Sunday 8th December 2019 - 20:34:33 

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My One Armed Friend

I have a really good buddy called Pete. He lost an arm a few years back in a motorcycle accident. I saw him last Friday and called "Hi Pete where are you going"?

"To change a light-bulb" he replied.

Trying not to be offensive I ventured "Won't that be a little awkward"?

"Not really" he retorted, "I still have the receipt".


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The Tree Hugging Lady

The head Greenie Tree Hugging Lady Activist, who was responsible for getting horses banned from National Parks & State Forests, was climbing a big tree to have a look out over the forestry when a Tawny Frogmouth Owl attacked her for invading its nesting site.

In a panic to make her escape, she slid down the tree, getting many splinters in the crotch of her designer shorts.

In considerable pain she hurried to the nearest Doctor, told him, she was an environmentalist, and how she got all the splinters. The Doctor listened with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her.

She waited for three hours before the Doctor reappeared.

The angry woman demanded: "What took you so long?" He smiled and then told her: "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forestry Service, National Parks and Wildlife Service, Country Fire Authority, and Conservation and Land Management, before I could remove "Old Growth Timber" from a recreational area....... I am sorry but they turned me down."


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Proverbs - According to 6year Olds

Mary taught first grade. She had a class of twenty-five adorable 6yr olds. One day Mary gave each child the first half of a well known proverb and asked them to write in the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. While reading the results, keep in mind that these are only first graders, just 6 years olds.

No news is............................impossible.

Love all, trust....................... me.

An idle mind is........................the best way to relax.

Strike while the.......................bug is close.

Better late than.......................pregnant.

A penny saved is...................... not much.

Don't change horses....................until they stop running.

A miss is as good as a ................... Mr.

Happy is the bride who......................gets all the presents.

Two's company, three's....................... the Musketeers.

Don't bite the hand that...................... looks dirty.

It’s always darkest before......................Daylight Saving Time.

There are none so blind as .................... Stevie Wonder.

Where there's smoke there's ................... pollution.

The pen is mightier than the..................... pigs.

If at first you don't succeed...................... get new batteries.

When the blind lead the blind .................... get out of the way!

Children should be seen and not ..................spanked or grounded.

You can't teach an old dog new .............. ....math.

Don't put off till tomorrow what.................... you put on to go to bed.


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The Time of Reckoning

A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, 'What are all those clocks'?

St. Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move'.

'Oh', said the man. 'Whose clock is that'?

'That's Mother Teresa's', replied St. Peter. 'The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie'.

'Incredible', said the man. 'And whose clock is that one'?

St. Peter responded, 'That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life'.

'Where's Gordon Brown's clock?' asked the man.

St Peter replied, 'Jesus has it in his office. He uses it as a ceiling fan'.


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Two Men Sat at the Bar

Two men at a bar had been enjoying a few drinks for the past couple of hours and were pretty drunk when one of them notices a beautiful woman sitting in the corner.

One says to the other, "jeez, i'd really like to dance with that girl."

The other man replies, "well go ahead and ask her, don't be a chicken shit."

So the man approaches the lovely woman and says, "excuse me. would you be so kind as to dance with me?"

Seeing the man is totally drunk the woman says, "i'm sorry. right now i'm contemplating on matrimony, and i'd rather sit than dance."

So the man humbly returns to his friend "so what did she say?" asks the friend.

The drunk responded, "she said she's constipated on macaroni, and would rather shit in her pants."


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Extracts from Police Car Video Arrests


The following were taken off of actual police car videos around the country.

#15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

#14 "Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

#13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

#12 "Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9mm bullet fired from my gun."

#11 "So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

#10 "Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh .. did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

#9 "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

#8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

#7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey shit!."

#6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

#5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

#4 "Just how big were those two beers?"

#3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

#2 "I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."

and the best one . .

#1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets?
..... You're right, we don't. ... Sign here

Nicked from: http://newyork.craigslist.org/forums/?ID=122727417


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More Amazing but Useless Facts

When placed in warm milk, raisins re-plump into grapes.

The metal backs of iPods are made from recycled zippers.

Eskimos don’t believe in bridges or tunnels.

Every sixteen minutes, someone named Richard dies.

Billy Bob Thornton’s grandfather was the first person to own a television.

Dolphins kill more people annually than sharks and influenza combined.

On a dare, former President Rutherford B. Hayes declared war on Chile for 17 minutes.

The original title for Catcher in the Rye was Hey, Look, a Carousel!

Professionals call the top socket on an electrical outlet the “Martha,” and the bottom socket the “Jasmine.”

In the archives at the Smithsonian Institute in Washington, D.C., there are two identical snowflakes preserved in a freezer.

Three out of every ten nickels has been in someone’s mouth.

If you hold one nostril closed for 72 hours, you will slowly lose the ability to see color. (Your sight will instantly return to normal when you release your nostril.)

Wave a magnet at the lower left corner of a vending machine to receive a free soda.

The glossy paper from the backs of stickers can be used to soothe sunburn.

To be a train conductor, you have to cut off one of your own toes during a loyalty ritual.

The Z in Jay-Z’s name stands for “Zeppidemus.”

