Tuesday 12th November 2019 - 21:33:57 

Previously On Johns-Jokes

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Car Accident


As my five year old son and I were headed to McDonald's one day, we passed a car accident. Usually when we see something terrible like that, we say a prayer for those who might be hurt, so I pointed and said to my son, "We should pray."

From the back seat I heard his earnest request: "Please, God, don't let those cars block the entrance to McDonald's."


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The Colonel's Order


A colonel issued the following directive to his executive officers:

"Tomorrow evening at approximately 2000 hours Halley's Comet will be visible in this area an event which occurs only every 75 years. Have the men fall out in the battalion area in fatigues, and I will explain this rare phenomenon to them. In case of rain, we will not be able to see anything, so assemble the men in the theater and I will show them films of it."


EXECUTIVE OFFICER TO COMPANY COMMANDER:
"By order of the Colonel, tomorrow at 2000 hours, Halley's Comet will appear above the battalion area. If it rains, fall the men out in fatigues, then march to the theater where this rare phenomenon will take place, something which occurs only once every 75 years".


COMPANY COMMANDER TO LIEUTENANT:
"By order of the Colonel be in fatigues at 2000 hours tomorrow evening. The phenomenal Halley's Comet will appear in the theater. In case of rain in the battalion area, the Colonel will give another order, something which occurs once every 75 years".


LIEUTENANT TO SERGEANT:
"Tomorrow at 2000 hours, the Colonel will appear in the theater with Halley's comet, something which happens every 75 years. If it rains, the Colonel will order the comet into the battalion area".


SERGEANT TO SQUAD:
"When it rains tomorrow at 2000 hours, the phenomenal 75-year-old General Halley, accompanied by the Colonel, will drive his comet through the battalion area theater in fatigues".



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Wooden Leg


Harry was delighted when he found a young woman who accepted his proposal of marriage as he was sensitive about his wooden leg and a bit afraid no one would have him. In fact, he couldn`t bring himself to tell his fiancee` about his leg when he slipped the ring on her finger, nor when she bought the dress, nor when they picked the time and place. All he kept saying was, "Darling, I`ve got a big surprise for you," at which she blushed and smiled bewitchingly.

The wedding night came and went, and the young couple were at last alone in their hotel room. "Now don`t forget, Harry, you promised me a big surprise," said the bride.

Unable to say a word, Harry turned out the lights, unstrapped his wooden leg, slipped into bed, and placed his wife`s hand on the stump.

"Hmmmmm," she said softly, "that IS a surprise. But pass me the Vaseline and I`ll see what I can do!"


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A Little Girl Was out with her Grandmother...


A little girl was out with her Grandmother when they came across a couple of dogs mating on the sidewalk.

"What are they doing, Grandma" asked the little girl?

The grandmother was embarrased, so she said, "The dog on top has hurt his paw, and the one underneath is carrying him to the doctor".

They're just like people, aren't they Grandma" said the little one?

"How do you mean" asked the Grandma?

"Offer someone a helping hand", said the little girl, "and they fuck you every time"!


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All Three Were Wrong

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff legged and walking slowly.

One of the students said to his friend: "I'm sure the poor old man has Petry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that".

The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart just as we learned in class".

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him: "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is"?

The old man said: "I'll tell you, but first you must tell me what you two fine medical students think".

One of the students said: "I think it's Petry Syndrome".

The old man said: "You thought....... But you are wrong".

Then the other student said: "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome".

The old man said: "You thought........ But you are wrong".

So they asked him: "Well, old timer, what do you have"?

The old man said: "I thought it was gas........... But I was wrong"!


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One Liners: B - D

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Below Average Pilot = Unequal number of takeoffs and landings.

Be nice to your kids...They will pick out your nursing home.

Bundy - Because you can't solve the worlds problems over white wine.

Cards is like sex, if you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

Cats: The other white meat.

Common sense is the least common of all senses.

Copy from one is plagiarism. Copy from two is research.

Crime doesn't pay, Does that mean my job is a crime?

Crashing is the only thing windows does quickly.

Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

Does the information highway have any rest stops?

Don't piss me off, I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.

Don't play stupid with me, I'm better at it!

Don't rush me, I get paid by the hour.

Don't start with me, You won't win.

Don't steal, The government hates competition.


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Size Does Not Matter

A male elf was so paranoid about the size of his willy that he could never work up the courage to have sex. Then one day he fell in love with an elf nurse.

One fine evening, they went back to her place. She put on some soft music and led him into the bedroom. Totally mortified, he told her of his problem.

"Don't worry", she said. "I'm a nurse. I won't laugh".

Blushing the man drops his trousers.

"It's OK", she said. "I've seen lots smaller than that".

"Really" the relieved elf asked?

She nodded. "Yes", she chuckled, "I used to work in the maternity unit".


Courtesy of: http://newyork.craigslist.org/forums/?forumID=1257;old=yes


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I Was Just Visiting Some Friends


...who have a real working farm.

I was watching this one rooster chasing after this hen, when the friend's wife came out to feed them.

The rooster stopped chasing the hen at once and ran over to begin eating.

I stood there thinking to myself, "Damn ! I hope I never get that hungry".


Courtesy of: http://newyork.craigslist.org/forums/?ID=119540054


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A Couples First Night


A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and finally she agrees to go out with him. He takes her to a nice restaurant and buys her a fancy dinner with expensive wine. On the way home, he pulls over to the side of the road in a secluded spot.

They start necking and he's getting pretty excited. He starts to reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying she's a virgin and wants to stay that way. 'Well, okay,' he says, 'how about a blow job'?

'Yuck!' she screams. 'I'm not putting that thing in my mouth'!

He says, 'Well, then, how about a hand job'?

'I've never done that,' she says. 'What do I have to do'?

'Well', he answers, 'remember when you were a kid and you used to shake up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it'?

She nods.

'Well, it's just like that'.

So, he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it. A few seconds later, his head flops back on the headrest, his eyes close, snot starts to run out of his nose, wax blows out of his ear and he screams out in pain.

'What's wrong?' she cries out!

'Take your thumb off the end'!!


Courtesy of: http://newyork.craigslist.org/forums/?ID=119523353




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Female Benefits....


-- We can get a day off from male bosses just by hinting at "female trouble."

-- When we buy a vibrator, it's sexy. When men buy a blow-up doll, it's pathetic.

-- Taxis stop for us.

-- We get free drinks just for showing up.

--Condoms don't make us lose sensation.

-- If we forget to shave, no one has to know.

-- We have the ability to dress ourselves.

-- We can talk to men without picturing them naked.

-- Occasionally, chocolate really can solve all our problems.

-- Gay men don't make us uncomfortable, unless they're better dressed than we are.

-- We'll never regret piercing our ears.

-- We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.


Courtesy of: http://newyork.craigslist.org/forums/?ID=119529224






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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself
¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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