Thursday 5th November 2020 - 02:59:54 

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The Pastor's Cat

This particular story just made me laugh.
Every time I think about it, the vision of that poor cat just amuses me to no end. Hope the story leaves a bright spot in your day.


Dwight Nelson recently told a true story about the pastor of his church. He had a kitten that climbed up a tree in his backyard and then was afraid to come down. The pastor coaxed, offered warm milk, etc.

The kitty would not come down.

The tree was not sturdy enough to climb, so the pastor decided that if he tied a rope to his car and pulled it until the tree bent down, he could then reach up and get the kitten.

That's what he did, all the while checking his progress in the car. He then figured if he went just a little bit further, the tree would be bent sufficiently for him to reach the kitten. But as he moved the car a little further forward, the rope broke. The tree went 'boing!' and the kitten instantly sailed through the air - out of sight.

The pastor felt terrible. He walked all over the neighborhood asking people if they'd seen a little kitten. No. Nobody had seen a stray kitten.

So he prayed, 'Lord, I just commit this kitten to your keeping,' and went on about his business. A few days later he was at the grocery store, and met one of his church members. He happened to look into her shopping cart and was amazed to see cat food.

This woman was a cat hater and everyone knew it, so he asked her, 'Why are you buying cat food when you hate cats so much?' She replied, 'You won't believe this,' and then told him how her little girl had been begging her for a cat, but she kept refusing. Then a few days before, the child had begged again, so the Mom finally told her little girl, 'Well, if God gives you a cat, I'll let you keep it...'

She told the pastor, 'I watched my child go out in the yard, get on her knees, and ask God for a cat. And really, Pastor, you won't believe this, but I saw it with my own eyes. A kitten suddenly came flying out of the blue sky, with its paws outspread, and landed right in front of her.'

Lesson learned:

Never underestimate the Power of God and His unique sense of humor.



Discussed: StumbleUpon


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Jesus and Saint Peter Are Golfing.


St. Peter steps up to the tee on a par three and hits one long and straight. It reaches the green.

Jesus is up next. He slices it. It heads over the fence into traffic on an adjacent street. Bounces off a truck, onto the roof of a nearby shack and into the rain gutter, down the drain spout and onto a lily pad at the edge of a lake. A frog jumps up and snatches the ball in his mouth. An eagle swoops down, grabs the frog. As the eagle flies over the green, the frog croaks and drops the ball. It’s in the hole.

Saint Peter looks at Jesus, exasperated. "Are you gonna play golf"? he asks "Or are you just gonna fuck around"?

Courtesy of 'Up_Yours' - http://sfbay.craigslist.org/forums/?B=103150;forumID=1257;postAreaID=1


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A Guy Offers to Buy a Drink


for an attractive young woman seated at a bar.

She gives him the green light, so he goes to the end of the bar and whispers to the bartender to make up a Martini for her and to put some Spanish-fly in the drink.

The bartender whispers back to say he's all out of Spanish-fly and all he has left is Bangkok-fly.

"Jewish-fly?" Shrugging his shoulders, the guy says, "OK, put some of that in her drink".

As she sips on the drink, she gets more and more cozy, really warming up to the guy.

Finally, she finishes the drink, leans over and whispers in his ear, "Let's go shopping".




Courtesy of: http://newyork.craigslist.org/forums/?forumID=1257


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The Girl Was Cornered at a Party



a guy cornered a girl and whispered something in her ear.

"You filthy pervert!" she shrieked. "What makes you think I'd let you do a thing like that to me?"

Then her eyes narrowed and she said, "Unless you're the son of a bitch that stole my diary..."



Courtesy of: http://newyork.craigslist.org/forums/?forumID=1257


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Is Sex Work Or Play?


A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a priest and asks for his opinion on this question.

After consulting the Bible, the priest says, "My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays".

The man thinks: "What does a priest know about sex"? So he goes to a Lutheran minister, who after all is a married man and experienced in this matter.

He queries the minister and receives the same reply: "Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath"!

Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out a Rabbi, a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge.

The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, "My son, sex is definitely play".

The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work"?

