Wednesday 20th November 2019 - 08:39:58 

Previously On Johns-Jokes

NO Pictures - Just Jokes
Mobile User Friendly


Insurance Claim for the Lawyer and the Engineer


A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said, "I'm here because my house burned down, and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything".

That's quite a coincidence", said the engineer. "I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything".

The lawyer thought for a moment, but was puzzled. Finally he asked the engineer, "How do you start a flood"?


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


Shopping for her Very First Bra

A very flat-chested woman finally decided she needed a bra and set out to the mall in search of one in her size.

She entered an upscale department store and approached the saleslady in lingerie, "Do you have a size 28AAAA bra"?

The clerk haughtily replied in the negative, so she left the store and proceeded to another department store where she is rebuffed in much the same manner.

After a third try at another department store in the mall, she had become disgusted. Leaving the mall, she drove to K-Mart.

At K-Mart she marched up to the sales clerk, unbuttoned and threw open her blouse, yelling, "Do you have anything for these"?

The lady looked closely at her and replied, "Have you tried Clearasil"?


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


I'm Concerned


Don't know if this is just a sick coincidence , but....

2007 - Chinese year of the Chicken - Bird Flu Pandemic devastates parts of Asia

2008 - Chinese year of the Horse - Equine Influenza decimates Australian racing

2009 - Chinese year of the Pig - Swine Flu Pandemic kills hundreds of people around the globe.



Has any one else noticed this? ...



It gets worse next year... 2010 - Chinese year of the Cock - what could possibly go wrong?


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


Burglar Deterrent


"Get this", said a guy to his friend, "last night, while I was down at the bar with you guys, a burglar broke into my house".

"Did he get anything", his friend asked?

"Yeah, a broken jaw, six teeth knocked out, and a pair of broken ribs. The wife thought it was me coming home drunk again".


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


The Wisdom You can Find on Toilet Walls

1. Friends don't let their friends take home a ugly men.
From n a Women's restroom in Starboard, Dewey Beach, DE.

2. Remember, it's not, "How high are you?" it's "Hi, how are you"?
From a Rest stop off Route 81, West Virginia. Remember

3. No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her crap.
From a Men's Room, Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, North Carolina

4. Make love, not war. Hell, do both, get married!
From a Women's restroom, The Filling Station, Bozeman, Montana

5. A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.
From a Women's restroom, Dick's Last Resort, Dallas, Texas

6. No wonder you always go home alone.
From a Sign over mirror in Men's restroom at Beverly Hills, CA

7. Beauty is only a light switch away.
From a restroom in the Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, North Carolina.

8. Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
From The Irish Times, Washington, DC

9. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
Written in the dust on the back of a bus, Flagstaff, Arizona.

10. If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
From Revolution Books, New York, New York

11, Don't trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die.
From a -Men's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


A Convicted Felon....

A convicted felon was given ten years without parole for his latest crime. After 2 years in jail, he managed to escape. His escape was the lead item on the six o'clock news.

Because he had to be careful, he worked his way home taking little travelled routes, running across deserted fields and taking every precaution he could think of.

Eventually he arrived at his house and he rang the bell.

His wife opened the door and bellowed at him, "You good-for-nothing bum! Where the hell have ya been? You escaped over six hours ago".



Nicked from:
http://lasvegas.craigslist.org/forums/?ID=124366526


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


I Already Paid

A man walks into a bar and has a couple of beers. Once he is done the bartender tells him he owes $9.00.

"But I paid, don't you remember?" says the customer.

"Okay," says the bartender, "If you said you paid, you did."

The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid.

The second man then rushes in, orders a beer and later pulls the same stunt.

The barkeep replies, "If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it."

Soon the customer goes into the street, sees an old friend, and tells him how to get free drinks.

The man hurries into the bar and begins to drink high-balls when, suddenly, the bartender leans over sand says, "You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched right in the nose."

"Don't bother me with your troubles," the final patron responds. "Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


Writing Rules Clarified:


  1. Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.
  2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
  3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
  4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
  5. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat)
  6. Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.
  7. Be more or less specific.
  8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.
  9. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
  10. No sentence fragments.
  11. Contractions aren't necessary and shouldn't be used.
  12. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
  13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
  14. One should NEVER generalize.
  15. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
  16. Don't use no double negatives.
  17. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
  18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
  19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
  20. The passive voice is to be ignored.
  21. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas.
  22. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.
  23. Kill all exclamation points!!!
  24. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
  25. Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth shaking ideas.
  26. Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not needed.
  27. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
  28. If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times:
    Resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.
  29. Puns are for children, not groan readers.
  30. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
  31. Even IF a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
  32. Who needs rhetorical questions?
  33. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
  34. And finally...
    Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.




A couple of addendums:
Never contradict any of these oxymorons.


And let's not forget:
Being incorrect English, you should never write dangling participles.



Nicked from: http://www.well.com/user/argv/funny/writing-rules


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


Nun and a Priest


A Nun and a Priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.

After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke. 'Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim.'

'I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two.'

'I agree,' says the Father. 'Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?'

'Anything, Father.'

'I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours.'

'Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm.'

The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.

'Sister, would you mind if I touched them?' She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.

'Father, could I ask something of you?'

'Yes, Sister?'

'I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?'

'I suppose that would be OK,' the Priest replied lifting his robe.

'Oh Father, may I touch it?'

The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.

'Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life.'

'Is that true Father?'

'Yes, it is, Sister.'

'Oh Father, that's wonderful .. stick it in the camel and let's get the hell out of here!'




Contributed by: Howard



Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


Five Tips For A Woman


1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.

2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.

3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.

4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.

5. It is important that these four men don't know each other!!


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures



Old Jokes   125    126    127    128  129  130    131    132    133   Latest


Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself
¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

Fuelled by: CodeIgniter - ver: 3.1.9  Debug: 35.172.195.49 / 827,672Mb / 08:39:58 / 200 / No Errors