Monday 16th December 2019 - 09:25:13 

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Family Togetherness.............

A man and woman were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.

"Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed son number one... "Sorry I'm running late... had an emergency, you know how it is, didn't have time to get you both a present".

Not to worry," said the dad..." the important thing is that we're all here together today".

Son number two arrived and announced, "You and Mom still look great, Dad. Just flew in from L.A. and didn't have time to get you a present... Sorry".

It's nothing," said the father, "Glad you were able to be here".

Just then the daughter arrived, "Hello both of you, Happy Anniversary! I'm sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing... so I didn't have time to get you guys anything".

Again the father said, "I really don't care, at least the five of us are together today".

After they had all finished dessert, the father put down his knife and fork, looked up and said, "Listen up, all three of you, there's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to raise each of you and send you to college. All through the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very much but... we just never found the time to get married".

The three kids gasp and said, "You mean we're bastards"?

Yep," said the dad..."and cheap ones too"!


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Handy Latin Phrases by Phil Brodie

It has come to my attention that a few of these Latin phrases are in the books written by Henry Beard, a great autor who has penned many amusing books including three containing Latin phrases "Latin For All Occasions", "Latin For Even More Occasions" and "X-Treme Latin: All the Latin You Need to Know for Survival in the 21st Century"


Aqua iacta est
The water is cast (better than... been to the loo!!)

Fac ut cubiculum
Get a room!

Semper in excretum sum sed alta variat
Always in the shit, but the depth varies

Potentia vobiscum
May the force be with you.

Laboris gloria Ludi
Work hard, Play hard

In vino veritas
In wine there is truth.

Magister Mundi sum!
I am the Master of the Universe!

Usus est magister optimus
Practice is the best teacher ... practice makes perfect.

Sic infit
So it begins / Thus it begins

Tempus fugit, mors venit
Time passes, death advances.

dum spiro, spero
As long as I breathe, I hope.

a agricola in agri est dignitas duos in urbs
A farmer in the field is worth two in the city

lupus non mordet lupum
a wolf does not bite a wolf

Espresso est, ergo cogito.
Espresso is, therefore I think

Spero nos familiares mansuros
I hope we'll still be friends.

Noli illegitimi carborundum
Don't let the bastards wear you down.

Audacter calumniare, semper aliquid haeret
Slander boldly, something always sticks

Stercus accidit
Shit happens

Erat abhinc viginti annis hodie, Centurio Piper catervam canere docebat
It was Twenty years ago today, Sgt. Pepper taught the band to play.

Aspice quod felix attracsit
Look what the cat dragged in.

Aequitas non facit ad angulum abuso ipsum sceleratum.
Equity does not go off to a corner and masturbate.

Servo Permaneo Bovis Provestri
Save the Last Bullet for Yourself

Te scindam
I'll cut you.

Veni, vidi et capiebar ad anum
I came, I saw and I endured a rear assault (said by Hannibal)

Pons asinorum
Bridge of asses

Persona non grata
Person not pleasing

Audio hostem
I hear the enemy

Semper ubi sub ubi
Always where under where (Always wear underwear)

Vestri matris
Your mom

Veni Vidi Volo in domum redire
I came, I saw, I want to go home

Si hoc legere scis nimium eruditionis habes
If you can read this, you're too educated

Magnus frater est vigilo vos
Big Brother is watching you

Fac ut vivas.
Get a life.

Mihi ignosce. Cum homine de cane debeo congredi.
Excuse me. I've got to see a man about a dog.

Noli me vocare, ego te vocabo.
Don't call me, I'll call you.

Radix lecti.
Couch potato.

Volo comparare nonnulla tegumembra.
I'd like to buy some condoms.

Sona si Latine loqueris.
Honk if you speak Latin.

Si hoc signum legere potes, operis boni in rebus Latinus alacribus
et fructuosis potiri potes!
If you can read this sign, you can get a good job in the fast-paced,
high-paying world of Latin!

Gramen artificiosum odi.
I hate Astroturf.

Utinam coniurati te in foro interficiant.
May conspirators assassinate you in the mall.

Cogito, ergo doleo.
I think, therefore I am depressed.

Abundant dulcibus vitiis.
Nobody's perfect.

Ventis secundis, tene cursum.
Go with the flow.

Si fractum non sit, noli id reficere.
If it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Ne auderis delere orbem rigidum meum.
Don't you dare erase my hard disk.

Illegitimi non carborundum.
Don't let the bastards burn you.

Braccae tuae aperiuntur.
Your fly is open.

Non curo. Si metrum non habet, non est poema.
I don't care. If it doesn't rhyme, it isn't a poem.

