Previously On Johns-Jokes
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How to Dump a Man
Dear ________,
I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available.
So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition.
Check those that apply...
___Your last name is objectionable.
I can't imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.
___Your first name is objectionable.
It's just not something I can picture myself yelling out in a fit of passion.
___The fact that our dining experiences to date
has left MY wallet a little lighter, and YOUR pants a little tighter!
___Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms by the truckload"
indicates that you may be interested in me for something other than my personality.
___You failed the 20 Question Rule
i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.
___Your constant e-mailing
shows me you have TOO much time on your hands!
___Your legs are skinnier than mine.
___You're too short.
Any son that we produced would inevitably be beaten up repeatedly at recess.
___You're too tall.
I'm developing a chronic neck condition from trying to kiss you.
___I find your inability to fix my car
extraordinarily unappealing.
___The fact that your apartment has been condemned
reveals an inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.
___The phrase "My Mother"
has popped up far too often in conversation.
___You still live with your parents.
___Although I still enjoy the X-Files,
I find your wardrobe of Star Trek uniforms a little disconcerting.
___Your frequent references to your ex-girlfriend
lead me to suspect that you are some sort of psychotic stalker.
___Your ability to belch the alphabet
is not a trait that I am seeking in a long-term partner.
___Your height is out of proportion to your weight.
If you should however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your application.
___Somehow I doubt those condoms I found in your overnight bag were really necessary for a successful
business trip.
___I am out of your league, set your sights lower next time.
Sincerely,
Cruella de Ville
When It Comes to Sex
Accountants do it with Double Entry
Acupuncturists do it with a small prick
Ambulance drivers come quicker
Australians do it Down Under
Bankers do it with interest
Bartenders do it on the Rocks
Chess players check their Mates
Cops do it with cuffs
DJs do it on request
Deep-sea divers do it under extreme pressure
Dentists do it orally
Detectives do it under cover
Please, don't do it with Bankers; most of them are Tellers!
Engineers do it to specification
Firemen do it with a big hose
Frank Sinatra does it his way
Garbage-men come twice a week
Gardeners do it in the bushes
Gas attendants Pump all day
Jockeys gallop hard and finish fast
Landlords do it every 1st of the month
Mountain Climbers like to be on top
Pianists touch, tickle, and titillate!
Pizza delivery men come in 30 minutes or it's free
Truckers do it on the road
Travel Agents do it in lots of different places
Waiters and waitresses do it for tips
Watch out for tennis players - love means nothing to them!
And Zoologists do it with animals!
Contribution from jlo
The Cab Driver....
A woman and her son were taking a cab in New York City. It was raining and all the hookers were standing under the awnings."Mommy," said the little boy, "what are all those ladies doing?"
"They're waiting for their husbands to get off of work," she replied.
The cabbie turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? Their hookers. They have sex with men for money."
The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true, mommy?" His mother, glaring at the cabbie, answers in the affirmative.
After a few minutes, the kid asks, "Mommy what happens to the babies those ladies have?"
"They mostly become cab drivers," she replied.
Nicked from: http://bangkok.craigslist.org/forums/?ID=122115043 - [nascar-fan] 04/17 16:52:44
Ma and Pa Were Two Hillbillies Living out on a Farm Up in the Hills.
Pa has found out that the hole under the outhouse is full. He goes into the house and tells Ma that he doesn't know what to do to empty the hole.Ma says, "Why don't you go ask the young'n down the road? He must be smart 'cause he's a college gradjyate."
So Pa drives down to the neighbor's house and asks him, "Mr. College gradjyate, my outhouse hole is full, and I don't know what to do to empty it."
The young'n tells him, "Get yourself two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse. Put them both under the outhouse and light them both at the same time. The first one will go off and shoot the outhouse in the air. While it's in the air the second one will then go off and spread the poop all across your farm, fertilizing your ground. The outhouse should then come back down to the same spot atop the now-empty hole."
Pa thanks the neighbor, then drives to the hardware store and picks up two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse. He goes home and puts them under the outhouse. He then lights them and runs behind a tree.
All of a sudden, Ma comes running out of the house and into the outhouse! Off goes the first stick of dynamite, shooting the outhouse into the air. BOOM! Off goes the second stick of dynamite, spreading poop all over the farm. Then, WHAM! The outhouse comes crashing back down atop the hole.
Pa races to the outhouse, throws open the door and asks, "Ma, are you all right?"
As she pulls up her panties she says, "Yeah, but I'm sure glad I didn't fart in the kitchen!"
