Sunday 28th June 2020 - 16:11:36 

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Sunday Morning Musings

-- All men are idiots, and I married their king.

-- Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.

-- I brake for no apparent reason.

-- Time is what keeps everything from happening all at once.

-- Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

-- I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

-- Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.

-- Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.

-- I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

-- Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off NOW.

-- Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

-- Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

-- Puritanism: the haunting fear that someone somewhere may be happy.

-- Consciousness cuts into my napping.

-- Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

-- There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.

-- Keep honking. I'm reloading.

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A Welsh Love Story

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite Welsh cakes wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With laboured breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen.

Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite Welsh cakes.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his Devoted Welsh wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His aged and withered hand trembled towards a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a spatula.

"F**k off" she said, "they're for the funeral."

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There Were These Three Guys Outside of a Bar

There was a black guy, a white guy, and a Chinese guy. They all had been in the bar before and saw this gorgeous women.

Well they made a bet to see who could make the woman scream.

The black guy goes in a comes out and the women is laughing, and then the white guys goes in, well after he comes out she is laughing even harder.

The Chinese guy goes in and a after a few minutes she is screaming bloody murder. Then he comes out, and the other two guys said how did you do that, and the Chinese guy goes "Me Chinese, me play trick, me put hot sauce on my dick!"

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My One Armed Friend

I have a really good buddy called Pete. He lost an arm a few years back in a motorcycle accident. I saw him last Friday and called "Hi Pete where are you going"?

"To change a light-bulb" he replied.

Trying not to be offensive I ventured "Won't that be a little awkward"?

"Not really" he retorted, "I still have the receipt".

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The Tree Hugging Lady

The head Greenie Tree Hugging Lady Activist, who was responsible for getting horses banned from National Parks & State Forests, was climbing a big tree to have a look out over the forestry when a Tawny Frogmouth Owl attacked her for invading its nesting site.

In a panic to make her escape, she slid down the tree, getting many splinters in the crotch of her designer shorts.

In considerable pain she hurried to the nearest Doctor, told him, she was an environmentalist, and how she got all the splinters. The Doctor listened with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her.

She waited for three hours before the Doctor reappeared.

The angry woman demanded: "What took you so long?" He smiled and then told her: "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forestry Service, National Parks and Wildlife Service, Country Fire Authority, and Conservation and Land Management, before I could remove "Old Growth Timber" from a recreational area....... I am sorry but they turned me down."

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Proverbs - According to 6year Olds

Mary taught first grade. She had a class of twenty-five adorable 6yr olds. One day Mary gave each child the first half of a well known proverb and asked them to write in the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. While reading the results, keep in mind that these are only first graders, just 6 years olds.

No news is............................impossible.

Love all, trust....................... me.

An idle mind is........................the best way to relax.

Strike while the.......................bug is close.

Better late than.......................pregnant.

A penny saved is...................... not much.

Don't change horses....................until they stop running.

A miss is as good as a ................... Mr.

Happy is the bride who......................gets all the presents.

Two's company, three's....................... the Musketeers.

Don't bite the hand that...................... looks dirty.

It’s always darkest before......................Daylight Saving Time.

There are none so blind as .................... Stevie Wonder.

Where there's smoke there's ................... pollution.

The pen is mightier than the..................... pigs.

If at first you don't succeed...................... get new batteries.

When the blind lead the blind .................... get out of the way!

Children should be seen and not ..................spanked or grounded.

You can't teach an old dog new .............. ....math.

Don't put off till tomorrow what.................... you put on to go to bed.

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The Time of Reckoning

A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, 'What are all those clocks'?

St. Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move'.

'Oh', said the man. 'Whose clock is that'?

'That's Mother Teresa's', replied St. Peter. 'The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie'.

'Incredible', said the man. 'And whose clock is that one'?

St. Peter responded, 'That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life'.

'Where's Gordon Brown's clock?' asked the man.

St Peter replied, 'Jesus has it in his office. He uses it as a ceiling fan'.

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Two Men Sat at the Bar

Two men at a bar had been enjoying a few drinks for the past couple of hours and were pretty drunk when one of them notices a beautiful woman sitting in the corner.

One says to the other, "jeez, i'd really like to dance with that girl."

The other man replies, "well go ahead and ask her, don't be a chicken shit."

So the man approaches the lovely woman and says, "excuse me. would you be so kind as to dance with me?"

Seeing the man is totally drunk the woman says, "i'm sorry. right now i'm contemplating on matrimony, and i'd rather sit than dance."

So the man humbly returns to his friend "so what did she say?" asks the friend.

The drunk responded, "she said she's constipated on macaroni, and would rather shit in her pants."

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Extracts from Police Car Video Arrests

The following were taken off of actual police car videos around the country.

#15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

#14 "Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

#13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

#12 "Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9mm bullet fired from my gun."

#11 "So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

#10 "Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh .. did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

#9 "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

#8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

#7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey shit!."

#6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

#5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

#4 "Just how big were those two beers?"

#3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

#2 "I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."

and the best one . .

#1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets?
..... You're right, we don't. ... Sign here

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More Amazing but Useless Facts

When placed in warm milk, raisins re-plump into grapes.

The metal backs of iPods are made from recycled zippers.

Eskimos don’t believe in bridges or tunnels.

Every sixteen minutes, someone named Richard dies.

Billy Bob Thornton’s grandfather was the first person to own a television.

Dolphins kill more people annually than sharks and influenza combined.

On a dare, former President Rutherford B. Hayes declared war on Chile for 17 minutes.

The original title for Catcher in the Rye was Hey, Look, a Carousel!

Professionals call the top socket on an electrical outlet the “Martha,” and the bottom socket the “Jasmine.”

In the archives at the Smithsonian Institute in Washington, D.C., there are two identical snowflakes preserved in a freezer.

Three out of every ten nickels has been in someone’s mouth.

If you hold one nostril closed for 72 hours, you will slowly lose the ability to see color. (Your sight will instantly return to normal when you release your nostril.)

Wave a magnet at the lower left corner of a vending machine to receive a free soda.

The glossy paper from the backs of stickers can be used to soothe sunburn.

To be a train conductor, you have to cut off one of your own toes during a loyalty ritual.

The Z in Jay-Z’s name stands for “Zeppidemus.”

Jean shorts were invented three weeks prior to the invention of regular jeans.

Whispering instead of talking on cell phones saves significant battery power.

In Austria, the traditional Christmas colors are not red and greed, but purple and clear.

Benjamin Franklin coined the phrase “Baby Mama” in a satirical poem published in Poor Richard’s Almanac.

If you take the first letter of each word in the Monopoly board game instruction manual, they spell out an X-rated sentence.

The original name for the laptop computer was “Hinged Smart Slab.”

The average person inhales 3 pounds of spider webs in his or her lifetime.

When first introduced to the public, plastic laundry baskets cost $75 each.

Winnie the Pooh started out as a non-fiction account of mental illness.

Reading backwards for twenty minutes burns the same amount of calories as walking a half-mile.

The Q in Q-tips stands for “quantum,” as the small bit of cotton on the tip contains more atoms than the entire human body.

Revolving doors were first invented as a way to keep horses out of department stores.

Peru and the moon weigh the same amount.

Human beings and anteaters are the only animals that can snap their fingers.

If you soak a baseball hat in coke, and then let it dry on someone’s head, over a 3-hour period the hat will shrink with skull-denting force, causing intense pain and irreparable damage.

Clouds cannot travel south southwest.

In sign language, there are 72 ways to say “drawbridge.”

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Old Jokes   121    122    123    124  125  126    127    128    129   Latest

Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself

The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

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