Furnulum pani nolo.
I don't want a toaster.

Morologus es!
You're talking like a moron!

Catapultam habeo. Nisi pecuniam omnem mihi dabis, ad caput tuum saxum immane mittam.
I have a catapult. Give me all the money, or I will fling an enormous rock at your head.

Sentio aliquos togatos contra me conspirare.
I think some people in togas are plotting against me.

Re vera, potas bene.
Say, you sure are drinking a lot.

Nihil curo de ista tua stulta superstitione.
I'm not interested in your dopey religious cult.

Tace atque abi.
Shut up and go away.

Utinam barbari spatium proprium tuum invadant.
May barbarians invade your personal space.

Quantum materiae materietur marmota monax si marmota monax materiam possit materiari?
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

Actio personalis monitur cum persona.
Dead men don't sue.

Vescere bracis meis.
Eat my shorts.

Prehende uxorem meam, sis!
Take my wife, please!

Actus non facit reum nisi mens est rea.
I never intended to kill anybody.

Non calor sed umor est qui nobis incommodat.
It's not the heat, it's the humidity.

Mellita, domi adsum.
Honey, I'm home.

Fac ut nemo me vocet.
Hold my calls.

Di! Ecce hora! Uxor mea me necabit!
God, look at the time! My wife will kill me!

Antiquis temporibus, nati tibi similes in rupibus ventosissimis exponebantur ad necem.
In the good old days, children like you were left to perish on windswept crags.

Estne volumen in toga, an solum tibi libet me videre?
Is that a scroll in your toga, or are you just happy to see me?

Fac ut gaudeam.
Make my day.

Labra lege.
Read my lips.

Purgamentum init, exit purgamentum.
Garbage in, garbage out.

Credo nos in fluctu eodem esse.
I think we're on the same wavelength.

Subucula tua apparet.
Your slip is showing.

Absolvi meam animam.
I got that off my chest.

Ante victoriam ne canas triumphum.
Don't count your chickens before they're hatched.

Apudne te vel me?
Your place or mine?

Da mihi sis crustum Etruscum cum omnibus in eo.
I'll have a pizza with everything on it.

Obesa cantavit.
The fat lady has sung.

Lex clavatoris designati rescindenda est.
The designated hitter rule has got to go.

Te audire no possum. Musa sapientum fixa est in aure.
I can't hear you. I have a banana in my ear.

Non sum pisces.
I am not a fish.

Caesar si viveret, ad remum dareris.
If Caesar were alive, you'd be chained to an oar.

Quomodo cogis comas tuas sic videri?
How do you get your hair to do that?

Canis meus id comedit.
My dog ate it.

Feles mala! Cur cista non uteris? Stramentum novum in ea posui.
Bad kitty! Why don't you use the cat box? I put new litter in it.

Romani quidem artem amatoriam invenerunt.
You know, the Romans invented the art of love.

Animadvertistine, ubicumque stes, fumum recta in faciem ferri?
Ever noticed how wherever you stand, the smoke goes right into your face?

Braccae illae virides cum subucula rosea et tunica Caledonia-quam elenganter concinnatur.
Those green pants go so well with that pink shirt and the plaid jacket.

Utinam logica falsa tuam philosophiam totam suffodiant.
May faulty logic undermine your entire philosophy.

Neutiquam erro.
I am not lost.

Hocine bibo aut in eum digitos insero?
Do I drink this or stick my fingers in it?

Vah! Denuone Latine loquebar? Me ineptum. Interdum modo elabitur.
Oh! Was I speaking Latin again? Silly me. Sometimes it just sort of slips out.


Courtesy of: JustJoolz
Nicked from: http://philbrodieband.com/jokes_latin_phrases.htm



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The Barber and Community Service


One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week'. The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week'. The cop is happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week'. The professor is very happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen different books, such as 'How to Improve Your Business' and 'Becoming More Successful'.

Then, a Member of Parliament comes in for a haircut , and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week'. The Member of Parliament is very happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the Members of Parliament.


Contributed by: Howard



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Computer Programming Facts, Humour and Subtle Truths


Interviewer: "Is studying computer science the best way to prepare to be a programmer?"

Bill Gates: "No, the best way to prepare is to write programs, and to study great
programs that other people have written. In my case, I went to
the garbage cans at the Computer Science Center and I fished
out listings of their operating system."


There are 10 types of people in this world.
Those who understand binary, and those who don't.


DEBUGGING : Removing the needles from the haystack.


