Friday 24th January 2020 - 13:43:46 

Previously On Johns-Jokes

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Quotations All About Tax

"It's tax time. I know this because I'm staring at documents that make no sense to me, no matter how many beers I drink."
-- Dave Barry

"The number of words dealing with income taxes in the Internal Revenue Code and IRS regulations rose nearly tenfold between 1955 and 2005, from 718,000 to more than 7 million How is a mugger different from the Internal Revenue Service? Both take your money, but the mugger doesn't make you fill out forms."
--Jacob Sullum in Reason

"More than ever before, Americans are suffering from back problems: back taxes, back rent, back auto payments."
-- Robert Orben

"To tax and to please, no more than to love and to be wise, is not given to men."
-- Edmund Burke, 18th Century Irish political philosopher and British statesman

"Taxation with representation ain't so hot either."
-- Gerald Barzan, humorist

"Earlier today, the White House released President Bush's tax return. Not surprisingly, under dependents, the president listed Iraq."
--Conan O'Brien

"The IRS now says you can deduct weight loss plans off your taxes. You can write it off because the government has officially declared obesity a disease. And it's a disease, you can deduct medical expenses. That shows what a difference an administration can make. See under Bush, obesity is a disease. Under Clinton it was just sexy."

"The term "tax humor" is no doubt an oxymoron to many people; to the more cynical, it is an apt description of the entire tax code."
-- John F. Lekel

"You must pay taxes. But there's no law that says you gotta leave a tip."
-- Advertisement

"It's income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta."
-- Dave Barry

"If a person is an economic being and figures out the odds, then there is a very high incentive to cheat. That is, of course, putting aside honor, duty and patriotism."
-- Jerome Kurtz, former Commissioner, Internal Revenue Service

"The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it's just sort of a tired feeling."
-- Comedian

Called in for an audit, Mr. Briggs was confronted by a surly IRS agent. "It says here, Mr. Briggs, that you are a bachelor; yet you claim a dependent son. Surely this must be a mistake." Looking him straight in the eye, Mr. Briggs replied, "Yup, it surely was."

"A fool and his money are soon parted. It takes creative tax laws for the rest."
-- C Bob Thaves

"The question is: What can we, as citizens, do to reform our tax system? As you know, under our three-branch system of government, the tax laws are created by: Satan. But he works through the Congress, so that's where we must focus our efforts."
-- Dave Barry

"Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what's called a red flag. That's something the IRS always looks for. For example, say you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes. That's a red flag."
-- Jay Leno

"If you are truly serious about preparing your child for the future, don't teach him to subtract - teach him to deduct."
-- Fran Lebowitz

"Day in and day out, your tax accountant can make or lose you more money than any single person in your life, with the possible exception of your kids."
-- Harvey Mackay

" In general, the art of government consists in taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other."
-- Voltaire

"Our party has been accused of fooling the public by calling tax increases 'revenue enhancement'. Not so. No one was fooled."
-- J. Danforth Quayle V.P.

The more you earn, the less you keep,
And now I lay me down to sleep.
I pray the Lord my soul to take,
If the tax collector hasn't got it before I wake.
-- Ogden Nash

This guy walks into the tax auditor's office, the auditor looks at him and says, "Please Mr. Johnson, take a seat. We already own a piece of yours."

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Little Johnny Learns How to Make Babies

Little Johnny came home from school and said to his mother, “Mom, guess what, at school we learned how to make babies today”!

His mother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. “That’s interesting”, she said. “How do you make babies”?

It’s simple, replied Little Johnny. “You just change y to i and add es”.

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Buying My First Condoms

The first time I went to a drug store to buy condoms, I was served by a beautiful young woman who asked what size I wanted. I said "I wasn't sure".

So she asked now big I was and I said, "Compared to what"?

She held up one finger and asked if I was that big.

I said, "I'm bigger than that".

Then she held up two fingers and asked if I was that big.

I said, "I'm bigger than that".

Then she held up three fingers and asked if I was that big.

I said, "I'm about that big".

She put the three fingers in her mouth and said, "You're a medium".

