Tuesday 25th September 2018 - 02:52:47 

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The Priests Bathtime


It was time for Father John’s Saturday night bath and the young nun, Sister Magdalene, had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed.

Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John’s nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.

The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.

“Oh, sister,” said the young nun dreamily, “I’ve been Saved.”

“Saved? And how did that come about?” asked the old nun.

“Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven.”

“Did he?” said the old nun curiously.

Sister Magdalene continued, “And Father John said that if The Key to Heaven fits my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured salvation and eternal peace. And then, Father John
guided his Key to Heaven into my lock.”

“Is that a fact?” said the old nun even more curiously.

“At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my Heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved.”

“That wicked old bastard” said the old nun. ”He told me it was Gabriel’s Horn and I’ve been blowing it for 40 years.”


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A Pilot's Story



During a commercial airline flight an Air Force Pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms. When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.

The pilot pretended not to notice and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related impedimenta.

When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, "Gosh, that's a good looking baby...and he sure was hungry!"

Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said nursing would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.

The Air Force Pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed, "And all these years, I've been chewing gum."


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Squirrels At Church


There were five houses of religion in a small Texas town:
The Presbyterian Church, the Baptist Church, the Methodist Church, the Catholic Church and the Jewish Synagogue.

Each church and Synagogue was overrun with pesky squirrels.

One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will...

In The Baptist Church the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.

The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.

But -- The Catholic Church came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas, Ash Wednesday, Palm Sunday and Easter ...

Not much was heard about the Jewish Synagogue, but they took one squirrel and had a short service with him called circumcision and they haven't seen a squirrel on the property since.

Nicked from:
http://office-humour.co.uk/tags/joke/11485/


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Tourists Momento's - Another Groaner


Artifacts and gifts for tourists are a major portion of an Indian reservation's economy.

Thousands of visitors tour reservations each year and will not leave without purchasing at least one memento of traditional Indian culture.

One enterprising Native American was able to outsell all of his competitors in the category of wooden dolls by selling them at a fraction of the cost others had to charge for them. Upon examining his dolls closely, they found that where hard wood was traditionally used, this Native American would use cheap pine on which he glued thin pieces of fine mahogany, thus being able to produce the dolls at an incredibly reduced price.

While he claimed his dolls were still authentic Indian dolls, his competitors complained that they were only...... cheap Sioux veneers


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Restaurant Customer Orders a Squid - Groaner


A man walks into a restaurant and orders squid.

"Mais Certainement sir," says John-Baptiste the smarmy waiter. "Would you laahk to choose your squeed from ze tank over there?"

"I'll have that little green one with the moustache," says the customer.

"Mais Non!" Exclaims the waiter. "But he's the Chef's Favvoreet! 'E eez so small an' cute and friendlee. Surely Monsuier would prefer one ze the bigger, tastier ones non?"

"No," says the customer. "It's got to be that one".

So the waiter gets the little green squid out and takes him to the chef - Jervaise - who puts him on the chopping block, raises his knife and ... the little squid looks up and smiles, twitching his bushy moustache into a cute fluffy smile!

"It's no good' says Jervaise. "I can't do it. I'll have to ask Hans who does the washing up. He's a big, tough brute - he'll be able to do the evil deed'

Enter Hans: A massive bastard with tattoos all over his bare arms. Grunting, he takes the knife and pins down the wriggling squid while Jervaise bawls his eyes out in the corner of the kitchen. Hans raises the knife to chop the little squid's head off and ... once again the cute little squid looks up and smiles, wiggling his little tentacles and twitching his little 'tache. So Hans too finds it impossible to kill him.
Eventually the waiter is forced to go out to the customer and explain why he can't have that particular squid....

Well you see Monsuieur........ Ze Hans that does ze dishes is as soft as Jervaise with ze mild-green furry-lip squid.


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Three Bulls Discussing the Arrival of a New Bull


Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.

The first bull says, "Boys, we all know I've been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don't know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I ain't' givin' him any of mine."

The second bull says, "That pretty much says it for me, too. I've been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we've agreed are mine. I'll fight 'im till I run him off or kill 'im, but I'M KEEPIN' ALL MY COWS."

The third bull says, "I've only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to "take care of". I may not be as big as you fellows yet, but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows."

They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen! At 4700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.

The first bull says, "Ahem...You know, it's actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend."

The second bull says, "I'll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I'm certainly not looking for an argument."

They look over at their young friend, the third bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting up a storm.

The first bull says, "Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."

The third bull says, "Heck, he can have ALL my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'M a bull!"


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Viagra Prescribed by the Doctor


An older man goes to the Doctor in desire of a prescription for Viagra.

The Doctor looks over the man, and says, "Viagra can be very dangerous and we do not just dispense it indiscriminately. Please bring your wife to my office next week and we'll discuss this in more detail.

