Saturday 14th December 2019 - 18:29:42 

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Charles Noticed the Mother and Child in the Supermarket


Charles watched as a woman at his supermarket shopped with a three-year-old girl riding in the child's seat. As they approached the sweet section the little girl asked for some liquorice sticks and her mother told her, "No". The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss. The mother said softly, "Now Cindy, our shopping is going well, Don't be upset………we’ll soon be out of here".

Presently, they came to the aisle where the ice cream was on offer and the little girl began to ask for an ice lolly. When told she couldn't have one she began to cry. The mother said gently, "There, there, Cindy, don't cry. Only two more aisles to go and then we'll be at the check out".

When they got to the conveyer belt the little girl immediately began to demand sweets next to the checkout. Finally she threw a tantrum when her mother would not let her have any sweets. The mother, calmed her saying, "Cindy, we'll be through this queue in two minutes and then we can go home and have a glass of squash and a knap".

Charles followed them out to the car park and stopped the woman to compliment her on her child management.
"I couldn't help admiring how patient you were with little Cindy", Charles said.

The mother turned and replied, "Oh, no, I'm Cindy. My little girl's name is Dorothy".


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Guy with a Girlfriend Named Lorraine - Another Groaner

There was this guy and he had a girlfriend named Lorraine who was very pretty and he liked her a lot.

One day he went to work and found that a new girl had started working there. Her name was Clearly and she was absolutely gorgeous.

He became quite besotted with Clearly and after while it became obvious that she was interested in him too. But this guy was a loyal man and he wouldn't do anything with Clearly while he was still going out with Lorraine.

He decided that there was nothing left to do but to break up with Lorraine and get on with Clearly.

He planned several times to tell Lorraine but he couldn't bring himself to do it. Then one day they went for a walk along the riverbank when Lorraine slipped and fell into the river. The current carried her off and she drowned.

The guy stopped for a moment by the river and then ran off smiling and singing........







Scroll down (Get ready, it's good...)







"I can see Clearly now. Lorraine has gone".


Now wasn't that worth the wait!!!


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Computer Quotes

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Emo Philips

Bill Gates is the pope of the personal computer industry. He decides who's going to build.
Larry Ellison

Computer science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes.
Edsger Dijkstra

Computers are magnificent tools for the realization of our dreams, but no machine can replace the human spark of spirit, compassion, love, and understanding.
Louis Gerstner

Computers are useless. They can only give you answers.
Pablo Picasso

Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.
Andy Rooney

Computing is not about computers any more. It is about living.
Nicholas Negroponte

Data is not information, information is not knowledge, knowledge is not understanding, understanding is not wisdom.
Clifford Stoll

Home computers are being called upon to perform many new functions, including the consumption of homework formerly eaten by the dog.
Doug Larson

I am not the only person who uses his computer mainly for the purpose of diddling with his computer.
Dave Barry

I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.
Isaac Asimov

I think computer viruses should count as life. I think it says something about human nature that the only form of life we have created so far is purely destructive. We've created life in our own image.
Stephen Hawking

I think it's fair to say that personal computers have become the most empowering tool we've ever created. They're tools of communication, they're tools of creativity, and they can be shaped by their user.
Bill Gates

Never trust a computer you can't throw out a window.
Steve Wozniak

Part of the inhumanity of the computer is that, once it is competently programmed and working smoothly, it is completely honest.
Isaac Asimov

People think computers will keep them from making mistakes. They're wrong. With computers you make mistakes faster.
Adam Osborne

Supercomputers will achieve one human brain capacity by 2010, and personal computers will do so by about 2020.
Ray Kurzweil

The computer is a moron.
Peter Drucker

The digital revolution is far more significant than the invention of writing or even of printing.
Douglas Engelbart

The good news about computers is that they do what you tell them to do. The bad news is that they do what you tell them to do.
Ted Nelson

The Internet is not just one thing, it's a collection of things - of numerous communications networks that all speak the same digital language.
Jim Clark

The real danger is not that computers will begin to think like men, but that men will begin to think like computers.
Sydney J. Harris

Think? Why think! We have computers to do that for us.
Jean Rostand

To err is human - and to blame it on a computer is even more so.
Robert Orben

Treat your password like your toothbrush. Don't let anybody else use it, and get a new one every six months.
Clifford Stoll

What do we want our kids to do? Sweep up around Japanese computers?
Walter F. Mondale

Why is it drug addicts and computer afficionados are both called users?
Clifford Stoll


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The New Doctor

The old rancher took his wife to town to see the new doctor.

He waited for her by the hitch rail while he shot the breeze with some other old timers. After a few minutes, he heard his wife scream, then she slammed through the door and nearly knocked him down. Finally, he calmed her enough to learn of her problem.

After listening to her story, he helped her into the buckboard to wait for him while he settled things with this new upstart. He hitched his gun belt in place and marched in to confront the doctor.

"What the hell's wrong with you?" the rancher demanded of the doctor. "My wife is 63 years old. We have five grown children and eleven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant"?

The new doctor raised his eyebrows and asked, "Does she still have the hiccups"?


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Chatting Up on the Beach

A widowed Jewish lady was sunbathing on a beach at Ft. Myers Florida . She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand next to hers and began reading a book.

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. 'Hello, sir, how are you today?

'Fine, thank you,' he responded, and turned back to his book.

'I love the beach. Do you come here often?' she asked 'First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago,' he replied and turned back to his book.

'I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away 3 years ago and it is very lonely' she countered. Do you live around here?' she asked.

'Yes, I live over in Cape Coral , 'he answered' and again resumed reading.

Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted, 'Do you like pussy cats'?

With that, the man dropped his book, jumped off his blanket and on to her, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate ride of her life!

When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man, 'How did you know that was what I wanted'?

The man replied, 'How did you know my name was Katz'?


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A Little Old Lady with a Farting Problem


A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. It never smells and is always silent. As a matter of fact I've farted at least 10 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because it doesn't smell and is silent".

The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week".

The next week the lady returns.

"Doctor", she says, "I don't know what the heck you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, stink terribly".

"Good," the doctor said. "Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing".


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The Present from France

A woman goes to France to attend a 2-week, company training session.

Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.

The wife answers, “Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?”

The husband laughs and says, “A French girl!”

The woman kept quiet and left.

Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks “So, honey, how was the trip?”

“Very good, thank you”.

“And, what happened to my present?”

“Which present?”

“What I asked for…. the French girl?

“Oh, that? Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait a few months to see if it is a girl…”


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Small Boy Wrote to Santa Claus



Small Boy wrote to Santa Claus," send me a brother".

Santa wrote back, "SEND ME YOUR MOTHER".


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Two Marines Were Sitting Around Talking One Day.

The first Marine asked the second Marine, "if they were to drop a bomb right now, what would be the first thing you would do"?

The second Marine said, "I would screw the first thing that moved. What would you do"?

The first Marine replied, "I would stand very still for half an hour".


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I Got a Phone Call Today.

An angry female voice started shouting, "you daft tw*t, you said it would be fine not to use a condom.

Well, now I'm pregnant. I hope you're f$@%king happy"!

I calmly replied, "it's okay love, we can work this out. Who's calling"?

After a couple of moments silence, "it's your wife".

I guess I'll be making my own dinner tonight.


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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself
¯\_(ツ)_/¯




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Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

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