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Some Funny Marriage Quotes

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
*David Bissonette*

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
*Sacha Guitry*

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just
can't face each other, but still they stay together.
*Hemant Joshi*

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want **?
*Sigmund Freud*

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
*Henry Youngman*

I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.
*Sam Kinison*

There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."
*James Holt McGavran*

I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't."
*Patrick Murray*

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming:
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
*Henny Youngman*

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
*Rodney Dangerfield*

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
*Milton Berle*

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine".

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second Guy "You're lucky, mine's still alive".

Nicked from:;forumID=1257;postAreaID=156

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New Virus Alert

I thought you would want to know about this e-mail virus. Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this one.


1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice … done that!

2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail! … that too!

3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person … yep!

4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you … who me?

5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment … well phooey!

6. Causes you to hit ‘SEND’ before you’ve finished … OH NO, not again!

7. Causes you to hit ‘DELETE’ instead of ‘SEND’ … and I just hate that!

8. Causes you to hit ‘SEND’ when you should ‘DELETE’ … Oh NO!!!



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A woman goes to the doctors, and says, "Doctor, I've got a bit of a problem. I'll have to take my clothes off to show you". The doctor tells her to go behind the screen and disrobe. She does so, and the doctor goes round to see her when she is ready.

"Well, what is it" he asks?

"It's a bit embarrassing," she replies, "These two green circles have appeared on the inside of my thighs".

The doctor examines her and finally admits he has no idea what the cause is. Then he suddenly asks, "Have you been having an affair with a Harley rider lately"?

The woman blushes and says, "Well, actually I have".

"That's the problem!" the doctor says, "Tell him his earrings aren't made of real gold......"

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Unfaithful Wife Caught by the Private Detective.

The husband finally got wise to the fact that his wife was less than faithful. He hired a private investigator to follow her, and in less than a week, had all the information that he needed on the "other man".

The husband convinced himself that his marriage would still be a loving and trustworthy one had this S.O.B. not come into the picture. Being a man of 21st century and all, he decided to handle the matter in what he judged to be sophisticated and business- like manner.

He sent the following e-mail to his wife's lover:


It has been brought to my attention that for some time now you have been carrying on an affair with my wife. So that we may settle this matter in an intelligent fashion, please be at my office at 3 PM next Friday.

The "other man" was highly amused by the husband's formal manner and sent the following reply:

Dear Sir,

I have received a copy of the your mass mailing this morning. You may be advised that I will attend the scheduled conference in your office's auditorium.

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A Bowl of Chili

A duded-up city biker walks into a seedy tavern in Sturgis, SD.

He sits at the bar and notices a grizzled old biker with his arms folded, staring blankly at a full bowl of chili.

After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the newby rider bravely asks the old biker, 'If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do"?

The old veteran of a thousand rides slowly turns his head toward the young pup and says, 'Nah, you go ahead'.

Eagerly, the guy wearing the shiny new leather fashions reaches over and slides the bowl into his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom of the bowl and notices a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was very shocking and he immediately barfed up the chili back into the bowl.

The old biker quietly says, 'Yep, that's as far as I got, too'.

Many thanks to: Bob Fisher

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It's an Age Thing

An 80-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results.

The doctor says, 'George, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally. Are you at peace with God'?

George replies, 'God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, *poof *!, the light goes on. When I'm done, *poof *!, the light goes off'.

'Wow, that's incredible', the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife.

'Ethel,' he says, 'George is fine but I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and *poof *!, the light goes on in The bathroom, and when he's done, *poof *! The light goes off'?

'OH MY GOD' Ethel exclaims!

'He's pissing in the fridge again'!!!!

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Lumber Purchase

Some men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the men walked in the office and says, "We need some four-by-twos".

The clerk replies, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you"?

The guy scratches his head and says, "I'll go check", and goes back to the truck.

He returns and says, "Yeah, I meant two-by-four".

"All right. How long do you need them"?

The guy pauses for a minute and says, "I better go check." After a while, he returns to the office and says, "A long time. We're gonna build a house".

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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself

The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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