Tuesday 23rd July 2019 - 07:39:25 

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Viagra Prescribed by the Doctor


An older man goes to the Doctor in desire of a prescription for Viagra.

The Doctor looks over the man, and says, "Viagra can be very dangerous and we do not just dispense it indiscriminately. Please bring your wife to my office next week and we'll discuss this in more detail.

So the following week he shows up with his wife.

The Doctor asks to see the wife by herself for a few moments and she follows him back to the examining room. The doctor asks her to disrobe and she does. He then asks her to turn around in 360 degrees a few times then instructs her to get up on the examining table and to turn in various positions. He then tells her she can get dressed and goes out to meet the Male Patient. "Sir," The Doctor Says, "There is nothing wrong with you, I couldn't get an erection either.


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An Old Owl....


An old owl was perched on a tree on top of a hill one very cold night. He looked down in the valley and saw a light in a window so he decided to fly down to the window ledge in hopes there was some warmth escaping. Well sure enough it was warm, so he fell fast asleep. He didn’t know that there were two vetenary students inside studying for final exams.

The two vetenary students spotted the owl and decided to use him as practice. They eased the window open and gassed him.

The first student looked down the owls throat and said he has tonsillitis, so he operated.

The other looked at his butt and announced that the owl had hemorrhoids, so he operated.

They placed the owl back out on the ledge.

The owl woke up very groggy and flew away.

The next winter that same owl was perched on the same tree on a very cold night.

A young owl landed next to him and said brrrr it sure is cold out tonight.

The old owl agreed.

The young owl noticed there was a light down in the valley and suggested they both fly down there to the window ledge and maybe find some escaping heat.

The old owl replied "no way”, last year I did the same thing, passed out, woke up drunk and for the next six weeks I couldn’t shit worth a hoot or hoot worth a shit.


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If You Love Someone . . .

Shakespeare:
if you love someone,
Set her free ....
If she ever comes back, she's yours,
If she doesn't, here's the poison, suicide yourself for her.


Optimist:
If you love someone,
Set her free ....
Don't worry, she will come back.


Suspicious:
If you love someone,
Set her free ....
If she ever comes back, ask her why.


Impatient:
If you love someone,
Set her free ....
If she doesn't comes back within some time forget her.


Patient:
IF you love someone,
Set her free ....
If she doesn't come back, continue to wait until she comes back.


Playful:
If you love someone,
Set her free ....
*If she comes back, and if you love her still, set her free again, repeat*


C++ Programmer:
if(you-love(m_she))
m_she.free()
if(m_she == NULL)
m_she= new CShe;


Lawyers:
If you love someone,
Set her free,
Clause 1a of Paragraph 13a-1 in the second amendment of the Matrimonial Freedom Act clearly states that....


Bill Gates:
If you love someone,Set her free,
If she comes back, I think we can charge her for re-installation fees but tell her that she's also going to get an upgrade.


Biologist:
If you love someone,
Set her free, She'll evolve.


Statisticians:
If you love someone, Set her free,
If she loves you, the probability of her coming back is high If she doesn't, the Weibull distribution and your relation was improbable anyway.


Salesman:
If you love someone,
Set her free ....
If she ever comes back, deal!
If she doesn't, so what! "NEXT".


Schwarzenegger's fans:
If you love someone,
Set her free,
SHE'LL BE BACK!


Insurance agent:
If you love someone,
Show her the plan ....
If she ever comes back, sign her up,
If she doesn't, keep follow up with her and never give up!


Physician:
If you love someone,
Set her free ....
If she ever comes back, it's the law of gravity,
If she doesn't, either there's friction higher than the force or the angle of collision between two objects did not synchronize at the right angle.


Mathematician:
If you love someone,
Set her free ....
If she ever comes back, 1 + 1 = 2 (peanut!),
If she doesn't, Y = 2X - log(0.46Y^2 + (cos(52/34X)) x 5Y^(-0.5)c) where c is the infinite constant of no turning point.

Nowadays' style:
If You Love Someone,
Set it free,
If It Comes Back, It is Yours
If It Doesn't, Hunt it Down and Kill It...!!! OR PERHAPS REPORT TO IMMIGRATION THAT SHE/HE IS AN ILLEGAL

If you love someone
WHY IN THE FIRST PLACE SET HER FREE???
CARELESS IDIOT!!!

FaceBokk advice:
If you love someone
Set them free.
If they don't come back, call them later...
But only when you're drunk.



Update: from Facebook's Crap Jokes Central






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Letter from the Husband Leaving his Wife and her Reply

Dear wife:

I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you forever. I’ve been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came home & didn’t even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don’t tell me you love me anymore; you don’t want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you’re cheating on me oryou don’t love me anymore; whatever! the case, I’m gone.