The Rabbi softly speaks, "My son, if sex was work, my wife would have the maid do it".


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How Fights Start with Wife

My son asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from'?

I replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine'.

And then the fight started...




While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so sought my husband's advice.

'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one'?

'Better get a bikini', he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one'.

And then the fight started...




My wife asked me if I believed in religion.

I said "Not until I married you".

The wife said "Why".

I said "Now I believe in Hell".

And then the fight started...




My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...




My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds'.

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started...




When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her some place expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started...




After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started...




My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...




I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...




A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....




I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.

I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And then the fight started....




My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday.

and then the fight started.....




A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.

Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.

The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy crap. That must be my husband!'

So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.

A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'

The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'

And then the fight started.....




Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'

And then the fight started ...




I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary? "

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.

So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

And that's when the fight started....




My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started....




When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first: the truck, the car, e-mail, fishing, always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.

'When you finish cutting the grass,' I said, 'you might as well sweep the driveway.'

and then the fight started...




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What a Coincidence


A chicken farmer went to a local bar.... Sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perks up and says, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too'!

'What a coincidence' the farmer says. 'This is a special day for me.... I am celebrating'.

'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating' says the woman!

'What a coincidence!' says the farmer! As they clinked glasses the man asked, 'What are you celebrating'?

'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynaecologist told me that I am pregnant'!

'What a coincidence,' says the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs'.

'That's great!' says the woman. 'How did your chickens become fertile'?

'I used a different cock', he replied.

The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence'.


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Arnold and his Wife Were Cleaning out the Attic One Day...


Arnold and his wife were cleaning out the attic one day when he came across a ticket from the local shoe repair shop. The date stamped on the ticket showed that it was over eleven years old.

They both laughed and tried to remember which of them might have forgotten to pick up a pair of shoes over a decade ago.

"Do you think the shoes will still be in the shop" Arnold asked?

"Not very likely", his wife said." It's worth a try", Arnold said, pocketing the ticket. He went downstairs, hopped into the car, and drove to the store.With a straight face, he handed the ticket to the man behind the counter.

With a face just as straight, the man said, "Just a minute. I'll have to look for these." He disappeared into a dark corner at the back of the shop. Two minutes later, the man called out, "Here they are"!

"No kidding?" Arnold called back. "That's terrific! Who would have thought they'd still be here after all this time".

The man came back to the counter, empty-handed. "They'll be ready Thursday", he said calmly.




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Lil' Johnny and Lil' Suzie Were Walking


home from school one day.

As they walked along, they saw two dogs knotted up along side the road, going at it like rabbits. "What are they doing, Johnny" Suzie asked?

Well, Lil' Johnny, being a man of the world for all his 12 years, knew what they were doing, but was embarrassed to say, so he said, "Well, he's scaring her".

Lil' Suzie replied, "Oh".

They walked a little further and Lil' Suzie said, "Scare me, Lil' Johnny".

Well, Lil' Johnny thought, "What the hell," so he took her into the bushes and "scared" her.

After they were finished, they started walking home again. Pretty soon, they walked past a stallion mounting a mare in the field.

"What are they doing, Lil' Johnny" she asked?

"Well, he's scaring her." So Lil' Suzie said, "Scare me again, Lil' Johnny".

So, Lil' Johnny took her into the bushes and "scared" her again.

After they were finished, they continued walking home. Soon, you guessed it, they saw a bull and a heifer in the field, going at it.

"What are they doing, Lil' Johnny" she asked again?

"Uh, he's scaring her," Lil' Johnny replied.

After a few more minutes of walking, Lil' Suzie said, "Scare me again, Lil' Johnny".

Lil' Johnny, not being as much of a man as he had thought, blurted out, "BOO, damn it, BOO"!



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Litlle Johnny and his Dog that Ate the Homework


"Johnny, where's your homework"? Miss Martin said sternly to the little boy while holding out her hand.

"My dog ate it", was his solemn response.

"Johnny, I've been a teacher for eighteen years. Do you really expect me to believe that"?

"It's true, Miss Martin, I swear", insisted Johnny.

"I had to force him, but he ate it"!


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AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself
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The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

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