Tuesday 30th June 2020 - 12:21:53 

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Paddy Was Walking Through...

a town one day when he say a shop with a notice in the window. The notice said "We sell everything". Paddy could not believe this so he went inside. He walked to the counter and asked the salesperson, "Do you really sell everything?" The salesperson said "Yes, everything".

Thinking this was too good to be true Paddy said "OK then could I have a jumper for a chicken?". The salesperson said "A jumper for a chicken?, hold on I will have to check the stock out the back". Five minutes later, the salesperson returned with a brown paper bag. "Here you go, one jumper for a chicken".

"How much" asked Paddy?

"Three quid." replied the salesperson.

"Three quid for a jumper for a chicken - excellent." said Paddy. So away he went as happy as larry. When he got outside he thought to himself that maybe he was done, so he looked inside the bag. At the bottom of the bag was a condom.

He was mad and stormed back into the shop. He screamed at the saleperson "Hey, I asked you for a jumper for a chicken and you have given me a condom - whats going on"?

The salesperson replied, "Sorry mate, I checked in the back and we seem to be all out of jumpers for chickens, all we had was a pullover for a cock".

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The Police Recruit Interview Question

A new recruit police officer had almost finished his interview, and the interviewer asked him the last question which was:

"You are on duty. A car crashes in the middle of the road with two people inside the car, the two people are critically injured and the car is badly damaged.

The ambulance arrives, but it is going too fast and crashes into the damaged car. The car blows up and causes the ambulance to flip on its side.

A passer-by, while walking on the sidewalk is toppled, by the force of the explosion, into the river beside the road. Unfortunately he cannot swim and is drowning in the river.

Another man runs out of a house screaming, and shouts that his wife is pregnant and about to have her baby any second now.

"What would you do in this situation", the interviewer asked?

The recruit looks around the office and thinks for a while... he replies, "I'd take off my uniform and act like I am part of the crowd"!

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Aviation Testing the Strength of an Airplane Windshield

Flight Aviation Administration (FAA) has a unique device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes.

The device is a gun that launches a dead chicken at a plane's windshield at approximately the speed the plane flies.The theory is that if the windshield doesn't crack from the carcass impact, it'll survive a real collision with a bird during flight.

It seems the British were very interested in this and wanted to test a windshield on a brand new, speedy locomotive they're developing.They borrowed the FAA's chicken launcher, loaded the chicken and fired.

The ballistic chicken shattered the windshield, went through the engineer's chair, broke an instrument panel and embedded itself in the back wall of the engine cab.

The British were stunned and asked the FAA to recheck the test to see if everything was done correctly.

The FAA reviewed the test thoroughly and had one recommendation: "Use a thawed chicken".

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This Guy and his Newlywed Wife...

go to the Hilton for their honeymoon night. At the front desk, they check in, and the receptionist gives the groom the key to the bridal suite. Just then he says to the groom, "Sir, It is now 6 o" clock, dinner will be served from 7:30 onwards".

The groom looks at him and says, "Thank you, but we won’t be needing any" and off he and his bride go to the room.

The whole evening the people next door the bridal suite are phoning down to the main desk to complain about all the moaning, which doesn’t stop for one minute the whole night.

Next morning at 6am, the groom phones down to room service. "Hi, could I get some breakfast brought up here"?

"Sure, what would you like?" asks room service. The groom says, "Well, I have to replace all the energy I lost last night so you’d better get me 6 fried eggs, 9 sausages, 12 slices of toast and 6 liters of orange juice!"

Room service replies, "Gee, that’s quite an appetite you got there. Is that for your wife as well, or just for you?"

"No, that’s just for me. Can you send up six pieces of lettuce for my wife as well"?

Room service asks, "Why six pieces of lettuce"?

The groom replies, "I have to see if she can EAT like a rabbit as well"!!

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A Big-city Lawyer...

was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.

The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.

The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.

After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you"!

The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning".

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Old and Best Joke from Ancient Rome

The best joke on the list is this one from ancient Rome about Emperor Agustus:

The emperor is touring the realm and comes across a man who looks just like himself. Amazed, Augustus stops and asks if the man's mother was ever employeed in the Imperial Palace.

