Thursday 20th June 2019 - 10:54:52 

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English is a Crazy Language.

For Those who Reed and Right
We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes;
but the plural of ox became oxen not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice;
yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men,
why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
If I spoke of my foot and show you my feet,
and I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that, and three would be those,
yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
and the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
but though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
but imagine the feminine, she, shis and shim.

Let's face! it! - English is a crazy language.



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A Woman Was Driving into a Small Town


This woman is driving into a small town and slams on the brakes as a coyote runs across the road in front of her. Just as she regains her wits and gets ready to proceed, a cowboy runs right in front of her and catches the coyote by the hind legs and starts screwing it.

She screams and drives into town to find the local law.

She sees the local sheriff's car parked in front of the town bar. "It figures," she says as she storms inside. The first thing she notices is an old, old man with a long white beard sitting in the corner jacking-off. She runs up to the sheriff who's sitting at the bar with his drink.

"What kind of sick town are you running here? I drive into town and almost run over some cowboy sodomizing an animal... and then... I come in here.... and see this old man in the corner abusing himself in public!"

"Well, ma'am," the sheriff slowly replies, "you don't expect him to catch a coyote at his age, do ya"?


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Wishful Thinking

Two gay men are beach walking, holding hands when a beautiful woman passes them. She's 5'10", 120 lbs, 38-24-36, wearing a string bikini with no tan lines.

The first gay man turns to his friend, sighs audibly and in a breathless whisper says, "It's women like her that sometimes make me wish I was a lesbian."


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The Flatmate

A young man called Peter invited his mother for dinner. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how handsome Peter's flatmate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Peter and his flatmate than met the eye. Reading his mum's thoughts, Peter volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Simon and I are just flatmates".

About a week later, Simon came to Peter saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the frying pan, you don't suppose she took it do you?"

"Well, I doubt it, but I'll e-mail her just to be sure," said Peter, so he sat down and wrote:

Dear Mother,
I'm not saying that you "did" take the frying pan from my house, I'm not saying that you "did not" take the frying pan, but the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love Peter.

Several days later, Peter received an e-mail from his mother which read:
Dear son,
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Simon, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with Simon, but the fact remains that if he was sleeping in his own bed, he would have found the frying pan by now.
Love mum x



"The moral of this story is:"

Don't ever lie to your mother




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A Married Couple in Their Early 60s

A married couple in their early 60s were out celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish."

"Ooh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband" said the wife. The fairy moved her
magic stick and - abracadabra! - two tickets for the new QM2 luxury liner appeared in her hands.

Now it was the husband's turn. He thought for a moment and said: "Well this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this only occurs once in a lifetime, so, I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me".

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed; but a wish is a wish. So the fairy made a circle with her magic stick and -abracadabra! - the husband became 92 years old.

The moral of this story..... Men might be ungrateful idiots....But fairies are......females


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One Liners Version: 001


Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."

I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.

There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and shithead's.

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?



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Little Johnny Gets Advice from His Father

"My teacher is really giving me a tuff time" Little Johnny was telling his father.

"Handle it this way Johnny," his father advised. "Take special care with your personal appearance and attire, pay attention in class and do your assignments and homework promptly."

"I really don't think that'll help Dad," Johnny sighed. "She hissed at me during study break that she's 3 weeks overdue."


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The Student to the Sex Researcher

"In my case," said the student to the sex researcher, "when I get it part way in, my vision blurs. And when it's all the way in, I can't see a thing."

"Now, that's an most interesting optical reaction, that may well have anatomical as well as physiological basis." the researcher replied. "If you don't mind young man, I should like to have a look at it."

So, the student volunteer shrugged and stuck out his tongue.


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Popular Quotations and Thai Translations


เราดีกว่าเดิมได้

เรายังดีไม่พอ We were not enough good,

แต่เราดีกว่าเดิมได้ but we could be better.
คนญี่ปุ่นใช้หลักดังกล่าวทั้งในการดำเนินชีวิตและการทำงาน

ประโยคแรกสอนให้เป็นคนอ่อนน้อมถ่อมตน
ประโยคที่สองสอนให้รู้จักพัฒนาตนเองให้ดีขึ้น

================//=================

"Life remains the same until the pain of remaining the same becomes greater than the pain of change."

ชีวิตจะไม่มีการเปลี่ยนแปลงจนกระทั่งความเจ็บปวดจากความนิ่งเฉย จะมากกว่าความเจ็บปวดจากการเปลี่ยนแปลง

================//=================

"The determined man finds the way, the other finds an excuse or alibi."

ผู้ที่แน่วแน่และมุ่งมั่นจะหาหนทางแก้ปัญหา ในขณะที่คนอื่นจะหาหนทางแก้ตัว

================//=================

"The only thing in life achieved without effort is failure."

มีเพียงสิ่งเดียวในชีวิตที่จะสามารถพิชิตได้โดยไม่ต้องใช้ความพยายามมากมายคือความล้มเหลว

================//=================

"Some dream of worthy accomplishments, while others stay awake and do them."

บางคนฝันที่จะประสบความสำเร็จอย่างสวยหรู ในขณะที่บางคนกำลังลงมือกระทำ

================//=================

"No bird soars too high if he soars with his own wings."

ไม่มีนกตัวใดบินสูงเกินไปถ้ามันบินด้วยปีกของมันเอง

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goals."

อุปสรรคคือสิ่งที่น่าตกใจก็ต่อเมื่อคุณไม่ได้มองไปที่จุดหมายปลายทาง

================//=================

"Life is a big canvas and you should throw all the paint you can on it."

ชีวิตเหมือนภาพเขียนขนาดใหญ่และคุณควรจะใช้สีทั้งหมดที่คุณมีสร้างสรรค์มันขึ้นมา

================//=================

"Do what you can, with what you have, where you are."

ทำในสิ่งที่คุณสามารถจะทำได้ พร้อมกับสิ่งที่คุณมีและที่ที่คุณอยู่

================//=================

"Freedom is nothing else but a chance to do better."

อิสรภาพ ไม่ใช่อะไรอย่างอื่นเลย หากแต่คือโอกาสที่จะทำสิ่งต่างๆให้ดีขึ้น

================//=================


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Wee Willie and Wanda

Wee Willie was walking with Wanda, his new girlfriend, carrying her books home from grammar school. Both were eight years old.

"Wanda," said Wee Willie with a worshipping gaze, "you are the first girl I have ever loved."

"Dammit!" said Wanda, "another beginner."



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This can save your bacon

¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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