Thursday 5th November 2020 - 01:24:09 

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A Man Was Called in for an Audit by Revenue Canada

A man was called in for an audit by Revenue Canada. He asked his accountant for advice on what to wear.

"Wear your worst clothing and an old pair of shoes. Let them think you are a pauper", the accountant replied.

Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice, "Don't let them intimidate you. Wear your best suit and an expensive tie".

Confused, the man went to his minister, told him of the conflicting advice, and asked him what he should do. "Let me tell you a story," replied the minister. "A woman about to be married asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. Her mother told her to wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck and wool socks. But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. Her friend told her to wear her most sexy negligee with a V-neck right down to her navel".

The man protested, "But Reverend Sir, what does all this have to do with my problem with the Revenue Canada"?

Replied the reverend, "It doesn't matter what you wear; you're still going to get screwed".

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I'm Pregnant Too.

After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he said was, "Don't".

"Don't what" Adam replied?

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit", God said.

"Forbidden fruit ? We have forbidden fruit ? Hey, Eve ... we have forbidden fruit"!

"No way !"

"Yes, way !"

"Do NOT eat the fruit !" said God.

"Why ?"

"Because I am your Father and I said so !" God replied, (wondering why he hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants).

A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and was He ticked !

"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit ?" God, as our first parent, asked.

"Uh huh," Adam replied.

"Then why did you?" said the Father.

"I don't know," said Eve.

"She started it !" Adam said,

"Did not !"

"Did too !"


Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own.

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16 Years

It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it?

Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16.

She agreed.

He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager, who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow".

"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face".

When the boy arrived home he told his mother.

The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face"!

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Naming the Baby

After watching a young maternity ward patient earnestly thumb through the telephone directory for several minutes, a hospital orderly finally asked if he could be of some help.

"No thanks," the young mother said. "I am just looking for a name for my baby."

"But the hospital supplies a booklet that lists every first name and its meaning," said the orderly.

"That will not help," the mother said. "My baby already has a first name."

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Old Love

A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite. He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to earth. He tries this a few more times with no success.

All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.

She opens the window and yells to her husband, "You need a piece of tail".

The man turns with a confused look on his face and says,

"Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite".

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Back in the Good Old Days when Rawpower

...was in the habit of whooping it up, he was standing at a bar when a lady of enticing appearance approached him and suggested that they have a drink.

RawPower said, 'Well. I'm no John D: Rockefeller, but I'll buy:

After developing a slight buzz, she suggested a dance.

RawPower smiled and said, 'I'm no Fred Astaire. but I'll give it a whirl:

Later, she suggested that they go up to her room. 'I'm no Cary Grant,' he replied. 'but I'll follow you up there:

They then went to the lady's apartment, where they had another drink. then did what had been on their minds all evening, anyway. Afterwards, the lady said, 'What about some money?'

RawPower shot back. 'Well, I'm no gigolo, but I'll take it:

Courtesy of: <Sheetstir>

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I Would So Kill My Husband!

A couple has not been getting along for years, so the husband buys his wife a cemetery plot for her birthday.

Well, you can imagine her disappointment.

The next year, her birthday rolls around again and this time he doesn’t get her anything.

“Why didn’t you get me a birthday present!” she asks angrily?

“Are you kidding me?” He replies, “You didn’t use what I got you last year”!

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Two Vampires Were Sitting - a Groaner

their castle in Transylvania talking about how they were tired of the local food. Both of them were of the opinion that Italian food would be a nice change.

So, they changed into bats and winged there way over to Italy. They set themselves down in Venice and went looking for their dinner. Soon, they found a nice dark bridge over a canal to have their meal. They hunkered down and waited. In no time, an Italian couple came floating down the waterway. As they passed under the bridge, the vampires grabbed them, sucked them dry and tossed them into the water.

As they licked their lips, they discussed how good Italian food was and they both decided it was so good that they wanted seconds. Again, they hid and waited. As before another young Italian couple came floating down the canal. Also as before, the vampires grabbed them, sucked every drop of blood from their bodies and tossed them over the side of the bridge.

Now, the vampires were feeling pretty full, but they decided to make it a really special night and to have some dessert. Waiting in the dark, they soon spied another couple approaching their bridge. When they got there, this couple also found themselves subdued and their bodies sucked dry. The vampires then tossed the dead couple into the canal. Satiated, the vampires prepared to change form and fly home before they were caught by the coming dawn.

They stopped however, when they heard singing. Not wanting to be seen, they searched for the source.

A quick glance proved that they were the only ones on the bridge. The sound however was coming from the canal.

Slowly they approached the rail and looked over. Sure enough there in the water they spied a crocodile. He was munching on the bodies singing, "Drained wops keep falling on my head..."

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Proper Grammar

On my 66th birthday, I got a gift certificate from my wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded, I drove to the reservation, handed my ticket to the medicine man and wondered what would happen next.

The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to me, and with a grip on my shoulder, warned, "This is powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3. 'When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want".

I was encouraged. As I walked away, I turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"

"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' he responded. "But when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon".

I was very eager to see if it worked so I went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited my wife to join me in the bedroom. When she came in, I took off my clothes and said, "1-2-3"!

Immediately, I was the manliest of men. My wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes. And then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for"?

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition!


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A Duke Was Hunting in the Forest

A Duke was hunting in the forest with his men-at-arms and servants when he came across a tree. Upon it, archery targets were painted and smack in the middle of each was an arrow.

"Who is this incredibly fine archer"? cried the duke. "I must find him"!

After continuing through the forest for a few miles he came across a small boy carrying a bow and arrow. Eventually the boy admitted that it was he who shot the arrows plumb in the center of all the targets.

"You didn't just walk up to the targets and hammer the arrows into the middle, did you"? asked the duke worriedly.

"No my lord. I shot them from a hundred paces. I swear it by all that I hold holy".

"That is truly astonishing," said the duke. "I hereby admit you into my service".

The boy thanked him profusely.

"But I must ask one favor in return," the duke continued. "You must tell me how you came to be such an outstanding shot".

"Well," said the boy, "first I fire the arrow at the tree...
...and then I paint the target around it".

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Old Jokes   115    116    117    118  119  120    121    122    123   Latest

Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself

The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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