Wednesday 4th November 2020 - 20:35:20 

Previously On Johns-Jokes

NO Pictures - Just Jokes
Mobile User Friendly

Computer Quotes

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Emo Philips

Bill Gates is the pope of the personal computer industry. He decides who's going to build.
Larry Ellison

Computer science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes.
Edsger Dijkstra

Computers are magnificent tools for the realization of our dreams, but no machine can replace the human spark of spirit, compassion, love, and understanding.
Louis Gerstner

Computers are useless. They can only give you answers.
Pablo Picasso

Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.
Andy Rooney

Computing is not about computers any more. It is about living.
Nicholas Negroponte

Data is not information, information is not knowledge, knowledge is not understanding, understanding is not wisdom.
Clifford Stoll

Home computers are being called upon to perform many new functions, including the consumption of homework formerly eaten by the dog.
Doug Larson

I am not the only person who uses his computer mainly for the purpose of diddling with his computer.
Dave Barry

I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.
Isaac Asimov

I think computer viruses should count as life. I think it says something about human nature that the only form of life we have created so far is purely destructive. We've created life in our own image.
Stephen Hawking

I think it's fair to say that personal computers have become the most empowering tool we've ever created. They're tools of communication, they're tools of creativity, and they can be shaped by their user.
Bill Gates

Never trust a computer you can't throw out a window.
Steve Wozniak

Part of the inhumanity of the computer is that, once it is competently programmed and working smoothly, it is completely honest.
Isaac Asimov

People think computers will keep them from making mistakes. They're wrong. With computers you make mistakes faster.
Adam Osborne

Supercomputers will achieve one human brain capacity by 2010, and personal computers will do so by about 2020.
Ray Kurzweil

The computer is a moron.
Peter Drucker

The digital revolution is far more significant than the invention of writing or even of printing.
Douglas Engelbart

The good news about computers is that they do what you tell them to do. The bad news is that they do what you tell them to do.
Ted Nelson

The Internet is not just one thing, it's a collection of things - of numerous communications networks that all speak the same digital language.
Jim Clark

The real danger is not that computers will begin to think like men, but that men will begin to think like computers.
Sydney J. Harris

Think? Why think! We have computers to do that for us.
Jean Rostand

To err is human - and to blame it on a computer is even more so.
Robert Orben

Treat your password like your toothbrush. Don't let anybody else use it, and get a new one every six months.
Clifford Stoll

What do we want our kids to do? Sweep up around Japanese computers?
Walter F. Mondale

Why is it drug addicts and computer afficionados are both called users?
Clifford Stoll

Share with friends?

Funny Pictures

The New Doctor

The old rancher took his wife to town to see the new doctor.

He waited for her by the hitch rail while he shot the breeze with some other old timers. After a few minutes, he heard his wife scream, then she slammed through the door and nearly knocked him down. Finally, he calmed her enough to learn of her problem.

After listening to her story, he helped her into the buckboard to wait for him while he settled things with this new upstart. He hitched his gun belt in place and marched in to confront the doctor.

"What the hell's wrong with you?" the rancher demanded of the doctor. "My wife is 63 years old. We have five grown children and eleven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant"?

The new doctor raised his eyebrows and asked, "Does she still have the hiccups"?

Share with friends?

Funny Pictures

Chatting Up on the Beach

A widowed Jewish lady was sunbathing on a beach at Ft. Myers Florida . She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand next to hers and began reading a book.

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. 'Hello, sir, how are you today?

'Fine, thank you,' he responded, and turned back to his book.

'I love the beach. Do you come here often?' she asked 'First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago,' he replied and turned back to his book.

'I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away 3 years ago and it is very lonely' she countered. Do you live around here?' she asked.

'Yes, I live over in Cape Coral , 'he answered' and again resumed reading.

Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted, 'Do you like pussy cats'?

With that, the man dropped his book, jumped off his blanket and on to her, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate ride of her life!

When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man, 'How did you know that was what I wanted'?

The man replied, 'How did you know my name was Katz'?

Share with friends?

Funny Pictures

A Little Old Lady with a Farting Problem

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. It never smells and is always silent. As a matter of fact I've farted at least 10 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because it doesn't smell and is silent".

The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week".

The next week the lady returns.

"Doctor", she says, "I don't know what the heck you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, stink terribly".

"Good," the doctor said. "Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing".

Share with friends?

Funny Pictures

The Present from France

A woman goes to France to attend a 2-week, company training session.

Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.

The wife answers, “Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?”

The husband laughs and says, “A French girl!”

The woman kept quiet and left.

Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks “So, honey, how was the trip?”

“Very good, thank you”.

“And, what happened to my present?”

“Which present?”

“What I asked for…. the French girl?

“Oh, that? Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait a few months to see if it is a girl…”

Share with friends?

Funny Pictures

Small Boy Wrote to Santa Claus

Small Boy wrote to Santa Claus," send me a brother".

Santa wrote back, "SEND ME YOUR MOTHER".

Share with friends?

Funny Pictures

Two Marines Were Sitting Around Talking One Day.

The first Marine asked the second Marine, "if they were to drop a bomb right now, what would be the first thing you would do"?

