly King Had a Beautiful Girl As a Captive.- Another Groaner


The bad and ugly king had a beautiful girl as a captive.

Though her beauty shone like a thousand moons, the dress she was forced to wear was very unbecoming.

She waited day and night, looking out the dungeon window, searching for the knight who would free her.

However, every knight was scared away by her dress which was very ugly.

She was crying in hopelessness when the evil king jeered,

"See, I told you no knight would rescue a damsel in dis dress"!


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Four Nuns with St Peter at the Pearly Gates


Four nuns are going up to heaven. St. Peter meets them at the pearly gates and says:

"I have to ask you all something: have you ever touched a man's penis"?

The first nun replies: "Only once, and just with the tip of my finger".

St. Peter replies: "Very well then. Dip your finger in the holy water and go on into heaven".

He asks the second nun the same question, and she replies:

"Just once....with.. um... the palm of my hand".

"Wash your hand in the holy water and go on into heaven".

Just then the fourth nun barges in front of the third nun.

"Please wait your turn" says St.Peter.

The fourth nun angrily replies:

"I am not gargling with that after she's had her ass in it"!


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Computer Diagnosis from a Urine Sample


A man goes to the doctor with a sore arm.

Doc says: "I haven't got time to see you, just put a urine sample in the machine in the hall".

The man does so, and the machine prints out the following:

"You have tennis elbow, bathe your arm in warm salty water and avoid strenuous exercise".

Intrigued the man decides to put the machine to the test. So he goes home and gets urine samples from his wife and daughter, adds a dog turd and then masturbates into the mixture for good measure. He returns to the doctors and puts the mixture in the machine. The machine whirls and clicks and then prints out the following:

"Your dog has worms, take it to the vet

Your daughter is using cocaine, get her into rehab'

Your wife is pregnant.

It's twins.

They aren't yours.

Find a good divorce lawyer.

And if you don't stop masturbating your tennis elbow will never get better".


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Oh Shit!


A man and woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned.

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.


The waitress went over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table".


The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "No he didn't. He just walked in the door".


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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself
¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

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