Previously On Johns-Jokes
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The Sales Contest
A small company was on the edge of bankruptcy. The owner summoned his two-man sales force into his office."Things aren't going too well, guys," he announced grimly.
"So to perk up sales I'm announcing a contest. The guy with the most sales gets a blow job."
"What does the loser get?" asked one of the salesmen.
The owner looked at both men and said, "The loser gets to give it."
The Family Way
Aimara, a *?*?*?*? maid announced to her Boss Mr Blanco and his wife that she was quitting. When asked why, she replied, "I'm in the family way."The wife was totally surprised and shocked, and asked who the father could be.
The maid replied, "Your husband and your son."
Mrs. Blanco was mortified and demanded an explanation.
"Well," Aimara explained, "I go to the library to clean it and your husband say, 'You are in the way'. I go to the living room to clean and your son say 'You are in my way'. So I'm in the family way and I quit."
Good Manners and Etiquette
During a good manners and etiquette class, the teacher says to her students, "If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family, and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?"
Mike replies, "Wait a minute, I'm going to take a piss."
The teacher says, "That would be very rude and improper on your part."
Johnny replied, "Sorry, but I need to go to the toilet. I'll be back in a minute."
The teacher says, "That's much better but to mention the word 'toilet' during a meal, is unpleasant."
So Charlie says, "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go shake hands with a personal friend whom I hope to be able to introduce you to after dinner."
The teacher passed out.
English is a Crazy Language.
For Those who Reed and RightWe'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes;
but the plural of ox became oxen not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice;
yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.
If the plural of man is always called men,
why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
If I spoke of my foot and show you my feet,
and I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?
Then one may be that, and three would be those,
yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
and the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
but though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
but imagine the feminine, she, shis and shim.
Let's face! it! - English is a crazy language.
A Woman Was Driving into a Small Town
This woman is driving into a small town and slams on the brakes as a coyote runs across the road in front of her. Just as she regains her wits and gets ready to proceed, a cowboy runs right in front of her and catches the coyote by the hind legs and starts screwing it.
She screams and drives into town to find the local law.
She sees the local sheriff's car parked in front of the town bar. "It figures," she says as she storms inside. The first thing she notices is an old, old man with a long white beard sitting in the corner jacking-off. She runs up to the sheriff who's sitting at the bar with his drink.
"What kind of sick town are you running here? I drive into town and almost run over some cowboy sodomizing an animal... and then... I come in here.... and see this old man in the corner abusing himself in public!"
"Well, ma'am," the sheriff slowly replies, "you don't expect him to catch a coyote at his age, do ya"?
Wishful Thinking
Two gay men are beach walking, holding hands when a beautiful woman passes them. She's 5'10", 120 lbs, 38-24-36, wearing a string bikini with no tan lines.The first gay man turns to his friend, sighs audibly and in a breathless whisper says, "It's women like her that sometimes make me wish I was a lesbian."
The Flatmate
A young man called Peter invited his mother for dinner. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how handsome Peter's flatmate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Peter and his flatmate than met the eye. Reading his mum's thoughts, Peter volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Simon and I are just flatmates".About a week later, Simon came to Peter saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the frying pan, you don't suppose she took it do you?"
"Well, I doubt it, but I'll e-mail her just to be sure," said Peter, so he sat down and wrote:
Dear Mother,
I'm not saying that you "did" take the frying pan from my house, I'm not saying that you "did not" take the frying pan, but the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love Peter.
Several days later, Peter received an e-mail from his mother which read:
Dear son,
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Simon, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with Simon, but the fact remains that if he was sleeping in his own bed, he would have found the frying pan by now.
Love mum x
"The moral of this story is:"
Don't ever lie to your mother
A Married Couple in Their Early 60s
A married couple in their early 60s were out celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.""Ooh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband" said the wife. The fairy moved her
magic stick and - abracadabra! - two tickets for the new QM2 luxury liner appeared in her hands.
Now it was the husband's turn. He thought for a moment and said: "Well this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this only occurs once in a lifetime, so, I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me".
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed; but a wish is a wish. So the fairy made a circle with her magic stick and -abracadabra! - the husband became 92 years old.
The moral of this story..... Men might be ungrateful idiots....But fairies are......females
One Liners Version: 001
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."
I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.
There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and shithead's.
I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
Little Johnny Gets Advice from His Father
"My teacher is really giving me a tuff time" Little Johnny was telling his father."Handle it this way Johnny," his father advised. "Take special care with your personal appearance and attire, pay attention in class and do your assignments and homework promptly."
"I really don't think that'll help Dad," Johnny sighed. "She hissed at me during study break that she's 3 weeks overdue."