Saturday 7th December 2019 - 17:12:50 

Previously On Johns-Jokes

NO Pictures - Just Jokes
Mobile User Friendly


Litlle Johnny and his Dog that Ate the Homework


"Johnny, where's your homework"? Miss Martin said sternly to the little boy while holding out her hand.

"My dog ate it", was his solemn response.

"Johnny, I've been a teacher for eighteen years. Do you really expect me to believe that"?

"It's true, Miss Martin, I swear", insisted Johnny.

"I had to force him, but he ate it"!


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


Canadian National Lottery - True Story


A few years ago the Canadian National Lottery was won by a farmer.

As might be expected, the news media converged on his farm.

One of the TV reporters asked the farmer what he was going to do with the several million dollars.

His answer was priceless, "Well, I think I'll just keep farming until it's all gone".


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


George Washington and his Troops


You know how people are always wondering how certain phrases came into being, like...

"Don't shoot till you see the whites of their eyes"

and

"Remember the Alamo" and so on.

A lot of people asked me where the saying "You gotta be shittin me" came from.

It just so happens I know.

Way back, George Washington was crossing the Delaware River with his troops. They were packed into the boats. It was extremely dark and storming furiously. They were packed into the boats.
It was extremely dark and storming furiously.

He ordered him to keep swinging it so they could see where they were heading.

Corporal Peters stood up braving the wind and driving rain, swinging the lantern back and forth.

A while later a big gust of wind hit and threw Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware.

Washington and his troops searched for hours trying to find Corporal Peters but to no avail.

All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one their favorites.

An hour later Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them they must go on.

An hour later Washington and his men could go no further. One of his men said,"General, I see lights ahead".
They trudged towards the lights and came upon a huge house there in the woods.

What they didn't know was this was a house of ill repute hidden in the forest to serve all who came.

General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him.

The door swung open and the madam looked out to see Washington and all his men standing there.

A huge smile came across her face to see so many men standing there.

Washington spoke up, "Mam, I'm General George Washington and these are my men. We're tired and exhausted and desperately need warmth and comfort for a while".

Again the Madam looked at all the men standing there and with a broad smile on her face said, "Well General, you have come to the right place, we can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men do you have"?

Washington said "Well ma'm, there are thirty two of us without Peters".

Madam said, "You gotta be shittin me" !!




Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


All I Need To Know About Life I Learned From A Cow.


Wake up in a happy mooo-d.

Don't cry over spilled milk.

When chewing your cud, remember, there is no fat, no calories, no cholesterol and no taste!

The grass is greener on the other side of the fence.

Turn the udder cheek and mooo-ve on.

Seize every opportunity and milk it for all it's worth!

It's better to be seen and not herd.

Honour thy fodder and thy mother and all your udder relatives.

Never take any bull from anybody.

Always let them know who's bossy!

Stepping on cow pies brings good luck.

Black and white is always an appropriate fashion statement.

Don't forget to cow-nt your blessings every day


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


Blonde Completing her Passport Application


A blonde from Arkansas is going on her first overseas trip. She drives all the way into Little Rock to apply for a passport. In the passport office, the government official sees that she is visibly puzzled filling her passport application.

The passport official looks over her shoulder and sees the blonde trying to write 'twice a week' into the small space labeled 'SEX'.

The official explains: "No, no, no. That is not what we mean by this question. We are asking 'Male' or 'Female'".

"Doesn't matter", the blonde answers.




Or this one?




Airport immigration......

NAME:Muhammed al Facid

SEX:Yes 3 times a week.

NO I MEAN FEMALE OR MALE:

Oh that doesn't matter to me, sometimes I even do it with camels.






Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


A Man Went to Visit

his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of the state. After spending the night, his grandfather prepared breakfast for him consisting of eggs and bacon. He noticed a film-like substance on his plate and he questioned his grandfather. "Are these plates clean"?

His grandfather replied...."those plates are as clean as cold water can get them so go on and finish your meal".

That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed tiny specks around the edge of his plate, and a substance that looked like dried egg yokes. So he asked again, "Are you sure these plates are clean"?

Without looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather says, "I told you before, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them, now don't ask me about it anymore"!

Later that afternoon, as he was on his way out to get the paper, the dog started to growl and would not let him pass. "Grandfather, your dog won't let me out", he complained.

Without diverting his attention from the football game, his Grandfather shouted, "Coldwater, move"!



Courtesy of http://miami.craigslist.org/forums/?forumID=1257;old=yes


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


Quote of the Day


Whatever you give a woman she will make greater.

If you give her sperm she will give you a baby.

If you give her a house she will give you a home.

If you give her groceries she will give you a meal.

If you give her a smile she will give you her heart.

She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.

So if you give her any crap be ready to receive a ton of shit.


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


23rd Psalm


GORDON BROWN IS MY SHEPHERD, I SHALL NOT WORK.

HE LEADETH ME BESIDE THE STILL FACTORIES.

HE RESTORETH MY FAITH IN THE CONSERVATIVE PARTY.

HE GUIDETH ME IN THE PATH OF UNEMPLOYMENT.

YEA, THOUGH I WAIT FOR MY DOLE,

I OWN THE BANK THAT REFUSES ME.

BROWN HAS ANNOINTED MY INCOME WITH TAXES,

MY EXPENSES RUNNETH OVER MY INCOME,

SURELY, POVERTY AND HARD LIVING WILL FOLLOW ME ALL THE DAYS OF HIS TERM.

FROM HENCE FORTH WE WILL LIVE ALL THE DAYS

OF OUR LIVES IN A RENTED HOME WITH AN OVERSEAS LANDLORD.

I AM GLAD I AM BRITISH,

I AM GLAD I AM FREE.

BUT I WISH I WERE A DOG

AND BROWN WAS A TREE.


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


The Talking Newborn Baby


A baby was born who was so advanced, he could talk. He looked around the delivery room and saw the doctor.

“Are you my doctor” he asked?

“Yes, I am”, said the doctor.

The baby said, “Thank you for taking such good care of me during the birth”.

He looked at his mother and asked, “Are you my mother”?

“Yes, I am”, said the mother.

“Thank you for taking such good care of me before I was born”, he said.

He then looked at his father and asked, “Are you my father”?

“Yes, I am”, his father answered.

The baby motioned him closer, then poked him repeatedly on the forehead with his index finger. “Hurts doesn’t it”!?!


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


The Bad and Ugly King Had a Beautiful Girl As a Captive.- Another Groaner


The bad and ugly king had a beautiful girl as a captive.

Though her beauty shone like a thousand moons, the dress she was forced to wear was very unbecoming.

She waited day and night, looking out the dungeon window, searching for the knight who would free her.

However, every knight was scared away by her dress which was very ugly.

She was crying in hopelessness when the evil king jeered,

"See, I told you no knight would rescue a damsel in dis dress"!


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures



Old Jokes   112    113    114    115  116  117    118    119    120   Latest


Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself
¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

Fuelled by: CodeIgniter - ver: 3.1.9  Debug: 3.95.131.208 / 827,056Mb / 17:12:50 / 200 / No Errors