Sunday 28th June 2020 - 16:48:47 

Previously On Johns-Jokes

NO Pictures - Just Jokes
Mobile User Friendly

New Stock Market Terms

CEO --Chief Embezzlement Officer.

CFO-- Corporate Fraud Officer.

BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewellery, and the husband gets no sex.

VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

BROKER -- What my broker has made me.

STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.

FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.

CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.

PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use.

Share with friends?

Funny Pictures

Creation of God's Country

It was early Saturday morning, God and St. Peter was sitting talking over an early morning cup of coffee.

St. Peter said "Well God what's on for today"?

"Well Peter " God said, "I have toiled the last five days creating a world full of diversity , climates and people and countries that are at opposite ends of this whole new world and in the last five days I have made mistakes some big, some small, but today is my last day as tomorrow I must rest, but I have taken note of my mistakes and I have learned by them and so today this will be my last project , my last country ,I will mould it to perfection having learned by my past mistakes , I will give it lush green valleys , beautiful towering mountains and ancient woodlands stocked with an abundance of all manner of game and fowl , mountain streams and rivers filled with fish, food a plenty to feed its people and not one predator neither of animal or snake or any beast of the field to endanger its people whom I will endow with the most kindly good nature and with a compassion to their fellow man and with a stature and a handsome appearance most pleasing to the eye, this country I will make perfect".

"What will you call this last piece of work that you have thought about so deeply to perfect" said Peter?

" In the words of their own language which will be Gallic I will call it Albinnach but to the rest of the world it will be known as Scotland", said God.

" Come now " said Peter "you cant do that , every one needs a nemesis to keep them on there toes every one needs a bit of imperfection to remind them that you are the one almighty".

After some thought God turned to St.Peter and said "Ok, Ok, you are right, so to keep them on their toes
I will stick them with neighbours that will annoy the shit out of them for the rest of eternity".

Share with friends?

Funny Pictures

After the Oilfield Blowout

After a bad blowout three oilfield workers; a Toollpusher, a Company man, and a Driller; were walking around the rigsite.

As they're walking along the edge of the pad, they saw a naked foot sticking out of a bush. When they investigated, they found the nude body of the young female geologist. Her clothing had been blown off of her body by the explosion.

Out of respect and propriety, the Toolpusher immediately took off his hard hat and placed it over her left breast.

Quickly following suit, the Driller took off his hardhat and placed it over her right breast.

They looked over at the Company man.. After much complaining and grumbling, the Company man placed his hardhat over the young woman's private parts.

The county Medical Examiner showed up to check the body. He lifted the Toolpusher's hardhat and then put it back down and hastily scribbled some notes on his report. Then he lifted the Drillers hardhat and put it back down and took some more notes.

Finally he lifted the Company man's hardhat and set it back down. Hesitating, he bent back over, lifted it up and looked again, then set it down. Still unsure of what to do, he looked a third time underneath the Company man's hardhat.

Annoyed, the Company man asked him, "What's wrong with you? Are you some kind of pervert?''

"Well," said the Medical Examiner, "I am just simply surprised. Normally, when you look under a Company man's hat... you find an asshol_e."

Share with friends?

Funny Pictures

Different Nations Corporations

SOCIALISM: You have 2 cows. The State nationalizes one and gives it to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away...

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

LEHMAN BROTHERS VENTURE CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at Bear Stearns, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public then buys your bull.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow has dropped dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.

A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A CHINESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity. You add melamine and arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. Both are mad.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. Business seems pretty good. You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION: You have two cows. The one on the left looks very attractive...

Share with friends?

Funny Pictures

Sunday Morning Musings

-- All men are idiots, and I married their king.

-- Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.

-- I brake for no apparent reason.

-- Time is what keeps everything from happening all at once.

-- Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

-- I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

-- Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.

-- Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.

-- I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

-- Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off NOW.

-- Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

-- Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

-- Puritanism: the haunting fear that someone somewhere may be happy.

-- Consciousness cuts into my napping.

-- Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

-- There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.

-- Keep honking. I'm reloading.

Share with friends?

Funny Pictures

A Welsh Love Story

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite Welsh cakes wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With laboured breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen.

Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite Welsh cakes.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his Devoted Welsh wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His aged and withered hand trembled towards a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a spatula.

"F**k off" she said, "they're for the funeral."

Share with friends?

Funny Pictures

There Were These Three Guys Outside of a Bar

There was a black guy, a white guy, and a Chinese guy. They all had been in the bar before and saw this gorgeous women.

Well they made a bet to see who could make the woman scream.

The black guy goes in a comes out and the women is laughing, and then the white guys goes in, well after he comes out she is laughing even harder.

The Chinese guy goes in and a after a few minutes she is screaming bloody murder. Then he comes out, and the other two guys said how did you do that, and the Chinese guy goes "Me Chinese, me play trick, me put hot sauce on my dick!"

Share with friends?

Funny Pictures

My One Armed Friend

I have a really good buddy called Pete. He lost an arm a few years back in a motorcycle accident. I saw him last Friday and called "Hi Pete where are you going"?

"To change a light-bulb" he replied.

Trying not to be offensive I ventured "Won't that be a little awkward"?

"Not really" he retorted, "I still have the receipt".

Share with friends?

Funny Pictures

The Tree Hugging Lady

The head Greenie Tree Hugging Lady Activist, who was responsible for getting horses banned from National Parks & State Forests, was climbing a big tree to have a look out over the forestry when a Tawny Frogmouth Owl attacked her for invading its nesting site.

In a panic to make her escape, she slid down the tree, getting many splinters in the crotch of her designer shorts.

In considerable pain she hurried to the nearest Doctor, told him, she was an environmentalist, and how she got all the splinters. The Doctor listened with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her.

She waited for three hours before the Doctor reappeared.

The angry woman demanded: "What took you so long?" He smiled and then told her: "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forestry Service, National Parks and Wildlife Service, Country Fire Authority, and Conservation and Land Management, before I could remove "Old Growth Timber" from a recreational area....... I am sorry but they turned me down."

Share with friends?

Funny Pictures

Proverbs - According to 6year Olds

Mary taught first grade. She had a class of twenty-five adorable 6yr olds. One day Mary gave each child the first half of a well known proverb and asked them to write in the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. While reading the results, keep in mind that these are only first graders, just 6 years olds.

No news is............................impossible.

Love all, trust....................... me.

An idle mind is........................the best way to relax.

Strike while the.......................bug is close.

Better late than.......................pregnant.

A penny saved is...................... not much.

Don't change horses....................until they stop running.

A miss is as good as a ................... Mr.

Happy is the bride who......................gets all the presents.

Two's company, three's....................... the Musketeers.

Don't bite the hand that...................... looks dirty.

It’s always darkest before......................Daylight Saving Time.

There are none so blind as .................... Stevie Wonder.

Where there's smoke there's ................... pollution.

The pen is mightier than the..................... pigs.

If at first you don't succeed...................... get new batteries.

When the blind lead the blind .................... get out of the way!

Children should be seen and not ..................spanked or grounded.

You can't teach an old dog new .............. ....math.

Don't put off till tomorrow what.................... you put on to go to bed.

Share with friends?

Funny Pictures

Old Jokes   121    122    123    124  125  126    127    128    129   Latest

Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself

The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

Fuelled by: CodeIgniter - ver: 3.1.9  Debug: / 836,432Mb / 16:48:47 / 200 / No Errors