Tuesday 20th August 2019 - 01:31:14 

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Little Johnny Learning About Logical Thinking


Little Johnny's teacher was giving a lesson in developing logical thinking.

"This is the scene", said the teacher.

"A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help.

His wife hears the commotion, knows he can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank"?

Little Johnny raised his hand and asked, "To draw out all his savings"?


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Take the Choose-a-urinal Challenge!


Men should ace this test (or suffer the wrath of men everywhere)... women are on their own. But, there IS a code of the restroom that MUST be followed.

The following is the urinal configuration in a sample men's room. An X above the number will indicate "in use."

(Sample)

| | | x | | | x | indicates men are at stalls 3
| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | and 6.
-------------------------


You are to identify correctly, based on urinal etiquette, at which stall you are to correctly stand. Good luck!

Easy Section
1.)
| | x | | x | | | (Stalls 2 and 4 occupied.)
| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 |
-------------------------

Your choice: __
1 (easy). 6 - It's the ONLY one to go to and every guy instinctively knows this.




2.)
| x | | | | | | (1 occupied.)
| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 |
-------------------------

Your choice: __
2 (easy). 6 - Stall 5 is acceptable, but you run a greater risk of being next to someone who arrives later.




Kind Of Tricky Section:
3.)

| | | | | | | (empty)
| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 |
-------------------------

Your choice: __
3 (kind of tricky). 1 or 6 - You are tacitly saying, "I don't want anyone next to me."




4.)
| | x | | x | | x | (2, 4 and 6 occupied)
| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 |
-------------------------

Your choice: ___
4 (kind of tricky). 1 - You're stuck being next to at least ONE guy, so you minimize the impact and get a wall on your left. NEVER go between TWO guys if you can help it. Exceptions to this are stadium restrooms where the herd thunders in.




Subtle, Tricky, But Important To Know Section
5.)
| | x | | | x | x | (2, 5 and 6 occupied)
| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 |
-------------------------

Your choice: __
5 (HARD!). 4 - Believe it or not, 1 and 3 "couples" you with the guy in stall 2. And we wouldn't want THAT now, would we? ;-D This differs from question 4 in such a subtle way that the nuances cannot be explained. Suffice to say, only we men would understand!




VERY Tricky Indeed Section
6.)

| x | x | | | x | x | (1, 2, 5 and 6 occupied)
| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 |
-------------------------

Your choice: ___
6 (DAMN HARD!). NONE! You go to the mirror and pretend to comb your hair or straighten a tie until the urinals "open up" a bit more. If you have to go REAL, REAL BAD...for god's sake, man! ...use a doored stall.
Other parts of the Unwritten Code of the Urinals:




* NO Talking, unless it's a good friend... but even then, keep it terse and unemotional. This ain't no clubhouse.
* I don't think I need to tell you, absolutely NO touching of anyone other than yourself. A touch of another's elbow is of the highest offense.
* NO Singing. Period.
* Glances are for purposes of acknowledgment only..."Yeah, I see you there. I will not look again".


Who'd have thought SO much goes into a seemingly simple process?


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Why Jesus Was an Aussie



Proof that Jesus was Australian:

* He wore thongs.
* He was a chippy, who like all good union members didn't work on Sundays.
* His favourite past times were fishing, camping, going 4-wheel donkeying, and most of his mates were fishermen.
* He seemed to know a lot of prostitutes.
* His mates all had nicknames: The Rock, The Doubter, Simon Peter, The Baptist, so on and so forth.
* The only time he went to church as a young bloke he got into a fight.
* He was a champion surfer, it was like he could walk on water.
* He did a mean barbeque, 5000 people rock up, no wuckers throw a few fresh caught fish on the barbie, some buns and a bit of mum's potato salad (it's in the Gospel of Thomas, trust me) and bob's your uncle.
* No one is exactly sure where he was earning his quid from but he had a mate in the tax office so it was all sweet.
* And to top it all off, he turned water into alcohol and if that isn't an Australian miracle I don't know what is!


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Is There a God?



A large scientific organization in America (where else) decided to pose the question to it's Hitech computer. "Is there a GOD"? After feeding in all relevant information available they typed it in and waited. After a lot of hard disk searching and the checking of all drives the computer went into an eerie silence for a few hours and then started typing.

It's answer was "Insufficient data".

Not to be outdone the scientists in their infinite wisdom started gathering information on God from the Worlds libraries, archives, and archaelogy institutions. So much information was assembled that it was decided that one computer could not handle it all so all large computers in the States were linked together for the operation. Again the question was posed and all the computers went into action. After three days the answer was forthcomming.

"Not enough resources to compute answer".

This time they were going to get an answer to an age old problem and nothing would stop them. After months of negotiations with governments around the world they were able to link all the computers in the world together to produce the ultimate computer. Nothing would stop them now. Just to make sure they fed in all information even remotely connected to God.

The information entered and all computers linked a scientist typed in the question "Is there a God"?
The computer whirred into action checking all it's drives and then linking with all the other computers. After months of activity going from one computer to another the computer started typing the answer and everybody waited eagerly as it typed to the screen.

