Monday 24th September 2018 - 06:38:44 

Previously On Johns-Jokes

NO Pictures - Just Jokes
Mobile User Friendly


Female Benefits....


-- We can get a day off from male bosses just by hinting at "female trouble."

-- When we buy a vibrator, it's sexy. When men buy a blow-up doll, it's pathetic.

-- Taxis stop for us.

-- We get free drinks just for showing up.

--Condoms don't make us lose sensation.

-- If we forget to shave, no one has to know.

-- We have the ability to dress ourselves.

-- We can talk to men without picturing them naked.

-- Occasionally, chocolate really can solve all our problems.

-- Gay men don't make us uncomfortable, unless they're better dressed than we are.

-- We'll never regret piercing our ears.

-- We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.


Courtesy of: http://newyork.craigslist.org/forums/?ID=119529224






Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


Letters from Son at College to his Father


Dear Dad,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love,
Your $on.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love,
Dad


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


Not One to Complain...


So this kid never says anything. He's ten years old and has never said a word his entire life. His parents are naturally overwrought with concern.

They take him to specialists, they read books on psychology, they do everything they can to pique his interest, but nothing seems to work.

They are literally at their wits end when one day at the dinner table, out of the blue, kid says -- "Soup's cold".

Needless to say his parents are completely in shock and, of course, at the same time overjoyed. "He can talk", blurts out the Mom!

Dad says, "After all this time, after all the therapy sessions, after everything we've done to try to get you to talk, how come you've never said anything"?

Kid says, "Well, up until now everything's been fine".


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


Feminine Logic


Ralph and Mary were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy morning. Ralph suddenly said, "Mary, if I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff".

"Now why would you want me to do something like that" Mary asked?

"I figure that you would eventually remarry, and I don't want some other jerk using my stuff..."

"What makes you think I'd marry another jerk"?


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


Puns Ver 002

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated in an algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here; I'll go on a-head.'

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger.. Then it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.


18. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

19. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

20. A backward poet writes inverse.

21. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

22. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

23. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!



Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


Young O'donnell Rushed into a Church...


...placed his rifle under a pew and entered the confessional. "Father," he said breathlessly, "I've just shot down two British lieutenants"!

Hearing no response he went on: "I also knocked off a British captain"!

When there was still no response from the priest, O'Donnell said, "Father, have ye fainted"?

"Of course I haven't fainted," replied the confessor. "I'm waitin' for you to stop talkin' politics and commence confessin' your sins"!


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


Father O'malley Went to Visit Patrick Shanahan in the Hosptital.


They spoke for a while and then Patrick said, "Father, can ya come closer, please".

And so they spoke, but again, Patrick asked, "Forgive me Father, but can you come a little closer, I'd be havin' trouble hearing ya..."

So again, the Priest came closer. But again, Patrick asked the Father to come closer.

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, lad. I'm pratically shouting and right on top of you"!

"I know Father. But in here, they don't allow me any sensible drink, and your breath is like a breeze from heaven".


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


A Man Was Called in for an Audit by Revenue Canada


A man was called in for an audit by Revenue Canada. He asked his accountant for advice on what to wear.

"Wear your worst clothing and an old pair of shoes. Let them think you are a pauper", the accountant replied.

Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice, "Don't let them intimidate you. Wear your best suit and an expensive tie".

Confused, the man went to his minister, told him of the conflicting advice, and asked him what he should do. "Let me tell you a story," replied the minister. "A woman about to be married asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. Her mother told her to wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck and wool socks. But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. Her friend told her to wear her most sexy negligee with a V-neck right down to her navel".

The man protested, "But Reverend Sir, what does all this have to do with my problem with the Revenue Canada"?

Replied the reverend, "It doesn't matter what you wear; you're still going to get screwed".


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


I'm Pregnant Too.


After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he said was, "Don't".

"Don't what" Adam replied?

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit", God said.

"Forbidden fruit ? We have forbidden fruit ? Hey, Eve ... we have forbidden fruit"!

"No way !"

"Yes, way !"

"Do NOT eat the fruit !" said God.

"Why ?"

"Because I am your Father and I said so !" God replied, (wondering why he hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants).

A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and was He ticked !

"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit ?" God, as our first parent, asked.

"Uh huh," Adam replied.

"Then why did you?" said the Father.

"I don't know," said Eve.

"She started it !" Adam said,

"Did not !"

"Did too !"

"DID NOT !"

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own.


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


16 Years


It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it?

Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16.

She agreed.

He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager, who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow".

"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face".

When the boy arrived home he told his mother.

The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face"!


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures



Old Jokes   116    117    118    119  120  121    122    123    124   Latest


This can save your bacon

¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

Fuelled by: CodeIgniter - ver: 3.1.9  Debug: 54.92.190.11 / 829,232Mb / 06:38:44 / 200 / No Errors