"No, your highness," replies the man. "But my father was".

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Beer in the Eyes of Babes

A handful of 7 year old children were asked "What they thought of beer". Some interesting responses, but the last one is especially touching.

"I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer he drinks the prettier my mom gets."
--Tim, 7 years old

"Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we want on television when he is asleep, so beer is nice."
--Melanie, 7 years old

"My Mom and Dad both like beer. My Mom gets funny when she drinks it and takes her top off at parties, but Dad doesn't think this is very funny."
--Grady, 7 years old

"'My Mom and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and the more they drink the more they give kisses to each other, which is a good thing."
--Toby, 7 years old

"My Dad gets funny on beer. He is funny. He also wets his pants sometimes, so he shouldn't have too much.
--Sarah, 7 years old

"My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks, the better he dances. One time he danced right into the pool."
--Lilly, 7 years old

"I don't like beer very much. Every time Dad drinks it, he burns the sausages on the barbecue and they taste disgusting."
--Ethan, 7 years old

"I give Dad's beer to the dog and he goes to sleep. "
--Shirley, 7 years old

"My Mom drinks beer and she says silly things and picks on my father. Whenever she drinks beer she yells at Dad and tells him to go bury his bone down the street again, but that doesn't make any sense."
--Jack, 7 years old

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New Stock Market Terms

CEO --Chief Embezzlement Officer.

CFO-- Corporate Fraud Officer.

BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewellery, and the husband gets no sex.

VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

BROKER -- What my broker has made me.

STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.

FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.

CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.

PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use.

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Creation of God's Country

It was early Saturday morning, God and St. Peter was sitting talking over an early morning cup of coffee.

St. Peter said "Well God what's on for today"?

"Well Peter " God said, "I have toiled the last five days creating a world full of diversity , climates and people and countries that are at opposite ends of this whole new world and in the last five days I have made mistakes some big, some small, but today is my last day as tomorrow I must rest, but I have taken note of my mistakes and I have learned by them and so today this will be my last project , my last country ,I will mould it to perfection having learned by my past mistakes , I will give it lush green valleys , beautiful towering mountains and ancient woodlands stocked with an abundance of all manner of game and fowl , mountain streams and rivers filled with fish, food a plenty to feed its people and not one predator neither of animal or snake or any beast of the field to endanger its people whom I will endow with the most kindly good nature and with a compassion to their fellow man and with a stature and a handsome appearance most pleasing to the eye, this country I will make perfect".

"What will you call this last piece of work that you have thought about so deeply to perfect" said Peter?

" In the words of their own language which will be Gallic I will call it Albinnach but to the rest of the world it will be known as Scotland", said God.

" Come now " said Peter "you cant do that , every one needs a nemesis to keep them on there toes every one needs a bit of imperfection to remind them that you are the one almighty".

After some thought God turned to St.Peter and said "Ok, Ok, you are right, so to keep them on their toes
I will stick them with neighbours that will annoy the shit out of them for the rest of eternity".

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After the Oilfield Blowout

After a bad blowout three oilfield workers; a Toollpusher, a Company man, and a Driller; were walking around the rigsite.

As they're walking along the edge of the pad, they saw a naked foot sticking out of a bush. When they investigated, they found the nude body of the young female geologist. Her clothing had been blown off of her body by the explosion.

Out of respect and propriety, the Toolpusher immediately took off his hard hat and placed it over her left breast.

Quickly following suit, the Driller took off his hardhat and placed it over her right breast.

They looked over at the Company man.. After much complaining and grumbling, the Company man placed his hardhat over the young woman's private parts.

The county Medical Examiner showed up to check the body. He lifted the Toolpusher's hardhat and then put it back down and hastily scribbled some notes on his report. Then he lifted the Drillers hardhat and put it back down and took some more notes.

Finally he lifted the Company man's hardhat and set it back down. Hesitating, he bent back over, lifted it up and looked again, then set it down. Still unsure of what to do, he looked a third time underneath the Company man's hardhat.

Annoyed, the Company man asked him, "What's wrong with you? Are you some kind of pervert?''

"Well," said the Medical Examiner, "I am just simply surprised. Normally, when you look under a Company man's hat... you find an asshol_e."

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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself

The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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