"There is now".


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Pay Rise




One Wednesday Martin demanded of his boss, "I must have a pay rise. You should realise there are three other companies after me".

"Really" replied Martin's boss, "And who might these companies be"?

"Southern Electricity, British Gas and British Telecom", answered Martin.


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Facts About Reindeer and Father Christmas

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer loose their antlers at the beginning of each winter, usually late November to mid-December.

Female reindeer retain their antlers until after they give birth in the spring.

Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa’s reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.

We should’ve known… ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit all the way around the world in one night and not get lost!


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Advice from a Sex Therapist

A woman sought the advice of a sex therapist, confiding that she found it increasingly difficult to find a man who could satisfy her, and that it was very wearisome getting in and out of all these short term relationships. "Isn't there some way to judge the size of a man's equipment from the outside" she asked earnestly?

"The only foolproof way, is by the size of his feet", counselled the therapist.

So the woman went downtown and proceeded to cruise the streets, until she came across a young fellow standing in an unemployment line with the biggest feet she had ever laid her eyes on. She took him out to dinner, wined and dined him, and then took him back to her apartment for an evening of abandon.

When the man woke up the next morning, the woman had already gone but, by the bedside table was a $20 bill and a note that read, "With my compliments, take this money and go out and buy a pair of shoes that fit".


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Family Togetherness.............

A man and woman were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.

"Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed son number one... "Sorry I'm running late... had an emergency, you know how it is, didn't have time to get you both a present".

Not to worry," said the dad..." the important thing is that we're all here together today".

Son number two arrived and announced, "You and Mom still look great, Dad. Just flew in from L.A. and didn't have time to get you a present... Sorry".

It's nothing," said the father, "Glad you were able to be here".

Just then the daughter arrived, "Hello both of you, Happy Anniversary! I'm sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing... so I didn't have time to get you guys anything".

Again the father said, "I really don't care, at least the five of us are together today".

After they had all finished dessert, the father put down his knife and fork, looked up and said, "Listen up, all three of you, there's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to raise each of you and send you to college. All through the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very much but... we just never found the time to get married".

The three kids gasp and said, "You mean we're bastards"?

Yep," said the dad..."and cheap ones too"!


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Handy Latin Phrases by Phil Brodie

It has come to my attention that a few of these Latin phrases are in the books written by Henry Beard, a great autor who has penned many amusing books including three containing Latin phrases "Latin For All Occasions", "Latin For Even More Occasions" and "X-Treme Latin: All the Latin You Need to Know for Survival in the 21st Century"


Aqua iacta est
The water is cast (better than... been to the loo!!)

Fac ut cubiculum
Get a room!

Semper in excretum sum sed alta variat
Always in the shit, but the depth varies

Potentia vobiscum
May the force be with you.

Laboris gloria Ludi
Work hard, Play hard

In vino veritas
In wine there is truth.

Magister Mundi sum!
I am the Master of the Universe!

Usus est magister optimus
Practice is the best teacher ... practice makes perfect.

Sic infit
So it begins / Thus it begins

Tempus fugit, mors venit
Time passes, death advances.

dum spiro, spero
As long as I breathe, I hope.

a agricola in agri est dignitas duos in urbs
A farmer in the field is worth two in the city

lupus non mordet lupum
a wolf does not bite a wolf

Espresso est, ergo cogito.
Espresso is, therefore I think

Spero nos familiares mansuros
I hope we'll still be friends.

Noli illegitimi carborundum
Don't let the bastards wear you down.

Audacter calumniare, semper aliquid haeret
Slander boldly, something always sticks

Stercus accidit
Shit happens

Erat abhinc viginti annis hodie, Centurio Piper catervam canere docebat
It was Twenty years ago today, Sgt. Pepper taught the band to play.

Aspice quod felix attracsit
Look what the cat dragged in.

Aequitas non facit ad angulum abuso ipsum sceleratum.
Equity does not go off to a corner and masturbate.

Servo Permaneo Bovis Provestri
Save the Last Bullet for Yourself

Te scindam
I'll cut you.

Veni, vidi et capiebar ad anum
I came, I saw and I endured a rear assault (said by Hannibal)

Pons asinorum
Bridge of asses

Persona non grata
Person not pleasing

Audio hostem
I hear the enemy

Semper ubi sub ubi
Always where under where (Always wear underwear)

Vestri matris
Your mom

Veni Vidi Volo in domum redire
I came, I saw, I want to go home

Si hoc legere scis nimium eruditionis habes
If you can read this, you're too educated

Magnus frater est vigilo vos
Big Brother is watching you

Fac ut vivas.
Get a life.

Mihi ignosce. Cum homine de cane debeo congredi.
Excuse me. I've got to see a man about a dog.

Noli me vocare, ego te vocabo.
Don't call me, I'll call you.

Radix lecti.
Couch potato.

Volo comparare nonnulla tegumembra.
I'd like to buy some condoms.

