Friday 24th January 2020 - 17:57:24 

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Feminine Logic


Ralph and Mary were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy morning. Ralph suddenly said, "Mary, if I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff".

"Now why would you want me to do something like that" Mary asked?

"I figure that you would eventually remarry, and I don't want some other jerk using my stuff..."

"What makes you think I'd marry another jerk"?


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Puns Ver 002

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated in an algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here; I'll go on a-head.'

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger.. Then it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.


18. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

19. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

20. A backward poet writes inverse.

21. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

22. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

23. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!



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Young O'donnell Rushed into a Church...


...placed his rifle under a pew and entered the confessional. "Father," he said breathlessly, "I've just shot down two British lieutenants"!

Hearing no response he went on: "I also knocked off a British captain"!

When there was still no response from the priest, O'Donnell said, "Father, have ye fainted"?

"Of course I haven't fainted," replied the confessor. "I'm waitin' for you to stop talkin' politics and commence confessin' your sins"!


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Father O'malley Went to Visit Patrick Shanahan in the Hosptital.


They spoke for a while and then Patrick said, "Father, can ya come closer, please".

And so they spoke, but again, Patrick asked, "Forgive me Father, but can you come a little closer, I'd be havin' trouble hearing ya..."

So again, the Priest came closer. But again, Patrick asked the Father to come closer.

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, lad. I'm pratically shouting and right on top of you"!

"I know Father. But in here, they don't allow me any sensible drink, and your breath is like a breeze from heaven".


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A Man Was Called in for an Audit by Revenue Canada


A man was called in for an audit by Revenue Canada. He asked his accountant for advice on what to wear.

"Wear your worst clothing and an old pair of shoes. Let them think you are a pauper", the accountant replied.

Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice, "Don't let them intimidate you. Wear your best suit and an expensive tie".

Confused, the man went to his minister, told him of the conflicting advice, and asked him what he should do. "Let me tell you a story," replied the minister. "A woman about to be married asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. Her mother told her to wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck and wool socks. But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. Her friend told her to wear her most sexy negligee with a V-neck right down to her navel".

The man protested, "But Reverend Sir, what does all this have to do with my problem with the Revenue Canada"?

Replied the reverend, "It doesn't matter what you wear; you're still going to get screwed".


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I'm Pregnant Too.


After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he said was, "Don't".

"Don't what" Adam replied?

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit", God said.

"Forbidden fruit ? We have forbidden fruit ? Hey, Eve ... we have forbidden fruit"!

"No way !"

"Yes, way !"

"Do NOT eat the fruit !" said God.

"Why ?"

"Because I am your Father and I said so !" God replied, (wondering why he hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants).

A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and was He ticked !

"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit ?" God, as our first parent, asked.

"Uh huh," Adam replied.

"Then why did you?" said the Father.

"I don't know," said Eve.

"She started it !" Adam said,

"Did not !"

"Did too !"

"DID NOT !"

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own.


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16 Years


It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it?

Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16.

She agreed.

He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager, who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow".

"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face".

When the boy arrived home he told his mother.

The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face"!


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Naming the Baby


After watching a young maternity ward patient earnestly thumb through the telephone directory for several minutes, a hospital orderly finally asked if he could be of some help.

"No thanks," the young mother said. "I am just looking for a name for my baby."

"But the hospital supplies a booklet that lists every first name and its meaning," said the orderly.

"That will not help," the mother said. "My baby already has a first name."


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Old Love


A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite. He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to earth. He tries this a few more times with no success.

All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.

She opens the window and yells to her husband, "You need a piece of tail".


The man turns with a confused look on his face and says,

"Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite".


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Back in the Good Old Days when Rawpower

...was in the habit of whooping it up, he was standing at a bar when a lady of enticing appearance approached him and suggested that they have a drink.

RawPower said, 'Well. I'm no John D: Rockefeller, but I'll buy:

After developing a slight buzz, she suggested a dance.

RawPower smiled and said, 'I'm no Fred Astaire. but I'll give it a whirl:

Later, she suggested that they go up to her room. 'I'm no Cary Grant,' he replied. 'but I'll follow you up there:

They then went to the lady's apartment, where they had another drink. then did what had been on their minds all evening, anyway. Afterwards, the lady said, 'What about some money?'

RawPower shot back. 'Well, I'm no gigolo, but I'll take it:


Courtesy of: http://newyork.craigslist.org/forums/?forumID=1257 <Sheetstir>


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The idea is to die young as late as possible

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