Friday 13th December 2019 - 20:40:01 

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Buying My First Condoms

The first time I went to a drug store to buy condoms, I was served by a beautiful young woman who asked what size I wanted. I said "I wasn't sure".

So she asked now big I was and I said, "Compared to what"?

She held up one finger and asked if I was that big.

I said, "I'm bigger than that".

Then she held up two fingers and asked if I was that big.

I said, "I'm bigger than that".

Then she held up three fingers and asked if I was that big.

I said, "I'm about that big".

She put the three fingers in her mouth and said, "You're a medium".


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Some Funny Marriage Quotes

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
*David Bissonette*



When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
*Sacha Guitry*



After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just
can't face each other, but still they stay together.
*Hemant Joshi*



By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
*Socrates*



Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
*Dumas*



The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want **?
*Sigmund Freud*



I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
*Anonymous*



Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
*Henry Youngman*



I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.
*Sam Kinison*



There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."
*James Holt McGavran*



I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't."
*Patrick Murray*



Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming:
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
*Nash*



The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...
*Anonymous*



You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
*Henny Youngman*



My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
*Rodney Dangerfield*



A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
*Milton Berle*



Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
*Anonymous*



A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine".
*Anonymous*



First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second Guy "You're lucky, mine's still alive".




Nicked from:
http://bangkok.craigslist.org/forums/?B=116189;forumID=1257;postAreaID=156


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New Virus Alert

I thought you would want to know about this e-mail virus. Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this one.

Symptoms:

1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice … done that!

2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail! … that too!

3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person … yep!

4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you … who me?

5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment … well phooey!

6. Causes you to hit ‘SEND’ before you’ve finished … OH NO, not again!

7. Causes you to hit ‘DELETE’ instead of ‘SEND’ … and I just hate that!

8. Causes you to hit ‘SEND’ when you should ‘DELETE’ … Oh NO!!!

IT IS CALLED THE ‘C-NILE VIRUS’

THIS ONE YOU DON’T HAVE TO CHECK ON SNOPES!!!!


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Diagnosis

A woman goes to the doctors, and says, "Doctor, I've got a bit of a problem. I'll have to take my clothes off to show you". The doctor tells her to go behind the screen and disrobe. She does so, and the doctor goes round to see her when she is ready.

"Well, what is it" he asks?

"It's a bit embarrassing," she replies, "These two green circles have appeared on the inside of my thighs".

The doctor examines her and finally admits he has no idea what the cause is. Then he suddenly asks, "Have you been having an affair with a Harley rider lately"?

The woman blushes and says, "Well, actually I have".

"That's the problem!" the doctor says, "Tell him his earrings aren't made of real gold......"


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Unfaithful Wife Caught by the Private Detective.


The husband finally got wise to the fact that his wife was less than faithful. He hired a private investigator to follow her, and in less than a week, had all the information that he needed on the "other man".

The husband convinced himself that his marriage would still be a loving and trustworthy one had this S.O.B. not come into the picture. Being a man of 21st century and all, he decided to handle the matter in what he judged to be sophisticated and business- like manner.

He sent the following e-mail to his wife's lover:



Sir,

It has been brought to my attention that for some time now you have been carrying on an affair with my wife. So that we may settle this matter in an intelligent fashion, please be at my office at 3 PM next Friday.

The "other man" was highly amused by the husband's formal manner and sent the following reply:



Dear Sir,

I have received a copy of the your mass mailing this morning. You may be advised that I will attend the scheduled conference in your office's auditorium.


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A Bowl of Chili

A duded-up city biker walks into a seedy tavern in Sturgis, SD.

He sits at the bar and notices a grizzled old biker with his arms folded, staring blankly at a full bowl of chili.

After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the newby rider bravely asks the old biker, 'If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do"?

The old veteran of a thousand rides slowly turns his head toward the young pup and says, 'Nah, you go ahead'.

Eagerly, the guy wearing the shiny new leather fashions reaches over and slides the bowl into his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom of the bowl and notices a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was very shocking and he immediately barfed up the chili back into the bowl.


The old biker quietly says, 'Yep, that's as far as I got, too'.


Many thanks to: Bob Fisher


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It's an Age Thing


An 80-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results.

The doctor says, 'George, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally. Are you at peace with God'?

George replies, 'God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, *poof *!, the light goes on. When I'm done, *poof *!, the light goes off'.

'Wow, that's incredible', the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife.

'Ethel,' he says, 'George is fine but I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and *poof *!, the light goes on in The bathroom, and when he's done, *poof *! The light goes off'?

'OH MY GOD' Ethel exclaims!

'He's pissing in the fridge again'!!!!


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Lumber Purchase


Some men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the men walked in the office and says, "We need some four-by-twos".

The clerk replies, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you"?

The guy scratches his head and says, "I'll go check", and goes back to the truck.

He returns and says, "Yeah, I meant two-by-four".

"All right. How long do you need them"?

The guy pauses for a minute and says, "I better go check." After a while, he returns to the office and says, "A long time. We're gonna build a house".


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Insurance Claim for the Lawyer and the Engineer


A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said, "I'm here because my house burned down, and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything".

That's quite a coincidence", said the engineer. "I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything".

The lawyer thought for a moment, but was puzzled. Finally he asked the engineer, "How do you start a flood"?


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Shopping for her Very First Bra

A very flat-chested woman finally decided she needed a bra and set out to the mall in search of one in her size.

She entered an upscale department store and approached the saleslady in lingerie, "Do you have a size 28AAAA bra"?

The clerk haughtily replied in the negative, so she left the store and proceeded to another department store where she is rebuffed in much the same manner.

After a third try at another department store in the mall, she had become disgusted. Leaving the mall, she drove to K-Mart.

At K-Mart she marched up to the sales clerk, unbuttoned and threw open her blouse, yelling, "Do you have anything for these"?

The lady looked closely at her and replied, "Have you tried Clearasil"?


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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself
¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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