Discussed here: http://bangkok.craigslist.org/forums/?forumID=1257
Is Socialism a Joke?
An economics professor at Texas Tech said he had never failed a single student before but had, once, failed an entire class. That class had insisted that socialism worked and that no one would be poor and no one would be rich, a great equalizer. The professor then said ok, we will have an experiment in this class on socialism.
All grades would be averaged and everyone would receive the same grade so no one would fail and no one would receive an A. After the first test the grades were averaged and everyone got a B. The students who studied hard were upset and the students who studied little were happy. But, as the second test rolled around, the students who studied little had studied even less and the ones who studied hard decided they wanted a free ride too; so they studied little. The second test average was a D! No one was happy. When the 3rd test rolled around the average was an F.
The scores never increased as bickering, blame, name calling all resulted in hard feelings and no one would study for the benefit of anyone else. All failed, to their great surprise, and the professor told them that socialism would also ultimately fail because when the reward is great, the effort to succeed is great; but when government takes all the reward away; no one will try or want to succeed.
Could not be any simpler than that....
Nicked from: http://newyork.craigslist.org/forums/?ID=121761187
A Man Went to the Police Station
wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
“You’ll get your chance in court,” said the desk sergeant.
“No, no, no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!”
Nicked from: http://newyork.craigslist.org/forums/?ID=121581538 [teddy69] 04/12 23:20:22
A Lonely Guy...
decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner he wanted to buy an unusual animal. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede, which came in a little white box to use for his house.
He took the box back home, found a good location for it, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a drink.
So he asked the centipede in the box, “Would you like to go to Frank’s with me for a beer?” But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, “How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?”
But again there was no answer from his new pet. So he waited a few more minutes, thinking about the situation and he decided to ask him one more time. This time, he put his face up against the centipede’s little house he shouted, “HEY, IN THERE, WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO TO FRANK`S PLACE AND HAVE A DRINK WITH ME?”
A little voice came out of the box, “I HEARD YOU THE FIRST TIME! I`M PUTTING ON MY SHOES!”
Nicked from: http://newyork.craigslist.org/forums/?ID=121580068 [teddy69] 04/12 22:48:06
Mental Health Ponderisms
Every man is wise when attacked by a mad dog; fewer when pursued by a mad woman; only the wisest survive when attacked by a mad notion.
Robertson Davies
There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.
Oscar Levant
Reality is something you rise above.
Liza Minnelli
People often write me and ask how I keep my wood floors so clean when I live with a child and a dog, and my answer is that I use a technique called Suffering From a Mental Illness.
Heather Armstrong
I've wrestled with reality for 35 years, Doctor, and I'm happy to state I finally won out over it.
Mary Chase
Truly great madness cannot be achieved without significant intelligence.
Henrik Tikkanen
Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.
Samuel Goldwyn
If we couldn't laugh, we would all go insane.
Jimmy Buffett
Most men are within a finger's breadth of being mad.
Diogenes the Cynic
I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.'
Umberto Eco
Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege.
Unknown
One out of four people in this country is Mentally Unbalanced.
Ann Lander
When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.
Mark Twain
Insane people are always sure that they are fine. It is only the sane people who are willing to admit that they are crazy.
Nora Ephron
Everyone is born with genius, but most people only keep it a few minutes.
Edgard Varese
I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back.
Richard Lewis
When dealing with the insane, the best method is to pretend to be sane.
Hermann Hesse
Research indicates that Genius cannot exist without mental disorder, George Orwell and Lewis Carroll suffered autism. While Mozart, Hans Christian Andersen and Mozart almost certainly suffered from Asperger's syndrome. Those suffering from Asperger's syndrome often have artistic creativity, as well as mathematical genius.
None of the above mental health quotes are completely, true. What is disturbing, is that each has a grain of truth.
Some More Puns and Wise Words
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.
Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.
We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.
The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground
The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
A bicycle can't stand alone, it is two tired.
A will is a dead giveaway.
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
A backward poet writes inverse.
In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.
He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
How Do You Unlock the Door?
John and Jill were about to go into his apartment and before he could open his door, Jill said, "Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door."
John says, "Well, give me some examples."
Jill proceeds to tell him, "Well, the first way is, if a guy shoves his key in the lock, and opens the door hard, then that means he is a rough lover and that isn't for me.
"The second way is if a man fumbles around and can't seem to find the hole, then that means he is inexperienced and that isn't for me either."
Then Jill said, "Honey, how do you unlock your door?"
John proceeds to say, "Well, first before I do anything else........ I lick the lock."