Friday 30th October 2020 - 13:13:50 

Previously On Johns-Jokes

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Small Boy Wrote to Santa Claus

Small Boy wrote to Santa Claus," send me a brother".

Santa wrote back, "SEND ME YOUR MOTHER".

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Two Marines Were Sitting Around Talking One Day.

The first Marine asked the second Marine, "if they were to drop a bomb right now, what would be the first thing you would do"?

The second Marine said, "I would screw the first thing that moved. What would you do"?

The first Marine replied, "I would stand very still for half an hour".

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I Got a Phone Call Today.

An angry female voice started shouting, "you daft tw*t, you said it would be fine not to use a condom.

Well, now I'm pregnant. I hope you're f$@%king happy"!

I calmly replied, "it's okay love, we can work this out. Who's calling"?

After a couple of moments silence, "it's your wife".

I guess I'll be making my own dinner tonight.

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The Student Proctologist and Country Music

A student wants to be a proctologist, and he wants to be a really good proctologist, so he gets a part-time job down at the morgue after class so he can practice a little.

He uncovers the first guy and there is a cork in his butt! He thinks it's a little strange, so he pulls the cork out jumps back when music suddenly starts playing!

"...On the road again, just can't wait to get on the road again..."

The guy really freaks out! He runs and gets the doctor and drags the poor guy back to the table. "Look" he says and pulls the cork out again, "!

"... On the road again .. . "

The doctor is totally unimpressed... "So what?" he says.

"Isn't that the most amazing thing you've ever seen" the student asked?

"Are you kidding?" says the doctor. "Any asshole can sing country music"!

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Why Did the Computer Chicken Cross the Road?

Apple Chicken
No need to cross the road, let’s make the other side come this way. Think Different.

Assembler Chicken:
First, it builds the road ......

C Chicken:
It crosses the road without looking both ways.

C++ Chicken:
The chicken wouldn't have to cross the road, you' d simply refer to him on the other side.

COBOL Chicken:

Version: 001:
It didn’t, the other side was PHP5 only

Version: 002:
The CI chicken crossed the road only after it completed a new “road validation” class with functions to determine the distance and speed of any existing traffic both PHP5-bound and PHP4-bound.
It then solidly beat CakeChicken in every benchmark.
Of course, all the other framework chickens that could only validate for PHP5-bound traffic became PHP4-bound roadkill.
Thus, the CI chicken is now able to cross all PHP roads, whereas many other PHP based chickens can only cross the NEWER built PHP5 roads.
Discussion: CodeIgniter:

Cray Chicken:
Crosses faster than any other chicken, but if you don't dip it in liquid nitrogen first, it arrives on the other side frazzled.

Delphi Chicken:
The chicken is dragged across the road and dropped on the other side.

Gopher Chicken:
Tried to run but got beaten by the Web chicken.

Intel Pentium Chicken:
The chicken crossed 4.9999978 times.

Internet Explorer 5.5 chicken:
The cross_road property is not supported in this version. Please use the tunnel_under property as a temporary work-around if you absolutely must move the chicken to the other side of the road. You must provide your own _spoon subclass for the tunneling protocol.

Internet Explorer 6 Chicken:
“Error 404, Road can not be found”

Iomega Chicken:
The chicken should have 'backed up' before crossing.

Java Chicken:
If your road needs to be crossed by a chicken, then the server will download one to the other side. (Of course, those are chicklets.)

Linux Chicken:
Don't you *dare* try to cross the road the same way we do!
sudo -crossroad root/country/road/local_road/

Mac Chicken:
No reasonable chicken owner would want a chicken to cross the road, so there's no way to tell it how to cross the road.

Machine language:
01110100 01101111 00100000 01100111 01100101 01110100 00100000 01110100
01101111 00100000 01110100 01101000 01100101 00100000 01101111 01110100
01101000 01100101 01110010 00100000 01110011 01101001 01100100 01100101

Microsoft Chicken:
Before crossing the road, please make sure you have the latest updates for both windows and your Anti virus. Also make sure that you have Silverlight installed.

Newton Chicken:
Can't cluck, can't fly, and can't lay eggs, but you can carry it across the road in your pocket.

OOP Chicken:
It doesn't need to cross the road, it just sends a message.

OS/2 Chicken:
It crossed the road in style years ago, but it was so quiet that nobody noticed.

Microsoft's Chicken:
It's already on both sides of the road. What's more its just bought the road.

Windows 95 Chicken:
You see different coloured feathers while it crosses, but when you cook it still tastes like........ chicken.

Quantum Logic Chicken:
The chicken is distributed probabilistically on all sides of the road until you observe it on the side of your choice.

VB Chicken:
USHighways! <TheRoad.cross> (aChicken)

XP Chicken Jumps out onto the road, turns right, and just keeps on running.

The Longhorn Chicken had an identity crisis and is now calling itself Vista.

The Vista Chicken dazzled itself with its own graphics.

The Vesta Chicken was eaten by my old friend 'Mad Mick'

Xbox 360 Chicken
You can cross the road, but it will cost you 800 microsoft points.

Xbox 360 Chicken 2
Achievement unlocked: “You crossed the road”

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Not Paying for a Drink

The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, "What'll you have"?

The guy answers, "A scotch, please." The bartender hands him the drink, and says "That'll be five dollars".

The guy replies, "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this".

A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration".

The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again".

The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, "What the heck are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back"!

The guy says, "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life"! The bartender replies, "I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double".

To which the guy replies, "Thank you. Make it a scotch".

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The Preacher Went to Play Golf Instead...

A preacher woke up one Sunday morning and looked outside and saw it was a beautiful day. He decided to skip church and go play golf. So he called the junior pastor at his church and told him he was sick and couldn't give the sermon. The junior pastor told him not to worry, he would deliver the sermon.

The pastor drove about 40 miles away from town to avoid being spotted. As he was setting up his first drive on the first hole, Jesus leaned over to God in heaven and asked him, "Are You going to let him get away with this"?

God told Jesus not to worry, he would handle it. Right as God said that, the preacher hit the drive of his life. The ball traveled all 450 feet to the green, bounced once, and rolled in the hole. The preacher was ecstatic.

Jesus asked God,"Why would you let him do that"?

God said, "Because, who is he gonna tell"?

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Food Shortage

A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world"?

The survey was a huge failure...

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.

In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.

In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.

In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.

And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

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New Knob Face Lift Procedure

A woman visited a plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure called ‘The Knob,’ where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman’s head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effect of a brand new face-lift. Of course, the woman wanted ‘The Knob.’

Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.

‘All these years, everything has been working just fine. I’ve had to turn the knob many times and I’ve always loved the results.. But now I’ve developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won’t get rid of them’.

The doctor looked at her closely and said, ‘Those e aren’t bags, those are your breasts’.

She said, ‘Well, I guess there’s no point in asking about the goatee’.

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Adam Got Caught Speeding Yesterday.

The policeman asked him to step out of the car and walk in a straight line.

Half way down he stopped adam and said, "I'm sorry sir, but you'll have to come back to the station with me as you're staggering".

Adam replied, "Oohh, you little tiger, you're not so bad looking yourself".

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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself

The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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