Your EX-Husband
P.S. don’t try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Dear Ex-Husband

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you’ve been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping. Too bad that doesn’t work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was ‘You look just like a girl!’ Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can’t say something nice, I didn’t comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & ; I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess.
I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won’t get a dime from me.

So take care.

Signed,
Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free!

P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl.

I hope that’s not a problem.


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Lent with Bubba


Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. But all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic....and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday. The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.

The Priest came to visit Bubba and suggested that he become a Catholic.

After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass......and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were born a Baptist and raised a Baptist but now you are a Catholic". Bubba's neighbours' were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison again filled the neighborhood.

The Priest was called immediately by the neighbours and as he rushed into Bubba's yard clutching a rosary preparing to scold him, he stopped and Watched in amazement.

There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted: "You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you is a catfish".


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The New Recruit


The Chief noticed a new seaman one day.... and barked at him, "Get over here!" "What is your name?" was the first thing the Chief asked the new guy.

"Paul," the new guy replied.

The Chief scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of bleeding-heart, liberal pansy stuff they're teaching Sailors in boot camp today, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my sailors by their last name only: Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all.. I am to be referred to only as Chief. Do I make myself clear?"

"Aye, aye, Chief!"

"Good! Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"

The new guy sighed.... and said, "Darling. My name is Paul Darling, Chief!"

"Okay.............. Paul,........ here's what I want you to do...


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A Post Office Worker


A Post Office worker at the main sorting office finds an unstamped, poorly hand-written envelope addressed to God. He opens it and discovers it is from an elderly lady, distressed because some thief robbed her of 100 dollars. She will be cold and hungry for the rest of the month if she doesn't receive some divine intervention.

The worker organizes a collection amongst the other postal workers, who dig deep and come up with 96 dollars. They get it to her by special courier the same morning.

A week later, the same postal worker recognizes the same hand on another envelope. He opens it and reads: "Dear God, Thank you for the 100 dollars. This month would have been so bleak otherwise. P.S. It was four dollars short but that was probably those thieving bastards at the Post Office".


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An Economist Was Leaving His Office Building


An economist was leaving his office building and saw a little boy sitting on the curb with a dog. The boy yelled at the economist, "Hey, how would you like to buy a dog".

The man was intrigued by this sales approach and asked the boy, "How much do you want for your dog".

The boy told him, "Fifty thousand dollars".

"Fifty thousand dollars!" the man repeated in astonishment. "What special tricks does this dog do that he can earn enough money to be worth fifty thousand dollars"? the man asked the boy?

The boy replied, "Mister, this dog never made a nickel in his life. Matter of fact, count what he eats I guess you could say you lose money on him every year".

The economist felt this was a good time to explain economics to the young man and expounded on how an item had to produce more income than it consumed to equal a puchase price ending with he might get five dollars from someone who just wanted a companion. Feeling he had imparted a very valuable lesson to the young man, the economist went on his way.

A few weeks later, the economist came out of his office building and the small boy was again sitting on the curb minus the dog. The man said to him, "I see you took my advise and sold the dog for five dollars".

The boy said, "No, I got fifty thousand dollars for him".

The business man was completely flabbergasted. "How did you ever get fifty thousand dollars for that dog" he asked.

"It was easy", said the boy. "I traded him for two twenty five thousand dollar cats".


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The Nymphomanic and the Doctor


Jones took his nymphomaniac wife to the doctor for treatment. "This is one hot potato of a lady, doctor, " he said. "Maybe you can do something for her? She goes for any man and I get very jealous."

"We'll see," the doctor said. He directed Mrs. Jones into his examining room, closed the door behind him and told her to undress. Then he told her to get up onto the examining table on her stomach.

The moment he touched her buttocks, she began to moan and squirm. It was too much for him to resist, and he climbed up on top of her and began to screw her.

Jones suddenly heard moans and groans coming from the room. Unable to control himself, he pushed open the door, to be confronted by the sight of the doctor astride his wife banging away.

"Doctor, what are you doing?" he asked.

The flustered doctor said, "Oh, it's you, Jones? I'm only taking your wife's temperature! "

Jones opened his switchblade knife and began to hone it on his sleeve very deliberately. "Ok Doc,....." he said, "but when you take that thing out, it better have numbers on it!!!!"


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Labour Pains

A married couple went to he hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother’s labor pain to the father.

He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.

But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.

The doctor checked the husband’s blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%.

The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain.

She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home, the mailman was lying dead on their porch.


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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself
¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

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