Sona si Latine loqueris.
Honk if you speak Latin.

Si hoc signum legere potes, operis boni in rebus Latinus alacribus
et fructuosis potiri potes!
If you can read this sign, you can get a good job in the fast-paced,
high-paying world of Latin!

Gramen artificiosum odi.
I hate Astroturf.

Utinam coniurati te in foro interficiant.
May conspirators assassinate you in the mall.

Cogito, ergo doleo.
I think, therefore I am depressed.

Abundant dulcibus vitiis.
Nobody's perfect.

Ventis secundis, tene cursum.
Go with the flow.

Si fractum non sit, noli id reficere.
If it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Ne auderis delere orbem rigidum meum.
Don't you dare erase my hard disk.

Illegitimi non carborundum.
Don't let the bastards burn you.

Braccae tuae aperiuntur.
Your fly is open.

Non curo. Si metrum non habet, non est poema.
I don't care. If it doesn't rhyme, it isn't a poem.

Furnulum pani nolo.
I don't want a toaster.

Morologus es!
You're talking like a moron!

Catapultam habeo. Nisi pecuniam omnem mihi dabis, ad caput tuum saxum immane mittam.
I have a catapult. Give me all the money, or I will fling an enormous rock at your head.

Sentio aliquos togatos contra me conspirare.
I think some people in togas are plotting against me.

Re vera, potas bene.
Say, you sure are drinking a lot.

Nihil curo de ista tua stulta superstitione.
I'm not interested in your dopey religious cult.

Tace atque abi.
Shut up and go away.

Utinam barbari spatium proprium tuum invadant.
May barbarians invade your personal space.

Quantum materiae materietur marmota monax si marmota monax materiam possit materiari?
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

Actio personalis monitur cum persona.
Dead men don't sue.

Vescere bracis meis.
Eat my shorts.

Prehende uxorem meam, sis!
Take my wife, please!

Actus non facit reum nisi mens est rea.
I never intended to kill anybody.

Non calor sed umor est qui nobis incommodat.
It's not the heat, it's the humidity.

Mellita, domi adsum.
Honey, I'm home.

Fac ut nemo me vocet.
Hold my calls.

Di! Ecce hora! Uxor mea me necabit!
God, look at the time! My wife will kill me!

Antiquis temporibus, nati tibi similes in rupibus ventosissimis exponebantur ad necem.
In the good old days, children like you were left to perish on windswept crags.

Estne volumen in toga, an solum tibi libet me videre?
Is that a scroll in your toga, or are you just happy to see me?

Fac ut gaudeam.
Make my day.

Labra lege.
Read my lips.

Purgamentum init, exit purgamentum.
Garbage in, garbage out.

Credo nos in fluctu eodem esse.
I think we're on the same wavelength.

Subucula tua apparet.
Your slip is showing.

Absolvi meam animam.
I got that off my chest.

Ante victoriam ne canas triumphum.
Don't count your chickens before they're hatched.

Apudne te vel me?
Your place or mine?

Da mihi sis crustum Etruscum cum omnibus in eo.
I'll have a pizza with everything on it.

Obesa cantavit.
The fat lady has sung.

Lex clavatoris designati rescindenda est.
The designated hitter rule has got to go.

Te audire no possum. Musa sapientum fixa est in aure.
I can't hear you. I have a banana in my ear.

Non sum pisces.
I am not a fish.

Caesar si viveret, ad remum dareris.
If Caesar were alive, you'd be chained to an oar.

Quomodo cogis comas tuas sic videri?
How do you get your hair to do that?

Canis meus id comedit.
My dog ate it.

Feles mala! Cur cista non uteris? Stramentum novum in ea posui.
Bad kitty! Why don't you use the cat box? I put new litter in it.

Romani quidem artem amatoriam invenerunt.
You know, the Romans invented the art of love.

Animadvertistine, ubicumque stes, fumum recta in faciem ferri?
Ever noticed how wherever you stand, the smoke goes right into your face?

Braccae illae virides cum subucula rosea et tunica Caledonia-quam elenganter concinnatur.
Those green pants go so well with that pink shirt and the plaid jacket.

Utinam logica falsa tuam philosophiam totam suffodiant.
May faulty logic undermine your entire philosophy.

Neutiquam erro.
I am not lost.

Hocine bibo aut in eum digitos insero?
Do I drink this or stick my fingers in it?

Vah! Denuone Latine loquebar? Me ineptum. Interdum modo elabitur.
Oh! Was I speaking Latin again? Silly me. Sometimes it just sort of slips out.


Courtesy of: JustJoolz
Nicked from: http://philbrodieband.com/jokes_latin_phrases.htm



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The Barber and Community Service


One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week'. The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week'. The cop is happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week'. The professor is very happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen different books, such as 'How to Improve Your Business' and 'Becoming More Successful'.

Then, a Member of Parliament comes in for a haircut , and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week'. The Member of Parliament is very happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the Members of Parliament.


Contributed by: Howard



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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself
¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

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