Jean shorts were invented three weeks prior to the invention of regular jeans.

Whispering instead of talking on cell phones saves significant battery power.

In Austria, the traditional Christmas colors are not red and greed, but purple and clear.

Benjamin Franklin coined the phrase “Baby Mama” in a satirical poem published in Poor Richard’s Almanac.

If you take the first letter of each word in the Monopoly board game instruction manual, they spell out an X-rated sentence.

The original name for the laptop computer was “Hinged Smart Slab.”

The average person inhales 3 pounds of spider webs in his or her lifetime.

When first introduced to the public, plastic laundry baskets cost $75 each.

Winnie the Pooh started out as a non-fiction account of mental illness.

Reading backwards for twenty minutes burns the same amount of calories as walking a half-mile.

The Q in Q-tips stands for “quantum,” as the small bit of cotton on the tip contains more atoms than the entire human body.

Revolving doors were first invented as a way to keep horses out of department stores.

Peru and the moon weigh the same amount.

Human beings and anteaters are the only animals that can snap their fingers.

If you soak a baseball hat in coke, and then let it dry on someone’s head, over a 3-hour period the hat will shrink with skull-denting force, causing intense pain and irreparable damage.

Clouds cannot travel south southwest.

In sign language, there are 72 ways to say “drawbridge.”


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Quotations from Oscar Wilde

There is no such thing as a moral or an immoral book. Books are well written or badly written.

But what is the difference between literature and journalism?
Journalism is unreadable and literature is not read. That is all.

We have really everything in common with America nowadays except, of course, language

America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence without civilization in between.

A pompous speaker who had a great opinion of himself gave a long after-dinner speech. He then made the mistake of turning to his neighbour on the top table, who happened to be Oscar Wilde, and asked, 'How would you have delivered that speech?' Under an assumed name', came the reply from Oscar Wilde.

Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination

There are only two kinds of people who are really fascinating: people who know absolutely everything, and people who know absolutely nothing.

To lose one parent, Mr Worthing, may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness.

We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars

An idea that is not dangerous is unworthy of being called an idea at all. Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time to time that nothing that is worth knowing can be taught

The basis of optimism is sheer terror.

Genius is born - not paid.

If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you.

One can always be kind to people about whom one cares nothing.

The only thing that sustains one through life is the consciousness of the immense inferiority of everybody else and this is a feeling that I have always cultivated.

To get back my youth I would do anything in the world, except take exercise, get up early, or be respectable.

Disobedience, in the eyes of anyone who has read history, is man's original virtue. It is through disobedience and rebellion that progress has been made.

I was working on the proof of one of my poems all the morning, and took out a comma. In the afternoon I put it back again.

There is no sin except stupidity.


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How to Dump a Man


Dear ________,

I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available.

So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition.

Check those that apply...

___Your last name is objectionable.
I can't imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.

___Your first name is objectionable.
It's just not something I can picture myself yelling out in a fit of passion.

___The fact that our dining experiences to date
has left MY wallet a little lighter, and YOUR pants a little tighter!

___Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms by the truckload"
indicates that you may be interested in me for something other than my personality.

___You failed the 20 Question Rule
i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.

___Your constant e-mailing
shows me you have TOO much time on your hands!

___Your legs are skinnier than mine.

___You're too short.
Any son that we produced would inevitably be beaten up repeatedly at recess.

___You're too tall.
I'm developing a chronic neck condition from trying to kiss you.

___I find your inability to fix my car
extraordinarily unappealing.

___The fact that your apartment has been condemned
reveals an inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.

___The phrase "My Mother"
has popped up far too often in conversation.

___You still live with your parents.

___Although I still enjoy the X-Files,
I find your wardrobe of Star Trek uniforms a little disconcerting.

___Your frequent references to your ex-girlfriend
lead me to suspect that you are some sort of psychotic stalker.

___Your ability to belch the alphabet
is not a trait that I am seeking in a long-term partner.

___Your height is out of proportion to your weight.
If you should however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your application.

___Somehow I doubt those condoms I found in your overnight bag were really necessary for a successful
business trip.

___I am out of your league, set your sights lower next time.

Sincerely,


Cruella de Ville


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When It Comes to Sex


Accountants do it with Double Entry

Acupuncturists do it with a small prick

Ambulance drivers come quicker

Australians do it Down Under

Bankers do it with interest

Bartenders do it on the Rocks

Chess players check their Mates

Cops do it with cuffs

DJs do it on request

Deep-sea divers do it under extreme pressure

Dentists do it orally

Detectives do it under cover

Please, don't do it with Bankers; most of them are Tellers!

Engineers do it to specification

Firemen do it with a big hose

Frank Sinatra does it his way

Garbage-men come twice a week

Gardeners do it in the bushes

Gas attendants Pump all day

Jockeys gallop hard and finish fast

Landlords do it every 1st of the month

Mountain Climbers like to be on top

Pianists touch, tickle, and titillate!

Pizza delivery men come in 30 minutes or it's free

Truckers do it on the road

Travel Agents do it in lots of different places

Waiters and waitresses do it for tips

Watch out for tennis players - love means nothing to them!

And Zoologists do it with animals!


Contribution from jlo


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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself
¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

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