Sunday 1st November 2020 - 01:02:50 

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One Liners: B - D

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Below Average Pilot = Unequal number of takeoffs and landings.

Be nice to your kids...They will pick out your nursing home.

Bundy - Because you can't solve the worlds problems over white wine.

Cards is like sex, if you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

Cats: The other white meat.

Common sense is the least common of all senses.

Copy from one is plagiarism. Copy from two is research.

Crime doesn't pay, Does that mean my job is a crime?

Crashing is the only thing windows does quickly.

Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

Does the information highway have any rest stops?

Don't piss me off, I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.

Don't play stupid with me, I'm better at it!

Don't rush me, I get paid by the hour.

Don't start with me, You won't win.

Don't steal, The government hates competition.

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Size Does Not Matter

A male elf was so paranoid about the size of his willy that he could never work up the courage to have sex. Then one day he fell in love with an elf nurse.

One fine evening, they went back to her place. She put on some soft music and led him into the bedroom. Totally mortified, he told her of his problem.

"Don't worry", she said. "I'm a nurse. I won't laugh".

Blushing the man drops his trousers.

"It's OK", she said. "I've seen lots smaller than that".

"Really" the relieved elf asked?

She nodded. "Yes", she chuckled, "I used to work in the maternity unit".

Courtesy of:;old=yes

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I Was Just Visiting Some Friends

...who have a real working farm.

I was watching this one rooster chasing after this hen, when the friend's wife came out to feed them.

The rooster stopped chasing the hen at once and ran over to begin eating.

I stood there thinking to myself, "Damn ! I hope I never get that hungry".

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A Couples First Night

A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and finally she agrees to go out with him. He takes her to a nice restaurant and buys her a fancy dinner with expensive wine. On the way home, he pulls over to the side of the road in a secluded spot.

They start necking and he's getting pretty excited. He starts to reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying she's a virgin and wants to stay that way. 'Well, okay,' he says, 'how about a blow job'?

'Yuck!' she screams. 'I'm not putting that thing in my mouth'!

He says, 'Well, then, how about a hand job'?

'I've never done that,' she says. 'What do I have to do'?

'Well', he answers, 'remember when you were a kid and you used to shake up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it'?

She nods.

'Well, it's just like that'.

So, he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it. A few seconds later, his head flops back on the headrest, his eyes close, snot starts to run out of his nose, wax blows out of his ear and he screams out in pain.

'What's wrong?' she cries out!

'Take your thumb off the end'!!

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Female Benefits....

-- We can get a day off from male bosses just by hinting at "female trouble."

-- When we buy a vibrator, it's sexy. When men buy a blow-up doll, it's pathetic.

-- Taxis stop for us.

-- We get free drinks just for showing up.

--Condoms don't make us lose sensation.

-- If we forget to shave, no one has to know.

-- We have the ability to dress ourselves.

-- We can talk to men without picturing them naked.

-- Occasionally, chocolate really can solve all our problems.

-- Gay men don't make us uncomfortable, unless they're better dressed than we are.

-- We'll never regret piercing our ears.

-- We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.

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Letters from Son at College to his Father

Dear Dad,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Your $on.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.


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Not One to Complain...

So this kid never says anything. He's ten years old and has never said a word his entire life. His parents are naturally overwrought with concern.

They take him to specialists, they read books on psychology, they do everything they can to pique his interest, but nothing seems to work.

They are literally at their wits end when one day at the dinner table, out of the blue, kid says -- "Soup's cold".

Needless to say his parents are completely in shock and, of course, at the same time overjoyed. "He can talk", blurts out the Mom!

Dad says, "After all this time, after all the therapy sessions, after everything we've done to try to get you to talk, how come you've never said anything"?

Kid says, "Well, up until now everything's been fine".

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Feminine Logic

Ralph and Mary were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy morning. Ralph suddenly said, "Mary, if I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff".

"Now why would you want me to do something like that" Mary asked?

"I figure that you would eventually remarry, and I don't want some other jerk using my stuff..."

"What makes you think I'd marry another jerk"?

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Puns Ver 002

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated in an algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here; I'll go on a-head.'

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger.. Then it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

18. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

19. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

20. A backward poet writes inverse.

21. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

22. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

23. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!

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Young O'donnell Rushed into a Church...

...placed his rifle under a pew and entered the confessional. "Father," he said breathlessly, "I've just shot down two British lieutenants"!

Hearing no response he went on: "I also knocked off a British captain"!

When there was still no response from the priest, O'Donnell said, "Father, have ye fainted"?

"Of course I haven't fainted," replied the confessor. "I'm waitin' for you to stop talkin' politics and commence confessin' your sins"!

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Old Jokes   116    117    118    119  120  121    122    123    124   Latest

Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself

The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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