Wednesday 28th October 2020 - 08:53:40 

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Is Sex Work Or Play?


A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a priest and asks for his opinion on this question.

After consulting the Bible, the priest says, "My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays".

The man thinks: "What does a priest know about sex"? So he goes to a Lutheran minister, who after all is a married man and experienced in this matter.

He queries the minister and receives the same reply: "Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath"!

Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out a Rabbi, a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge.

The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, "My son, sex is definitely play".

The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work"?

The Rabbi softly speaks, "My son, if sex was work, my wife would have the maid do it".


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How Fights Start with Wife

My son asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from'?

I replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine'.

And then the fight started...




While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so sought my husband's advice.

'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one'?

'Better get a bikini', he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one'.

And then the fight started...




My wife asked me if I believed in religion.

I said "Not until I married you".

The wife said "Why".

I said "Now I believe in Hell".

And then the fight started...




My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...




My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds'.

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started...




When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her some place expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started...




After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started...




My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...




I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...




A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....




I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.

I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And then the fight started....




My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday.

and then the fight started.....




A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.

Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.

The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy crap. That must be my husband!'

So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.

A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'

The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'

And then the fight started.....




Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'

And then the fight started ...




I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary? "

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.

So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

And that's when the fight started....




My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started....




When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first: the truck, the car, e-mail, fishing, always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.

'When you finish cutting the grass,' I said, 'you might as well sweep the driveway.'

and then the fight started...




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What a Coincidence


A chicken farmer went to a local bar.... Sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perks up and says, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too'!

'What a coincidence' the farmer says. 'This is a special day for me.... I am celebrating'.

'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating' says the woman!

'What a coincidence!' says the farmer! As they clinked glasses the man asked, 'What are you celebrating'?

'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynaecologist told me that I am pregnant'!

'What a coincidence,' says the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs'.

'That's great!' says the woman. 'How did your chickens become fertile'?

'I used a different cock', he replied.

The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence'.


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Arnold and his Wife Were Cleaning out the Attic One Day...


Arnold and his wife were cleaning out the attic one day when he came across a ticket from the local shoe repair shop. The date stamped on the ticket showed that it was over eleven years old.

They both laughed and tried to remember which of them might have forgotten to pick up a pair of shoes over a decade ago.

"Do you think the shoes will still be in the shop" Arnold asked?

"Not very likely", his wife said." It's worth a try", Arnold said, pocketing the ticket. He went downstairs, hopped into the car, and drove to the store.With a straight face, he handed the ticket to the man behind the counter.

With a face just as straight, the man said, "Just a minute. I'll have to look for these." He disappeared into a dark corner at the back of the shop. Two minutes later, the man called out, "Here they are"!

"No kidding?" Arnold called back. "That's terrific! Who would have thought they'd still be here after all this time".

The man came back to the counter, empty-handed. "They'll be ready Thursday", he said calmly.




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Lil' Johnny and Lil' Suzie Were Walking


home from school one day.

As they walked along, they saw two dogs knotted up along side the road, going at it like rabbits. "What are they doing, Johnny" Suzie asked?

Well, Lil' Johnny, being a man of the world for all his 12 years, knew what they were doing, but was embarrassed to say, so he said, "Well, he's scaring her".

Lil' Suzie replied, "Oh".

They walked a little further and Lil' Suzie said, "Scare me, Lil' Johnny".

Well, Lil' Johnny thought, "What the hell," so he took her into the bushes and "scared" her.

After they were finished, they started walking home again. Pretty soon, they walked past a stallion mounting a mare in the field.

"What are they doing, Lil' Johnny" she asked?

"Well, he's scaring her." So Lil' Suzie said, "Scare me again, Lil' Johnny".

So, Lil' Johnny took her into the bushes and "scared" her again.

After they were finished, they continued walking home. Soon, you guessed it, they saw a bull and a heifer in the field, going at it.

"What are they doing, Lil' Johnny" she asked again?

"Uh, he's scaring her," Lil' Johnny replied.

After a few more minutes of walking, Lil' Suzie said, "Scare me again, Lil' Johnny".

Lil' Johnny, not being as much of a man as he had thought, blurted out, "BOO, damn it, BOO"!



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Litlle Johnny and his Dog that Ate the Homework


"Johnny, where's your homework"? Miss Martin said sternly to the little boy while holding out her hand.

"My dog ate it", was his solemn response.

"Johnny, I've been a teacher for eighteen years. Do you really expect me to believe that"?

"It's true, Miss Martin, I swear", insisted Johnny.

"I had to force him, but he ate it"!


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Canadian National Lottery - True Story


A few years ago the Canadian National Lottery was won by a farmer.

As might be expected, the news media converged on his farm.

One of the TV reporters asked the farmer what he was going to do with the several million dollars.

His answer was priceless, "Well, I think I'll just keep farming until it's all gone".


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George Washington and his Troops


You know how people are always wondering how certain phrases came into being, like...

"Don't shoot till you see the whites of their eyes"

and

"Remember the Alamo" and so on.

A lot of people asked me where the saying "You gotta be shittin me" came from.

It just so happens I know.

Way back, George Washington was crossing the Delaware River with his troops. They were packed into the boats. It was extremely dark and storming furiously. They were packed into the boats.
It was extremely dark and storming furiously.

He ordered him to keep swinging it so they could see where they were heading.

Corporal Peters stood up braving the wind and driving rain, swinging the lantern back and forth.

A while later a big gust of wind hit and threw Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware.

Washington and his troops searched for hours trying to find Corporal Peters but to no avail.

All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one their favorites.

An hour later Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them they must go on.

An hour later Washington and his men could go no further. One of his men said,"General, I see lights ahead".
They trudged towards the lights and came upon a huge house there in the woods.

What they didn't know was this was a house of ill repute hidden in the forest to serve all who came.

General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him.

The door swung open and the madam looked out to see Washington and all his men standing there.

A huge smile came across her face to see so many men standing there.

Washington spoke up, "Mam, I'm General George Washington and these are my men. We're tired and exhausted and desperately need warmth and comfort for a while".

Again the Madam looked at all the men standing there and with a broad smile on her face said, "Well General, you have come to the right place, we can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men do you have"?

Washington said "Well ma'm, there are thirty two of us without Peters".

Madam said, "You gotta be shittin me" !!




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All I Need To Know About Life I Learned From A Cow.


Wake up in a happy mooo-d.

Don't cry over spilled milk.

When chewing your cud, remember, there is no fat, no calories, no cholesterol and no taste!

The grass is greener on the other side of the fence.

Turn the udder cheek and mooo-ve on.

Seize every opportunity and milk it for all it's worth!

It's better to be seen and not herd.

Honour thy fodder and thy mother and all your udder relatives.

Never take any bull from anybody.

Always let them know who's bossy!

Stepping on cow pies brings good luck.

Black and white is always an appropriate fashion statement.

Don't forget to cow-nt your blessings every day


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Blonde Completing her Passport Application


A blonde from Arkansas is going on her first overseas trip. She drives all the way into Little Rock to apply for a passport. In the passport office, the government official sees that she is visibly puzzled filling her passport application.

The passport official looks over her shoulder and sees the blonde trying to write 'twice a week' into the small space labeled 'SEX'.

The official explains: "No, no, no. That is not what we mean by this question. We are asking 'Male' or 'Female'".

"Doesn't matter", the blonde answers.




Or this one?




Airport immigration......

NAME:Muhammed al Facid

SEX:Yes 3 times a week.

NO I MEAN FEMALE OR MALE:

Oh that doesn't matter to me, sometimes I even do it with camels.






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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself
¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

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