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Ma and Pa Were Two Hillbillies Living out on a Farm Up in the Hills.

Pa has found out that the hole under the outhouse is full. He goes into the house and tells Ma that he doesn't know what to do to empty the hole.

Ma says, "Why don't you go ask the young'n down the road? He must be smart 'cause he's a college gradjyate."

So Pa drives down to the neighbor's house and asks him, "Mr. College gradjyate, my outhouse hole is full, and I don't know what to do to empty it."

The young'n tells him, "Get yourself two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse. Put them both under the outhouse and light them both at the same time. The first one will go off and shoot the outhouse in the air. While it's in the air the second one will then go off and spread the poop all across your farm, fertilizing your ground. The outhouse should then come back down to the same spot atop the now-empty hole."

Pa thanks the neighbor, then drives to the hardware store and picks up two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse. He goes home and puts them under the outhouse. He then lights them and runs behind a tree.

All of a sudden, Ma comes running out of the house and into the outhouse! Off goes the first stick of dynamite, shooting the outhouse into the air. BOOM! Off goes the second stick of dynamite, spreading poop all over the farm. Then, WHAM! The outhouse comes crashing back down atop the hole.

Pa races to the outhouse, throws open the door and asks, "Ma, are you all right?"

As she pulls up her panties she says, "Yeah, but I'm sure glad I didn't fart in the kitchen!"


Discussed here: http://bangkok.craigslist.org/forums/?forumID=1257


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Is Socialism a Joke?


An economics professor at Texas Tech said he had never failed a single student before but had, once, failed an entire class. That class had insisted that socialism worked and that no one would be poor and no one would be rich, a great equalizer. The professor then said ok, we will have an experiment in this class on socialism.

All grades would be averaged and everyone would receive the same grade so no one would fail and no one would receive an A. After the first test the grades were averaged and everyone got a B. The students who studied hard were upset and the students who studied little were happy. But, as the second test rolled around, the students who studied little had studied even less and the ones who studied hard decided they wanted a free ride too; so they studied little. The second test average was a D! No one was happy. When the 3rd test rolled around the average was an F.

The scores never increased as bickering, blame, name calling all resulted in hard feelings and no one would study for the benefit of anyone else. All failed, to their great surprise, and the professor told them that socialism would also ultimately fail because when the reward is great, the effort to succeed is great; but when government takes all the reward away; no one will try or want to succeed.

Could not be any simpler than that....


Nicked from: http://newyork.craigslist.org/forums/?ID=121761187


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A Man Went to the Police Station


wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.


“You’ll get your chance in court,” said the desk sergeant.


“No, no, no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!”



Nicked from: http://newyork.craigslist.org/forums/?ID=121581538 [teddy69] 04/12 23:20:22


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A Lonely Guy...


decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner he wanted to buy an unusual animal. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede, which came in a little white box to use for his house.


He took the box back home, found a good location for it, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a drink.


So he asked the centipede in the box, “Would you like to go to Frank’s with me for a beer?” But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, “How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?”


But again there was no answer from his new pet. So he waited a few more minutes, thinking about the situation and he decided to ask him one more time. This time, he put his face up against the centipede’s little house he shouted, “HEY, IN THERE, WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO TO FRANK`S PLACE AND HAVE A DRINK WITH ME?”


A little voice came out of the box, “I HEARD YOU THE FIRST TIME! I`M PUTTING ON MY SHOES!”


Nicked from: http://newyork.craigslist.org/forums/?ID=121580068 [teddy69] 04/12 22:48:06


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Mental Health Ponderisms


Every man is wise when attacked by a mad dog; fewer when pursued by a mad woman; only the wisest survive when attacked by a mad notion.
Robertson Davies

There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.
Oscar Levant

Reality is something you rise above.
Liza Minnelli

People often write me and ask how I keep my wood floors so clean when I live with a child and a dog, and my answer is that I use a technique called Suffering From a Mental Illness.
Heather Armstrong

I've wrestled with reality for 35 years, Doctor, and I'm happy to state I finally won out over it.
Mary Chase

Truly great madness cannot be achieved without significant intelligence.
Henrik Tikkanen

Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.
Samuel Goldwyn

If we couldn't laugh, we would all go insane.
Jimmy Buffett

Most men are within a finger's breadth of being mad.
Diogenes the Cynic

I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.'
Umberto Eco

Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege.
Unknown

One out of four people in this country is Mentally Unbalanced.
Ann Lander

When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.
Mark Twain

Insane people are always sure that they are fine. It is only the sane people who are willing to admit that they are crazy.
Nora Ephron

Everyone is born with genius, but most people only keep it a few minutes.
Edgard Varese

I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back.
Richard Lewis

When dealing with the insane, the best method is to pretend to be sane.
Hermann Hesse

Research indicates that Genius cannot exist without mental disorder, George Orwell and Lewis Carroll suffered autism. While Mozart, Hans Christian Andersen and Mozart almost certainly suffered from Asperger's syndrome. Those suffering from Asperger's syndrome often have artistic creativity, as well as mathematical genius.

None of the above mental health quotes are completely, true. What is disturbing, is that each has a grain of truth.


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Some More Puns and Wise Words


I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.

Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.

We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.

The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.

The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground

The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.

A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

A bicycle can't stand alone, it is two tired.

A will is a dead giveaway.

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

A backward poet writes inverse.

In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.

You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.

He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.


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How Do You Unlock the Door?


John and Jill were about to go into his apartment and before he could open his door, Jill said, "Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door."

John says, "Well, give me some examples."

Jill proceeds to tell him, "Well, the first way is, if a guy shoves his key in the lock, and opens the door hard, then that means he is a rough lover and that isn't for me.

"The second way is if a man fumbles around and can't seem to find the hole, then that means he is inexperienced and that isn't for me either."

Then Jill said, "Honey, how do you unlock your door?"

John proceeds to say, "Well, first before I do anything else........ I lick the lock."



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Not a Joke but an Oldies Music Quiz Instead

(answers below)

Thirty great memories about music that caused our parents and teachers grief! Take the quiz and see how you score as a true 'Oldies Fan.' Write down your answers and check them against the answers at the end.


1. When did 'Little Suzie' finally wake up?
(a) The movie's over, it's 2 o'clock
(b) The movie's over, it's 3 o'clock
(c) The movie's over, it's 4 o'clock

2. 'Rock Around The Clock' was used in what movie?
(a) Rebel Without A Cause
(b) Blackboard Jungle
(c) The Wild Ones

3. What's missing from a Rock & Roll standpoint? Earth _____
(a) Angel
(b) Mother
(c) Worm

4. 'I found my thrill . . .' where?
(a) Kansas City
(b) Heartbreak Hotel
(c) Blueberry Hill

5. 'Please turn on your magic beam, _____ _____ bring me a dream,:
(a) Mr. Sandman
(b) Earth Angel
(c) Dream Lover

6 For which label did Elvis Presley first record?
(a) Atlantic
(b) RCA
(c) Sun

7. He asked, 'Why's everybody always pickin' on me?' Who was he?
(a) Bad, Bad Leroy Brown
(b) Charlie Brown
(c) Buster Brown

8. Bob [* PersonName *] by Darin's 'Mack The Knife,' the one with the knife, was named:
(a) MacHeath
(b) MacCloud
(c) MacNamara

9. A Name the song with ''A-wop bop a-loo bop a-lop bam boom.'
(a) Good Golly, Miss Molly
(b) Be-Bop-A-Lula
(c) Tutti Fruitti

10. Who is generally given credit for originating the term 'Rock And Roll'?
(a) Dick Clark
(b) Wolfman Jack
(c) Alan Freed

11. In 1957, he left the music business to become a preacher:
(a) Little Richard
(b) Frankie Lymon
(c) Tony Orlando

12. Paul Anka's 'Puppy Love' is written to what star?
(a) Brenda Lee
(b) Connie Francis
(c) Annette Funicello

13. The Everly Brothers are . . ...
(a) Pete and Dick
(b) Don and Phil
(c) Bob and Bill

14. The Big Bopper's real name was:
(a) Jiles P. Richardson
(b) Roy Harold Scherer Jr.
(c) Marion Michael Morrison

15. In 1959, Berry Gordy, Jr., started a small record company called..
(a) Decca
(b) Cameo
(c) Motown

16. Edd Brynes had a hit with 'Kookie, Kookie, Lend Me Your Comb'.
'What TV show was he on?
(a) 77 Sunset Strip
(b) Hawaiian Eye
(c) Surfside Six

