Saturday 20th October 2018 - 11:37:29 

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How to Get 3 Days Off?


An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3-day pass.

The CO says "Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you already want a 3-day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition"!

So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank!

The CO was so impressed, he asked "How did you do it"?

"Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier, "Do you want to get a three-day pass"?

The Arab said "Yes of course".

So we exchanged tanks"!


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The Current Financial Crisis


If the global crisis continues at the present rate, by the end of this year only two banks will be left operational ... the Blood Bank and the Sperm Bank!

And don't you just know that when these two banks merge it will be staffed by bloody wankers.............


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Sister Mary and the Priest


Sister Mary burst into the office of the principal of a parochial school in a very advanced state of agitation.

"Father!" she cried, "just wait until you hear this"!

The priest led the sister to a chair, and said, "Now just calm down and tell me what has you so excited"?

"Well, Father" the nun began, "I was just walking down the hall to the chapel and I heard some of the older boys wagering money"!

"A serious infraction, indeed" said the priest!

"But that's not what has me so shocked, Father", replied the nun, "it was what they were wagering on! They had wagered on a contest to see who could urinate the highest on the wall"!

"What an incredible wager" exclaimed the priest, "What did you do"?

"Well, I hit the ceiling, father".

To which the priest replied.... "How much did you win"?


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Complaints from Animals


It seems that God received a delegation of animals complaining of their lot in life.

There was an elephant, a giraffe, and a hen.

The elephant complained, "Lord, I HATE THIS TRUNK YOU have given me. It gets in the way, and makes me look like a fool"!

The Lord said, "Don't complain. It lets you pick up food, drink water, etc. without getting wet"!

Next the giraffe complained, "Lord, I HATE THIS LONG NECK! It makes me top heavy, I get terrible neck pains, and people laugh at me"!

The Lord said, "Don't complain. It lets you pick the best fruit and leaves from the high branches, and allows you to see a distance".

The hen spoke up, "Lord, I don't want to complain..... but either let me have a bigger arse or smaller eggs".


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Two Gay Men Have a Baby....


Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperms together and then have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated.

When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital. One dozen babies are in the ward eleven of whom are crying and screaming. Over in the corner, one baby is smiling serenely.

A nurse comes by, and to the de light of the two gays she points out the happy child as theirs.

'Isn't it wonderful?' one gay says to the other. 'All these unhappy babies...and yet our baby is so happy. This just proves our love for one another.'

The nurse says 'oh sure, he's happy now, but just watch what happens when we pull the Thermometer out of his ass.


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For Wine Lovers and Connoisseurs


A man goes to the Lucas Carlton in Paris with his girlfriend and orders the 1928 Mouton. The waiter returns with a bottle full of wine, pours a small amount in the glass for tasting.

The customer picks up the glass, smells the wine, and puts it down on the table with a thud. "This is not the 1928 Mouton".

The waiter assures him it is, and soon there is another twenty people surrounding the table including the chef and the manager of the hotel trying to convince the man that the wine is the 1928 Mouton. Finally someone asks him how he knows that it is not the 1928 Mouton.

"My name is Phillipe de Rothschid, and I make the wine".

Finally the original waiter steps forward and admits that he poured the Clerc Milon 1928. "I could not bear to part with our last bottle of 1928 Mouton. You know Clerc Milon, it is in the same village as Mouton, you pick the grapes at the same tine, the same cepage, you crush in the same way, you put them into similar barrels. You bottle at the same time, you even use eggs from the same chickens to fine them. The wines are the same, except for a small matter of geographic location".

Rothschid beckons the waiter forward, and whispers to him, "When you return home tonight, ask your girlfriend to remove her underwear. Put one finger in one opening, another in the other, and smell both the fingers. You will understand what difference a small distance of geographic location makes".


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How Many of These put a Smile on your Face?


I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, 'That's Aboriginal.'


This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.


I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said 'Tenpin?' I said, 'No, permanent.'


I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?' The guy said, 'Do you want an aquarium?' I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.'


I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best before End'


I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said 'Analogue.' I said 'No, just a watch.'


I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle.' The bloke said 'Kenwood' I said, 'Where is he then?'


My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bi-satchel.