Endless Loop: n., see Loop, Endless.
Loop, Endless: n., see Endless Loop.
- Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary


"It is practically impossible to teach good programming style to students that have had prior exposure
to BASIC; as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration."
-Dijkstra


"The three most dangerous things in the world are a programmer with a
soldering iron, a hardware type with a program patch and a user with an idea."
- _The Wizardry Compiled_ by Rick Cook


"The primary purpose of the DATA statement is to give names to constants; instead of
referring to pi as 3.141592653589793 at every appearance, the variable PI can be given
that value with a DATA statement and used instead of the longer form of the constant.
This also simplifies modifying the program, should the value of pi change."
- FORTRAN manual for Xerox computers


"C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot. C++ makes it
harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg."
- Bjarne Stroustrup


"Programming graphics in X is like finding sqrt(pi) using Roman numerals."
- Henry Spencer


"Never put off until run time what you can do at compile time."
- David Gries, in "Compiler Construction for Digital Computers", circa 1969.


BASIC programmers never die, they GOSUB and don't RETURN.


Real programmers are surprised when the odometers in their cars don't turn from 99,999 to 99,99A.


FORTRAN is not a language. It's a way of turning a multi-million
dollar mainframe into a $50 programmable scientific calculator.


C is almost a real language. Even the name sounds like it's gone through
an optimizing compiler. Get rid of all of those stupid brackets and we'll talk.


Any sufficiently advanced bug is indistinguishable from a feature.


Programming is 10% science, 25% ingenuity and 65% getting the ingenuity to work with the science.


Science is to computer science as hydrodynamics is to plumbing.


We don't really understand it, so we'll give it to the programmers.


COBOL programmers understand why women hate periods.


Computer interfaces and user interfaces are as different as night and 1.


The human mind ordinarily operates at only ten 10% of its
capacity, the rest is overhead for the operating system.


A computer scientist is someone who fixes things that aren't broken.


The computer is mightier than the pen, the sword, and usually the programmer.


Programming is an art form that fights back.


After a number of decimal places, who cares?


"Virtual" means never knowing where your next byte is coming from.


If at first you don't succeed, you must be a programmer.


"It's 5:50 a.m., Do you know where your stack pointer is?"


If God had intended humans to program, we would be born with serial I/O ports.


There are two ways to write error-free programs; only the third one works.


You never finish a program, you just stop working on it.


Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.


PL/1, "the fatal disease", belongs more to the problem set than to the solution set.


Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of APL, I shall fear
no evil, for I can string six primitive monadic and dyadic operators together.


Programming is a lot like sex. One mistake and you could have to support it the rest of your life.


You can't make a program without broken egos.


Another Glitch in the Call
(Sung to the tune of a Pink Floyd song)
-
We don't need no indirection
We don't need no flow control
No data typing or declarations
Did you leave the lists alone?
-
Hey! Hacker! Leave those lists alone!
-
Chorus:
All in all, it was, just a pure-LISP function call.
All in all, it was, just a pure-LISP function call.


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Mathmatical Knowledge of the American Public

Two mathematicians were having dinner in a restaurant, arguing about the average mathematical knowledge of the American public. One mathematician claimed that this average was woefully inadequate, the other maintained that it was surprisingly high.

"I'll tell you what," said the cynic, "ask that waitress a simple math question. If she gets it right, I'll pick up dinner. If not, you do." He then excused himself to visit the men's room, and the other called the waitress over.

"When my friend comes back," he told her, "I'm going to ask you a question, and I want you to respond `one third x cubed.' There's twenty bucks in it for you." She agreed.

The cynic returned from the bathroom and called the waitress over. "The food was wonderful, thank you," the mathematician started. "Incidentally, do you know what the integral of x squared is?"

The waitress looked pensive; almost pained. She looked around the room, at her feet, made gurgling noises, and finally said, "Um, one third x cubed?"

So the cynic paid the check. The waitress wheeled around, walked a few paces away, looked back at the two men, and muttered under her breath, "...plus a constant."


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Quotations All About Tax

"It's tax time. I know this because I'm staring at documents that make no sense to me, no matter how many beers I drink."
-- Dave Barry

"The number of words dealing with income taxes in the Internal Revenue Code and IRS regulations rose nearly tenfold between 1955 and 2005, from 718,000 to more than 7 million How is a mugger different from the Internal Revenue Service? Both take your money, but the mugger doesn't make you fill out forms."
--Jacob Sullum in Reason

"More than ever before, Americans are suffering from back problems: back taxes, back rent, back auto payments."
-- Robert Orben

"To tax and to please, no more than to love and to be wise, is not given to men."
-- Edmund Burke, 18th Century Irish political philosopher and British statesman

"Taxation with representation ain't so hot either."
-- Gerald Barzan, humorist

"Earlier today, the White House released President Bush's tax return. Not surprisingly, under dependents, the president listed Iraq."
--Conan O'Brien

"The IRS now says you can deduct weight loss plans off your taxes. You can write it off because the government has officially declared obesity a disease. And it's a disease, you can deduct medical expenses. That shows what a difference an administration can make. See under Bush, obesity is a disease. Under Clinton it was just sexy."