17.. In 1960 Bob by Darin married:
(a) Carol Lynley
(b) Sandra Dee
(c) Natalie Wood

18. They were a one hit wonder with 'Book Of Love':
(a) The Penguins
(b) The Monotones
(c) The Moonglows

19. The Everly Brothers sang a song called 'Till I ________ You.'
(a) Loved
(b) Kissed
(c) Met

20. Chuck Berry sang 'Oh, ___________, why can't you be true?'
(a) Suzie Q
(b) Peggy Sue
(c) Maybelline

21. 'Wooly _______'
(a) Mammouth
(b) Bully
(c) Pully

22. 'I'm like a one-eyed cat . . ..
(a) can't go into town no more
(b) sleepin' on a cold hard floor
(c) peepin' in a seafood store

23. 'Sometimes I wonder what I'm gonna do . .. ...'
(a) cause there ain't no answer for a life without booze
(b) cause there ain't no cure for the summertime blues
(c) cause my car's gassed up and I'm ready to cruise

24. 'They often call me Speedo, ! but my r eal name is . . ....'
(a) Mr. Earl
(b) Jackie Pearl
(c) Milton Berle

25. 'You're my Fanny and nobody else's . . ....'
(a) girl
(b) butt
(c) love

26. 'I want you to play with my . . . '
(a) heart
(b) dreams
(c) ding a ling

27. 'Be Bop A Lula . . .'
(a) she's got the rabies
(b) she's my baby.
(c) she loves me, maybe

28. 'Fine Love, Fine Kissing . . ....'
(a) right here
(b) fifty cents
(c) just for you

29. 'He wore black denim trousers and . . ..'
(a) a pink carnation
(b) pink leotards
(c) motorcycle boots

30. 'I got a gal named . . .'
(a) Jenny Zamboni
(b) Gerri Mahoney
(c) Boney Maroney

Answers: Scroll Down





* * * * * * * * * * * * *

1 (c) The movie's over, it's 4 o'clock
2. (b) Blackboard Jungle
3. (a) Angel
4. (c) Blueberry Hill
5. (a) Mr. Sandman
6 (c) Sun
7. (b) Charlie Brown
8. (a) Mac Heath
9.. (c) Tutti Fruitti
10. (c) Alan Freed
11. (a) Little Richard
12. (c) Annette Funicello
13. (b) Don and Phil
14. (a) Jiles P. Richardson
15. (c) Motown
16. (a) 77 Sunset Strip
17. (b) Sandra Dee
18. (b) The Monotones
19. (b) Kissed
20. (c) Maybelline
21. (b) Bully
22. (c) peepin' in a seafood store
23. (b) cause there ain't no cure for the summertime blues
24. (a) Mr. Earl
25. (b) butt
26. (c) ding a ling
27. (b) she's my baby
28. (a) right here
29. (c) motorcycle boots
30. (c) Boney Maroney


Link to conform to CraigsList Terms & Conditions:
http://newyork.craigslist.org/forums/?forumID=1257


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Midas Touch


Metaphorically, the 'Midas touch' is defined as someone of good fortune, for whom everything they touch "turns to gold".

Gordon Brown is said to have the 'Andrex touch.'


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The Priests Bathtime


It was time for Father John’s Saturday night bath and the young nun, Sister Magdalene, had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed.

Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John’s nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.

The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.

“Oh, sister,” said the young nun dreamily, “I’ve been Saved.”

“Saved? And how did that come about?” asked the old nun.

“Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven.”

“Did he?” said the old nun curiously.

Sister Magdalene continued, “And Father John said that if The Key to Heaven fits my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured salvation and eternal peace. And then, Father John
guided his Key to Heaven into my lock.”

“Is that a fact?” said the old nun even more curiously.

“At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my Heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved.”

“That wicked old bastard” said the old nun. ”He told me it was Gabriel’s Horn and I’ve been blowing it for 40 years.”


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This can save your bacon

¯\_(ツ)_/¯



The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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