Thursday 16th August 2018 - 07:58:43 

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A Big-city Lawyer...

was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.

The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.

The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.

After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you"!

The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning".


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Old and Best Joke from Ancient Rome


The best joke on the list is this one from ancient Rome about Emperor Agustus:

The emperor is touring the realm and comes across a man who looks just like himself. Amazed, Augustus stops and asks if the man's mother was ever employeed in the Imperial Palace.

"No, your highness," replies the man. "But my father was".


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Beer in the Eyes of Babes

A handful of 7 year old children were asked "What they thought of beer". Some interesting responses, but the last one is especially touching.

"I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer he drinks the prettier my mom gets."
--Tim, 7 years old

"Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we want on television when he is asleep, so beer is nice."
--Melanie, 7 years old

"My Mom and Dad both like beer. My Mom gets funny when she drinks it and takes her top off at parties, but Dad doesn't think this is very funny."
--Grady, 7 years old

"'My Mom and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and the more they drink the more they give kisses to each other, which is a good thing."
--Toby, 7 years old

"My Dad gets funny on beer. He is funny. He also wets his pants sometimes, so he shouldn't have too much.
--Sarah, 7 years old

"My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks, the better he dances. One time he danced right into the pool."
--Lilly, 7 years old

"I don't like beer very much. Every time Dad drinks it, he burns the sausages on the barbecue and they taste disgusting."
--Ethan, 7 years old

"I give Dad's beer to the dog and he goes to sleep. "
--Shirley, 7 years old

"My Mom drinks beer and she says silly things and picks on my father. Whenever she drinks beer she yells at Dad and tells him to go bury his bone down the street again, but that doesn't make any sense."
--Jack, 7 years old


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New Stock Market Terms

CEO --Chief Embezzlement Officer.

CFO-- Corporate Fraud Officer.

BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewellery, and the husband gets no sex.

VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

BROKER -- What my broker has made me.

STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.

FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.

CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.

PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use.


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Creation of God's Country

It was early Saturday morning, God and St. Peter was sitting talking over an early morning cup of coffee.

St. Peter said "Well God what's on for today"?

"Well Peter " God said, "I have toiled the last five days creating a world full of diversity , climates and people and countries that are at opposite ends of this whole new world and in the last five days I have made mistakes some big, some small, but today is my last day as tomorrow I must rest, but I have taken note of my mistakes and I have learned by them and so today this will be my last project , my last country ,I will mould it to perfection having learned by my past mistakes , I will give it lush green valleys , beautiful towering mountains and ancient woodlands stocked with an abundance of all manner of game and fowl , mountain streams and rivers filled with fish, food a plenty to feed its people and not one predator neither of animal or snake or any beast of the field to endanger its people whom I will endow with the most kindly good nature and with a compassion to their fellow man and with a stature and a handsome appearance most pleasing to the eye, this country I will make perfect".

"What will you call this last piece of work that you have thought about so deeply to perfect" said Peter?

" In the words of their own language which will be Gallic I will call it Albinnach but to the rest of the world it will be known as Scotland", said God.

" Come now " said Peter "you cant do that , every one needs a nemesis to keep them on there toes every one needs a bit of imperfection to remind them that you are the one almighty".

After some thought God turned to St.Peter and said "Ok, Ok, you are right, so to keep them on their toes
............................................................................
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................................................................................
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I will stick them with neighbours that will annoy the shit out of them for the rest of eternity".


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After the Oilfield Blowout

After a bad blowout three oilfield workers; a Toollpusher, a Company man, and a Driller; were walking around the rigsite.

As they're walking along the edge of the pad, they saw a naked foot sticking out of a bush. When they investigated, they found the nude body of the young female geologist. Her clothing had been blown off of her body by the explosion.

Out of respect and propriety, the Toolpusher immediately took off his hard hat and placed it over her left breast.

Quickly following suit, the Driller took off his hardhat and placed it over her right breast.

They looked over at the Company man.. After much complaining and grumbling, the Company man placed his hardhat over the young woman's private parts.


The county Medical Examiner showed up to check the body. He lifted the Toolpusher's hardhat and then put it back down and hastily scribbled some notes on his report. Then he lifted the Drillers hardhat and put it back down and took some more notes.

Finally he lifted the Company man's hardhat and set it back down. Hesitating, he bent back over, lifted it up and looked again, then set it down. Still unsure of what to do, he looked a third time underneath the Company man's hardhat.

Annoyed, the Company man asked him, "What's wrong with you? Are you some kind of pervert?''

"Well," said the Medical Examiner, "I am just simply surprised. Normally, when you look under a Company man's hat... you find an asshol_e."



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Different Nations Corporations


SOCIALISM: You have 2 cows. The State nationalizes one and gives it to your neighbour.


COMMUNISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk.


FASCISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk.


NAZISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and shoots you.


BUREAUCRATISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away...


TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.


SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.


LEHMAN BROTHERS VENTURE CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at Bear Stearns, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public then buys your bull.


AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow has dropped dead.


A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.


A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.


A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.


AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You decide to have lunch.


A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.


A CHINESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity. You add melamine and arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.


AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship them.


A BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. Both are mad.


AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. Business seems pretty good. You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.


A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION: You have two cows. The one on the left looks very attractive...


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Sunday Morning Musings


-- All men are idiots, and I married their king.

-- Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.

-- I brake for no apparent reason.

-- Time is what keeps everything from happening all at once.

-- Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

-- I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

-- Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.

-- Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.

-- I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

-- Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off NOW.

-- Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

-- Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

-- Puritanism: the haunting fear that someone somewhere may be happy.

-- Consciousness cuts into my napping.

-- Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

-- There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.

-- Keep honking. I'm reloading.


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A Welsh Love Story


An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite Welsh cakes wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With laboured breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen.

Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite Welsh cakes.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his Devoted Welsh wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His aged and withered hand trembled towards a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a spatula.

"F**k off" she said, "they're for the funeral."


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There Were These Three Guys Outside of a Bar


There was a black guy, a white guy, and a Chinese guy. They all had been in the bar before and saw this gorgeous women.

Well they made a bet to see who could make the woman scream.

The black guy goes in a comes out and the women is laughing, and then the white guys goes in, well after he comes out she is laughing even harder.

The Chinese guy goes in and a after a few minutes she is screaming bloody murder. Then he comes out, and the other two guys said how did you do that, and the Chinese guy goes "Me Chinese, me play trick, me put hot sauce on my dick!"


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This can save your bacon

¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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