Tuesday 7th July 2020 - 23:33:41 

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After the Oilfield Blowout

After a bad blowout three oilfield workers; a Toollpusher, a Company man, and a Driller; were walking around the rigsite.

As they're walking along the edge of the pad, they saw a naked foot sticking out of a bush. When they investigated, they found the nude body of the young female geologist. Her clothing had been blown off of her body by the explosion.

Out of respect and propriety, the Toolpusher immediately took off his hard hat and placed it over her left breast.

Quickly following suit, the Driller took off his hardhat and placed it over her right breast.

They looked over at the Company man.. After much complaining and grumbling, the Company man placed his hardhat over the young woman's private parts.

The county Medical Examiner showed up to check the body. He lifted the Toolpusher's hardhat and then put it back down and hastily scribbled some notes on his report. Then he lifted the Drillers hardhat and put it back down and took some more notes.

Finally he lifted the Company man's hardhat and set it back down. Hesitating, he bent back over, lifted it up and looked again, then set it down. Still unsure of what to do, he looked a third time underneath the Company man's hardhat.

Annoyed, the Company man asked him, "What's wrong with you? Are you some kind of pervert?''

"Well," said the Medical Examiner, "I am just simply surprised. Normally, when you look under a Company man's hat... you find an asshol_e."

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Different Nations Corporations

SOCIALISM: You have 2 cows. The State nationalizes one and gives it to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away...

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

LEHMAN BROTHERS VENTURE CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at Bear Stearns, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public then buys your bull.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow has dropped dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.

A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A CHINESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity. You add melamine and arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. Both are mad.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. Business seems pretty good. You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION: You have two cows. The one on the left looks very attractive...

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Sunday Morning Musings

-- All men are idiots, and I married their king.

-- Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.

-- I brake for no apparent reason.

-- Time is what keeps everything from happening all at once.

-- Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

-- I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

-- Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.

-- Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.

-- I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

-- Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off NOW.

-- Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

-- Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

-- Puritanism: the haunting fear that someone somewhere may be happy.

-- Consciousness cuts into my napping.

-- Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

-- There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.

-- Keep honking. I'm reloading.

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A Welsh Love Story

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite Welsh cakes wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With laboured breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen.

Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite Welsh cakes.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his Devoted Welsh wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His aged and withered hand trembled towards a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a spatula.

"F**k off" she said, "they're for the funeral."

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There Were These Three Guys Outside of a Bar

There was a black guy, a white guy, and a Chinese guy. They all had been in the bar before and saw this gorgeous women.

Well they made a bet to see who could make the woman scream.

The black guy goes in a comes out and the women is laughing, and then the white guys goes in, well after he comes out she is laughing even harder.

The Chinese guy goes in and a after a few minutes she is screaming bloody murder. Then he comes out, and the other two guys said how did you do that, and the Chinese guy goes "Me Chinese, me play trick, me put hot sauce on my dick!"

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My One Armed Friend

I have a really good buddy called Pete. He lost an arm a few years back in a motorcycle accident. I saw him last Friday and called "Hi Pete where are you going"?

"To change a light-bulb" he replied.

Trying not to be offensive I ventured "Won't that be a little awkward"?

"Not really" he retorted, "I still have the receipt".

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The Tree Hugging Lady

The head Greenie Tree Hugging Lady Activist, who was responsible for getting horses banned from National Parks & State Forests, was climbing a big tree to have a look out over the forestry when a Tawny Frogmouth Owl attacked her for invading its nesting site.

In a panic to make her escape, she slid down the tree, getting many splinters in the crotch of her designer shorts.

In considerable pain she hurried to the nearest Doctor, told him, she was an environmentalist, and how she got all the splinters. The Doctor listened with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her.

She waited for three hours before the Doctor reappeared.

The angry woman demanded: "What took you so long?" He smiled and then told her: "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forestry Service, National Parks and Wildlife Service, Country Fire Authority, and Conservation and Land Management, before I could remove "Old Growth Timber" from a recreational area....... I am sorry but they turned me down."

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Proverbs - According to 6year Olds

Mary taught first grade. She had a class of twenty-five adorable 6yr olds. One day Mary gave each child the first half of a well known proverb and asked them to write in the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. While reading the results, keep in mind that these are only first graders, just 6 years olds.

No news is............................impossible.

Love all, trust....................... me.

An idle mind is........................the best way to relax.

Strike while the.......................bug is close.

Better late than.......................pregnant.

A penny saved is...................... not much.

Don't change horses....................until they stop running.

A miss is as good as a ................... Mr.

Happy is the bride who......................gets all the presents.

Two's company, three's....................... the Musketeers.

Don't bite the hand that...................... looks dirty.

It’s always darkest before......................Daylight Saving Time.

There are none so blind as .................... Stevie Wonder.

Where there's smoke there's ................... pollution.

The pen is mightier than the..................... pigs.

If at first you don't succeed...................... get new batteries.

When the blind lead the blind .................... get out of the way!

Children should be seen and not ..................spanked or grounded.

You can't teach an old dog new .............. ....math.

Don't put off till tomorrow what.................... you put on to go to bed.

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The Time of Reckoning

A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, 'What are all those clocks'?

St. Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move'.

'Oh', said the man. 'Whose clock is that'?

'That's Mother Teresa's', replied St. Peter. 'The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie'.

'Incredible', said the man. 'And whose clock is that one'?

St. Peter responded, 'That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life'.

'Where's Gordon Brown's clock?' asked the man.

St Peter replied, 'Jesus has it in his office. He uses it as a ceiling fan'.

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Two Men Sat at the Bar

Two men at a bar had been enjoying a few drinks for the past couple of hours and were pretty drunk when one of them notices a beautiful woman sitting in the corner.

One says to the other, "jeez, i'd really like to dance with that girl."

The other man replies, "well go ahead and ask her, don't be a chicken shit."

So the man approaches the lovely woman and says, "excuse me. would you be so kind as to dance with me?"

Seeing the man is totally drunk the woman says, "i'm sorry. right now i'm contemplating on matrimony, and i'd rather sit than dance."

So the man humbly returns to his friend "so what did she say?" asks the friend.

The drunk responded, "she said she's constipated on macaroni, and would rather shit in her pants."

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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself

The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

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