Monday 17th December 2018 - 09:08:49 

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Old Love


A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite. He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to earth. He tries this a few more times with no success.

All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.

She opens the window and yells to her husband, "You need a piece of tail".


The man turns with a confused look on his face and says,

"Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite".


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Back in the Good Old Days when Rawpower

...was in the habit of whooping it up, he was standing at a bar when a lady of enticing appearance approached him and suggested that they have a drink.

RawPower said, 'Well. I'm no John D: Rockefeller, but I'll buy:

After developing a slight buzz, she suggested a dance.

RawPower smiled and said, 'I'm no Fred Astaire. but I'll give it a whirl:

Later, she suggested that they go up to her room. 'I'm no Cary Grant,' he replied. 'but I'll follow you up there:

They then went to the lady's apartment, where they had another drink. then did what had been on their minds all evening, anyway. Afterwards, the lady said, 'What about some money?'

RawPower shot back. 'Well, I'm no gigolo, but I'll take it:


Courtesy of: http://newyork.craigslist.org/forums/?forumID=1257 <Sheetstir>


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I Would So Kill My Husband!


A couple has not been getting along for years, so the husband buys his wife a cemetery plot for her birthday.

Well, you can imagine her disappointment.

The next year, her birthday rolls around again and this time he doesn’t get her anything.

“Why didn’t you get me a birthday present!” she asks angrily?

“Are you kidding me?” He replies, “You didn’t use what I got you last year”!


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Two Vampires Were Sitting - a Groaner


their castle in Transylvania talking about how they were tired of the local food. Both of them were of the opinion that Italian food would be a nice change.

So, they changed into bats and winged there way over to Italy. They set themselves down in Venice and went looking for their dinner. Soon, they found a nice dark bridge over a canal to have their meal. They hunkered down and waited. In no time, an Italian couple came floating down the waterway. As they passed under the bridge, the vampires grabbed them, sucked them dry and tossed them into the water.

As they licked their lips, they discussed how good Italian food was and they both decided it was so good that they wanted seconds. Again, they hid and waited. As before another young Italian couple came floating down the canal. Also as before, the vampires grabbed them, sucked every drop of blood from their bodies and tossed them over the side of the bridge.

Now, the vampires were feeling pretty full, but they decided to make it a really special night and to have some dessert. Waiting in the dark, they soon spied another couple approaching their bridge. When they got there, this couple also found themselves subdued and their bodies sucked dry. The vampires then tossed the dead couple into the canal. Satiated, the vampires prepared to change form and fly home before they were caught by the coming dawn.

They stopped however, when they heard singing. Not wanting to be seen, they searched for the source.

A quick glance proved that they were the only ones on the bridge. The sound however was coming from the canal.

Slowly they approached the rail and looked over. Sure enough there in the water they spied a crocodile. He was munching on the bodies singing, "Drained wops keep falling on my head..."


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Proper Grammar


On my 66th birthday, I got a gift certificate from my wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded, I drove to the reservation, handed my ticket to the medicine man and wondered what would happen next.

The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to me, and with a grip on my shoulder, warned, "This is powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3. 'When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want".

I was encouraged. As I walked away, I turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"

"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' he responded. "But when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon".

I was very eager to see if it worked so I went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited my wife to join me in the bedroom. When she came in, I took off my clothes and said, "1-2-3"!

Immediately, I was the manliest of men. My wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes. And then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for"?



And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition!

....ONE COULD END UP WITH A DANGLING PARTICPLE - UNTIL THE NEXT FULL MOON!!


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A Duke Was Hunting in the Forest


A Duke was hunting in the forest with his men-at-arms and servants when he came across a tree. Upon it, archery targets were painted and smack in the middle of each was an arrow.

"Who is this incredibly fine archer"? cried the duke. "I must find him"!

After continuing through the forest for a few miles he came across a small boy carrying a bow and arrow. Eventually the boy admitted that it was he who shot the arrows plumb in the center of all the targets.

"You didn't just walk up to the targets and hammer the arrows into the middle, did you"? asked the duke worriedly.

"No my lord. I shot them from a hundred paces. I swear it by all that I hold holy".

"That is truly astonishing," said the duke. "I hereby admit you into my service".

The boy thanked him profusely.

"But I must ask one favor in return," the duke continued. "You must tell me how you came to be such an outstanding shot".

"Well," said the boy, "first I fire the arrow at the tree...
...and then I paint the target around it".


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How to Get 3 Days Off?


An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3-day pass.

The CO says "Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you already want a 3-day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition"!

So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank!

The CO was so impressed, he asked "How did you do it"?

"Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier, "Do you want to get a three-day pass"?

The Arab said "Yes of course".

So we exchanged tanks"!


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The Current Financial Crisis


If the global crisis continues at the present rate, by the end of this year only two banks will be left operational ... the Blood Bank and the Sperm Bank!

And don't you just know that when these two banks merge it will be staffed by bloody wankers.............


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Sister Mary and the Priest


Sister Mary burst into the office of the principal of a parochial school in a very advanced state of agitation.

"Father!" she cried, "just wait until you hear this"!

The priest led the sister to a chair, and said, "Now just calm down and tell me what has you so excited"?

"Well, Father" the nun began, "I was just walking down the hall to the chapel and I heard some of the older boys wagering money"!

"A serious infraction, indeed" said the priest!

"But that's not what has me so shocked, Father", replied the nun, "it was what they were wagering on! They had wagered on a contest to see who could urinate the highest on the wall"!

"What an incredible wager" exclaimed the priest, "What did you do"?

"Well, I hit the ceiling, father".

To which the priest replied.... "How much did you win"?


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Complaints from Animals


It seems that God received a delegation of animals complaining of their lot in life.

There was an elephant, a giraffe, and a hen.

The elephant complained, "Lord, I HATE THIS TRUNK YOU have given me. It gets in the way, and makes me look like a fool"!

The Lord said, "Don't complain. It lets you pick up food, drink water, etc. without getting wet"!

Next the giraffe complained, "Lord, I HATE THIS LONG NECK! It makes me top heavy, I get terrible neck pains, and people laugh at me"!

The Lord said, "Don't complain. It lets you pick the best fruit and leaves from the high branches, and allows you to see a distance".

The hen spoke up, "Lord, I don't want to complain..... but either let me have a bigger arse or smaller eggs".


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This can save your bacon

¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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