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What a Coincidence


A chicken farmer went to a local bar.... Sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perks up and says, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too'!

'What a coincidence' the farmer says. 'This is a special day for me.... I am celebrating'.

'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating' says the woman!

'What a coincidence!' says the farmer! As they clinked glasses the man asked, 'What are you celebrating'?

'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynaecologist told me that I am pregnant'!

'What a coincidence,' says the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs'.

'That's great!' says the woman. 'How did your chickens become fertile'?

'I used a different cock', he replied.

The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence'.


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Arnold and his Wife Were Cleaning out the Attic One Day...


Arnold and his wife were cleaning out the attic one day when he came across a ticket from the local shoe repair shop. The date stamped on the ticket showed that it was over eleven years old.

They both laughed and tried to remember which of them might have forgotten to pick up a pair of shoes over a decade ago.

"Do you think the shoes will still be in the shop" Arnold asked?

"Not very likely", his wife said." It's worth a try", Arnold said, pocketing the ticket. He went downstairs, hopped into the car, and drove to the store.With a straight face, he handed the ticket to the man behind the counter.

With a face just as straight, the man said, "Just a minute. I'll have to look for these." He disappeared into a dark corner at the back of the shop. Two minutes later, the man called out, "Here they are"!

"No kidding?" Arnold called back. "That's terrific! Who would have thought they'd still be here after all this time".

The man came back to the counter, empty-handed. "They'll be ready Thursday", he said calmly.




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Lil' Johnny and Lil' Suzie Were Walking


home from school one day.

As they walked along, they saw two dogs knotted up along side the road, going at it like rabbits. "What are they doing, Johnny" Suzie asked?

Well, Lil' Johnny, being a man of the world for all his 12 years, knew what they were doing, but was embarrassed to say, so he said, "Well, he's scaring her".

Lil' Suzie replied, "Oh".

They walked a little further and Lil' Suzie said, "Scare me, Lil' Johnny".

Well, Lil' Johnny thought, "What the hell," so he took her into the bushes and "scared" her.

After they were finished, they started walking home again. Pretty soon, they walked past a stallion mounting a mare in the field.

"What are they doing, Lil' Johnny" she asked?

"Well, he's scaring her." So Lil' Suzie said, "Scare me again, Lil' Johnny".

So, Lil' Johnny took her into the bushes and "scared" her again.

After they were finished, they continued walking home. Soon, you guessed it, they saw a bull and a heifer in the field, going at it.

"What are they doing, Lil' Johnny" she asked again?

"Uh, he's scaring her," Lil' Johnny replied.

After a few more minutes of walking, Lil' Suzie said, "Scare me again, Lil' Johnny".

Lil' Johnny, not being as much of a man as he had thought, blurted out, "BOO, damn it, BOO"!



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Litlle Johnny and his Dog that Ate the Homework


"Johnny, where's your homework"? Miss Martin said sternly to the little boy while holding out her hand.

"My dog ate it", was his solemn response.

"Johnny, I've been a teacher for eighteen years. Do you really expect me to believe that"?

"It's true, Miss Martin, I swear", insisted Johnny.

"I had to force him, but he ate it"!


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Canadian National Lottery - True Story


A few years ago the Canadian National Lottery was won by a farmer.

As might be expected, the news media converged on his farm.

One of the TV reporters asked the farmer what he was going to do with the several million dollars.

His answer was priceless, "Well, I think I'll just keep farming until it's all gone".


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George Washington and his Troops


You know how people are always wondering how certain phrases came into being, like...

"Don't shoot till you see the whites of their eyes"

and

"Remember the Alamo" and so on.

A lot of people asked me where the saying "You gotta be shittin me" came from.

It just so happens I know.

Way back, George Washington was crossing the Delaware River with his troops. They were packed into the boats. It was extremely dark and storming furiously. They were packed into the boats.
It was extremely dark and storming furiously.

He ordered him to keep swinging it so they could see where they were heading.

Corporal Peters stood up braving the wind and driving rain, swinging the lantern back and forth.

A while later a big gust of wind hit and threw Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware.

Washington and his troops searched for hours trying to find Corporal Peters but to no avail.

All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one their favorites.

An hour later Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them they must go on.

An hour later Washington and his men could go no further. One of his men said,"General, I see lights ahead".
They trudged towards the lights and came upon a huge house there in the woods.

What they didn't know was this was a house of ill repute hidden in the forest to serve all who came.

General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him.

The door swung open and the madam looked out to see Washington and all his men standing there.

A huge smile came across her face to see so many men standing there.

Washington spoke up, "Mam, I'm General George Washington and these are my men. We're tired and exhausted and desperately need warmth and comfort for a while".

Again the Madam looked at all the men standing there and with a broad smile on her face said, "Well General, you have come to the right place, we can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men do you have"?

Washington said "Well ma'm, there are thirty two of us without Peters".

Madam said, "You gotta be shittin me" !!




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All I Need To Know About Life I Learned From A Cow.


Wake up in a happy mooo-d.

Don't cry over spilled milk.

When chewing your cud, remember, there is no fat, no calories, no cholesterol and no taste!

The grass is greener on the other side of the fence.

Turn the udder cheek and mooo-ve on.

Seize every opportunity and milk it for all it's worth!

It's better to be seen and not herd.

Honour thy fodder and thy mother and all your udder relatives.

Never take any bull from anybody.

Always let them know who's bossy!

Stepping on cow pies brings good luck.

Black and white is always an appropriate fashion statement.

Don't forget to cow-nt your blessings every day


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Blonde Completing her Passport Application


A blonde from Arkansas is going on her first overseas trip. She drives all the way into Little Rock to apply for a passport. In the passport office, the government official sees that she is visibly puzzled filling her passport application.

The passport official looks over her shoulder and sees the blonde trying to write 'twice a week' into the small space labeled 'SEX'.

The official explains: "No, no, no. That is not what we mean by this question. We are asking 'Male' or 'Female'".

"Doesn't matter", the blonde answers.




Or this one?




Airport immigration......

NAME:Muhammed al Facid

SEX:Yes 3 times a week.

NO I MEAN FEMALE OR MALE:

Oh that doesn't matter to me, sometimes I even do it with camels.






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A Man Went to Visit

his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of the state. After spending the night, his grandfather prepared breakfast for him consisting of eggs and bacon. He noticed a film-like substance on his plate and he questioned his grandfather. "Are these plates clean"?

His grandfather replied...."those plates are as clean as cold water can get them so go on and finish your meal".

That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed tiny specks around the edge of his plate, and a substance that looked like dried egg yokes. So he asked again, "Are you sure these plates are clean"?

Without looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather says, "I told you before, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them, now don't ask me about it anymore"!

Later that afternoon, as he was on his way out to get the paper, the dog started to growl and would not let him pass. "Grandfather, your dog won't let me out", he complained.

Without diverting his attention from the football game, his Grandfather shouted, "Coldwater, move"!



Courtesy of http://miami.craigslist.org/forums/?forumID=1257;old=yes


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Quote of the Day


Whatever you give a woman she will make greater.

If you give her sperm she will give you a baby.

If you give her a house she will give you a home.

If you give her groceries she will give you a meal.

If you give her a smile she will give you her heart.

She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.

So if you give her any crap be ready to receive a ton of shit.


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This can save your bacon
¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

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