I went to the doctor. I said to him 'I'm frightened of lapels.' He said, 'You've got cholera.'


I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, its P something T something R.


I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn't put it down.


I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.


The recruitment consultant asked me 'What do you think of voluntary work? I said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.'


I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, 'You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana.' He said, 'No, this is for the custard.'


This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, 'I want you to trace someone for me.'


I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, 'Are you having me on?' I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything.'


I phoned the local builders today, I said to them 'Can I have a skip outside my house?' He said, 'I'm not stopping you!'


This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says 'Audi!'


I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo' He said 'You're closest'


I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened.. I said 'I careered off the road'


I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.


I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.


I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said 'Eurostar' I said 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.


I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits.. He said, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays.'


I went to the local video shop and I said, 'Can I borrow Batman Forever?' He said, 'No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow'.


A waiter asks a man, 'May I take your order, sir?' 'Yes,' the man replies. 'I'm just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chickens?' 'Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they're going to die'.


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The Pastor's Cat

This particular story just made me laugh.
Every time I think about it, the vision of that poor cat just amuses me to no end. Hope the story leaves a bright spot in your day.


Dwight Nelson recently told a true story about the pastor of his church. He had a kitten that climbed up a tree in his backyard and then was afraid to come down. The pastor coaxed, offered warm milk, etc.

The kitty would not come down.

The tree was not sturdy enough to climb, so the pastor decided that if he tied a rope to his car and pulled it until the tree bent down, he could then reach up and get the kitten.

That's what he did, all the while checking his progress in the car. He then figured if he went just a little bit further, the tree would be bent sufficiently for him to reach the kitten. But as he moved the car a little further forward, the rope broke. The tree went 'boing!' and the kitten instantly sailed through the air - out of sight.

The pastor felt terrible. He walked all over the neighborhood asking people if they'd seen a little kitten. No. Nobody had seen a stray kitten.

So he prayed, 'Lord, I just commit this kitten to your keeping,' and went on about his business. A few days later he was at the grocery store, and met one of his church members. He happened to look into her shopping cart and was amazed to see cat food.

This woman was a cat hater and everyone knew it, so he asked her, 'Why are you buying cat food when you hate cats so much?' She replied, 'You won't believe this,' and then told him how her little girl had been begging her for a cat, but she kept refusing. Then a few days before, the child had begged again, so the Mom finally told her little girl, 'Well, if God gives you a cat, I'll let you keep it...'

She told the pastor, 'I watched my child go out in the yard, get on her knees, and ask God for a cat. And really, Pastor, you won't believe this, but I saw it with my own eyes. A kitten suddenly came flying out of the blue sky, with its paws outspread, and landed right in front of her.'

Lesson learned:

Never underestimate the Power of God and His unique sense of humor.



Discussed: StumbleUpon


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Jesus and Saint Peter Are Golfing.


St. Peter steps up to the tee on a par three and hits one long and straight. It reaches the green.

Jesus is up next. He slices it. It heads over the fence into traffic on an adjacent street. Bounces off a truck, onto the roof of a nearby shack and into the rain gutter, down the drain spout and onto a lily pad at the edge of a lake. A frog jumps up and snatches the ball in his mouth. An eagle swoops down, grabs the frog. As the eagle flies over the green, the frog croaks and drops the ball. It’s in the hole.

Saint Peter looks at Jesus, exasperated. "Are you gonna play golf"? he asks "Or are you just gonna fuck around"?

Courtesy of 'Up_Yours' - http://sfbay.craigslist.org/forums/?B=103150;forumID=1257;postAreaID=1


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A Guy Offers to Buy a Drink


for an attractive young woman seated at a bar.

She gives him the green light, so he goes to the end of the bar and whispers to the bartender to make up a Martini for her and to put some Spanish-fly in the drink.

The bartender whispers back to say he's all out of Spanish-fly and all he has left is Bangkok-fly.

"Jewish-fly?" Shrugging his shoulders, the guy says, "OK, put some of that in her drink".

As she sips on the drink, she gets more and more cozy, really warming up to the guy.

Finally, she finishes the drink, leans over and whispers in his ear, "Let's go shopping".




Courtesy of: http://newyork.craigslist.org/forums/?forumID=1257


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This can save your bacon

¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

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