The second Marine said, "I would screw the first thing that moved. What would you do"?

The first Marine replied, "I would stand very still for half an hour".

Share with friends?

Funny Pictures

I Got a Phone Call Today.

An angry female voice started shouting, "you daft tw*t, you said it would be fine not to use a condom.

Well, now I'm pregnant. I hope you're f$@%king happy"!

I calmly replied, "it's okay love, we can work this out. Who's calling"?

After a couple of moments silence, "it's your wife".

I guess I'll be making my own dinner tonight.

Share with friends?

Funny Pictures

The Student Proctologist and Country Music

A student wants to be a proctologist, and he wants to be a really good proctologist, so he gets a part-time job down at the morgue after class so he can practice a little.

He uncovers the first guy and there is a cork in his butt! He thinks it's a little strange, so he pulls the cork out jumps back when music suddenly starts playing!

"...On the road again, just can't wait to get on the road again..."

The guy really freaks out! He runs and gets the doctor and drags the poor guy back to the table. "Look" he says and pulls the cork out again, "!

"... On the road again .. . "

The doctor is totally unimpressed... "So what?" he says.

"Isn't that the most amazing thing you've ever seen" the student asked?

"Are you kidding?" says the doctor. "Any asshole can sing country music"!

Share with friends?

Funny Pictures

Why Did the Computer Chicken Cross the Road?

Apple Chicken
No need to cross the road, let’s make the other side come this way. Think Different.

Assembler Chicken:
First, it builds the road ......

C Chicken:
It crosses the road without looking both ways.

C++ Chicken:
The chicken wouldn't have to cross the road, you' d simply refer to him on the other side.

COBOL Chicken:

Version: 001:
It didn’t, the other side was PHP5 only

Version: 002:
The CI chicken crossed the road only after it completed a new “road validation” class with functions to determine the distance and speed of any existing traffic both PHP5-bound and PHP4-bound.
It then solidly beat CakeChicken in every benchmark.
Of course, all the other framework chickens that could only validate for PHP5-bound traffic became PHP4-bound roadkill.
Thus, the CI chicken is now able to cross all PHP roads, whereas many other PHP based chickens can only cross the NEWER built PHP5 roads.
Discussion: CodeIgniter:

Cray Chicken:
Crosses faster than any other chicken, but if you don't dip it in liquid nitrogen first, it arrives on the other side frazzled.

Delphi Chicken:
The chicken is dragged across the road and dropped on the other side.

Gopher Chicken:
Tried to run but got beaten by the Web chicken.

Intel Pentium Chicken:
The chicken crossed 4.9999978 times.

Internet Explorer 5.5 chicken:
The cross_road property is not supported in this version. Please use the tunnel_under property as a temporary work-around if you absolutely must move the chicken to the other side of the road. You must provide your own _spoon subclass for the tunneling protocol.

Internet Explorer 6 Chicken:
“Error 404, Road can not be found”

Iomega Chicken:
The chicken should have 'backed up' before crossing.

Java Chicken:
If your road needs to be crossed by a chicken, then the server will download one to the other side. (Of course, those are chicklets.)

Linux Chicken:
Don't you *dare* try to cross the road the same way we do!
sudo -crossroad root/country/road/local_road/

Mac Chicken:
No reasonable chicken owner would want a chicken to cross the road, so there's no way to tell it how to cross the road.

Machine language:
01110100 01101111 00100000 01100111 01100101 01110100 00100000 01110100
01101111 00100000 01110100 01101000 01100101 00100000 01101111 01110100
01101000 01100101 01110010 00100000 01110011 01101001 01100100 01100101

Microsoft Chicken:
Before crossing the road, please make sure you have the latest updates for both windows and your Anti virus. Also make sure that you have Silverlight installed.

Newton Chicken:
Can't cluck, can't fly, and can't lay eggs, but you can carry it across the road in your pocket.

OOP Chicken:
It doesn't need to cross the road, it just sends a message.

OS/2 Chicken:
It crossed the road in style years ago, but it was so quiet that nobody noticed.

Microsoft's Chicken:
It's already on both sides of the road. What's more its just bought the road.

Windows 95 Chicken:
You see different coloured feathers while it crosses, but when you cook it still tastes like........ chicken.

Quantum Logic Chicken:
The chicken is distributed probabilistically on all sides of the road until you observe it on the side of your choice.

VB Chicken:
USHighways! <TheRoad.cross> (aChicken)

XP Chicken Jumps out onto the road, turns right, and just keeps on running.

The Longhorn Chicken had an identity crisis and is now calling itself Vista.

The Vista Chicken dazzled itself with its own graphics.

The Vesta Chicken was eaten by my old friend 'Mad Mick'

Xbox 360 Chicken
You can cross the road, but it will cost you 800 microsoft points.

Xbox 360 Chicken 2
Achievement unlocked: “You crossed the road”

Share with friends?

Funny Pictures

Old Jokes   124    125    126    127  128  129    130    131    132   Latest

Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself

The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

Fuelled by: CodeIgniter - ver: 3.1.11  Debug: / 730,688Mb / 20:35:20 / 200 / No Errors