"The term "tax humor" is no doubt an oxymoron to many people; to the more cynical, it is an apt description of the entire tax code."
-- John F. Lekel

"You must pay taxes. But there's no law that says you gotta leave a tip."
-- Advertisement

"It's income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta."
-- Dave Barry

"If a person is an economic being and figures out the odds, then there is a very high incentive to cheat. That is, of course, putting aside honor, duty and patriotism."
-- Jerome Kurtz, former Commissioner, Internal Revenue Service

"The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it's just sort of a tired feeling."
-- Comedian

Called in for an audit, Mr. Briggs was confronted by a surly IRS agent. "It says here, Mr. Briggs, that you are a bachelor; yet you claim a dependent son. Surely this must be a mistake." Looking him straight in the eye, Mr. Briggs replied, "Yup, it surely was."

"A fool and his money are soon parted. It takes creative tax laws for the rest."
-- C Bob Thaves

"The question is: What can we, as citizens, do to reform our tax system? As you know, under our three-branch system of government, the tax laws are created by: Satan. But he works through the Congress, so that's where we must focus our efforts."
-- Dave Barry

"Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what's called a red flag. That's something the IRS always looks for. For example, say you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes. That's a red flag."
-- Jay Leno

"If you are truly serious about preparing your child for the future, don't teach him to subtract - teach him to deduct."
-- Fran Lebowitz

"Day in and day out, your tax accountant can make or lose you more money than any single person in your life, with the possible exception of your kids."
-- Harvey Mackay

" In general, the art of government consists in taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other."
-- Voltaire

"Our party has been accused of fooling the public by calling tax increases 'revenue enhancement'. Not so. No one was fooled."
-- J. Danforth Quayle V.P.

The more you earn, the less you keep,
And now I lay me down to sleep.
I pray the Lord my soul to take,
If the tax collector hasn't got it before I wake.
-- Ogden Nash

This guy walks into the tax auditor's office, the auditor looks at him and says, "Please Mr. Johnson, take a seat. We already own a piece of yours."


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Little Johnny Learns How to Make Babies



Little Johnny came home from school and said to his mother, “Mom, guess what, at school we learned how to make babies today”!

His mother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. “That’s interesting”, she said. “How do you make babies”?

It’s simple, replied Little Johnny. “You just change y to i and add es”.


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Buying My First Condoms

The first time I went to a drug store to buy condoms, I was served by a beautiful young woman who asked what size I wanted. I said "I wasn't sure".

So she asked now big I was and I said, "Compared to what"?

She held up one finger and asked if I was that big.

I said, "I'm bigger than that".

Then she held up two fingers and asked if I was that big.

I said, "I'm bigger than that".

Then she held up three fingers and asked if I was that big.

I said, "I'm about that big".

She put the three fingers in her mouth and said, "You're a medium".


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Some Funny Marriage Quotes

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
*David Bissonette*



When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
*Sacha Guitry*



After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just
can't face each other, but still they stay together.
*Hemant Joshi*



By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
*Socrates*



Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
*Dumas*



The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want **?
*Sigmund Freud*



I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
*Anonymous*



Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
*Henry Youngman*



I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.
*Sam Kinison*



There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."
*James Holt McGavran*



I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't."
*Patrick Murray*



Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming:
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
*Nash*



The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...
*Anonymous*



You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
*Henny Youngman*



My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
*Rodney Dangerfield*



A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
*Milton Berle*



Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
*Anonymous*



A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine".
*Anonymous*



First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second Guy "You're lucky, mine's still alive".




Nicked from:
http://bangkok.craigslist.org/forums/?B=116189;forumID=1257;postAreaID=156


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New Virus Alert

I thought you would want to know about this e-mail virus. Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this one.

Symptoms:

1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice … done that!

2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail! … that too!

3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person … yep!

4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you … who me?

5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment … well phooey!

6. Causes you to hit ‘SEND’ before you’ve finished … OH NO, not again!

7. Causes you to hit ‘DELETE’ instead of ‘SEND’ … and I just hate that!

8. Causes you to hit ‘SEND’ when you should ‘DELETE’ … Oh NO!!!

IT IS CALLED THE ‘C-NILE VIRUS’

THIS ONE YOU DON’T HAVE TO CHECK ON SNOPES!!!!


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Old Jokes   126    127    128    129  130  131    132    133    134   Latest


Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself
¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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