So the following week he shows up with his wife.

The Doctor asks to see the wife by herself for a few moments and she follows him back to the examining room. The doctor asks her to disrobe and she does. He then asks her to turn around in 360 degrees a few times then instructs her to get up on the examining table and to turn in various positions. He then tells her she can get dressed and goes out to meet the Male Patient. "Sir," The Doctor Says, "There is nothing wrong with you, I couldn't get an erection either.


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An Old Owl....


An old owl was perched on a tree on top of a hill one very cold night. He looked down in the valley and saw a light in a window so he decided to fly down to the window ledge in hopes there was some warmth escaping. Well sure enough it was warm, so he fell fast asleep. He didn’t know that there were two vetenary students inside studying for final exams.

The two vetenary students spotted the owl and decided to use him as practice. They eased the window open and gassed him.

The first student looked down the owls throat and said he has tonsillitis, so he operated.

The other looked at his butt and announced that the owl had hemorrhoids, so he operated.

They placed the owl back out on the ledge.

The owl woke up very groggy and flew away.

The next winter that same owl was perched on the same tree on a very cold night.

A young owl landed next to him and said brrrr it sure is cold out tonight.

The old owl agreed.

The young owl noticed there was a light down in the valley and suggested they both fly down there to the window ledge and maybe find some escaping heat.

The old owl replied "no way”, last year I did the same thing, passed out, woke up drunk and for the next six weeks I couldn’t shit worth a hoot or hoot worth a shit.


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If You Love Someone . . .

Shakespeare:
if you love someone,
Set her free ....
If she ever comes back, she's yours,
If she doesn't, here's the poison, suicide yourself for her.


Optimist:
If you love someone,
Set her free ....
Don't worry, she will come back.


Suspicious:
If you love someone,
Set her free ....
If she ever comes back, ask her why.


Impatient:
If you love someone,
Set her free ....
If she doesn't comes back within some time forget her.


Patient:
IF you love someone,
Set her free ....
If she doesn't come back, continue to wait until she comes back.


Playful:
If you love someone,
Set her free ....
*If she comes back, and if you love her still, set her free again, repeat*


C++ Programmer:
if(you-love(m_she))
m_she.free()
if(m_she == NULL)
m_she= new CShe;


Lawyers:
If you love someone,
Set her free,
Clause 1a of Paragraph 13a-1 in the second amendment of the Matrimonial Freedom Act clearly states that....


Bill Gates:
If you love someone,Set her free,
If she comes back, I think we can charge her for re-installation fees but tell her that she's also going to get an upgrade.


Biologist:
If you love someone,
Set her free, She'll evolve.


Statisticians:
If you love someone, Set her free,
If she loves you, the probability of her coming back is high If she doesn't, the Weibull distribution and your relation was improbable anyway.


Salesman:
If you love someone,
Set her free ....
If she ever comes back, deal!
If she doesn't, so what! "NEXT".


Schwarzenegger's fans:
If you love someone,
Set her free,
SHE'LL BE BACK!


Insurance agent:
If you love someone,
Show her the plan ....
If she ever comes back, sign her up,
If she doesn't, keep follow up with her and never give up!


Physician:
If you love someone,
Set her free ....
If she ever comes back, it's the law of gravity,
If she doesn't, either there's friction higher than the force or the angle of collision between two objects did not synchronize at the right angle.


Mathematician:
If you love someone,
Set her free ....
If she ever comes back, 1 + 1 = 2 (peanut!),
If she doesn't, Y = 2X - log(0.46Y^2 + (cos(52/34X)) x 5Y^(-0.5)c) where c is the infinite constant of no turning point.

Nowadays' style:
If You Love Someone,
Set it free,
If It Comes Back, It is Yours
If It Doesn't, Hunt it Down and Kill It...!!! OR PERHAPS REPORT TO IMMIGRATION THAT SHE/HE IS AN ILLEGAL

If you love someone
WHY IN THE FIRST PLACE SET HER FREE???
CARELESS IDIOT!!!

FaceBokk advice:
If you love someone
Set them free.
If they don't come back, call them later...
But only when you're drunk.



Update: from Facebook's Crap Jokes Central






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Letter from the Husband Leaving his Wife and her Reply

Dear wife:

I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you forever. I’ve been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came home & didn’t even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don’t tell me you love me anymore; you don’t want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you’re cheating on me oryou don’t love me anymore; whatever! the case, I’m gone.

Your EX-Husband
P.S. don’t try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Dear Ex-Husband

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you’ve been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping. Too bad that doesn’t work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was ‘You look just like a girl!’ Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can’t say something nice, I didn’t comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & ; I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess.
I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won’t get a dime from me.

So take care.

Signed,
Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free!

P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl.

I hope that’s not a problem.


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This can save your bacon

¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

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