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Three Goats Let Loose in School

At a high school in Montana a group of students played a prank on the school.

They let three goats loose in the school.

Before they let them go they painted numbers on the sides of the goats: 1, 2 and 4.

Local school administrators spent most of the day looking for #3.

Submitted by: Bippichick


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The Court Ruling on Viagra Being Made Available Free on the Uk's National Health Service

A court usher in the UK, at a hearing to determine whether Viagra, should be made freely available through the UK's National Health Service, managed to raise smiles and muffled laughter from lawyers and observers by ordering: 'ALL RISE'!

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Absolutely Hilarious Computer Quotes

If at first you don't succeed; call it version 1.0

The Internet: where men are men, women are men, and children are FBI agents.

Some things Man was never meant to know. For everything else, there's Google.

unzip; strip; touch; finger; mount; fsck; more; yes; unmount; sleep - my daily unix command list

... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs. - Robert Firth

If Python is executable pseudocode, then perl is executable line noise.

The more I C, the less I see.

To err is human... to really foul up requires the root password.

After Perl everything else is just assembly language.

If brute force doesn't solve your problems, then you aren't using enough.

Life would be so much easier if we only had the source code.

Unix is user-friendly. It's just very selective about who its friends are.

COBOL programmers understand why women hate periods.

“Programming is like sex, one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.” — Michael Sinz

There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don't.

640K ought to be enough for anybody. - This is not humorous by itself; but in the context it's a classic by Bill Gates in 1981

Microsoft: You've got questions. We've got dancing paperclips.

Microsoft is not the answer. Microsoft is the question. NO is the answer. - Erik Naggum

Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Computers are from hell.

SUPERCOMPUTER: what it sounded like before you bought it.

Windows95: It's like upgrading from Reagan to Bush.

People say Microsoft paid 14M$ for using the Rolling Stones song 'Start me up' in their commercials. This is wrong. Microsoft payed 14M$ only for a part of the song. For instance, they didn't use the line 'You'll make a grown man cry'.

I'm not anti-social; I'm just not user friendly

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

The best accelerator available for a Mac is one that causes it to go at 9.81 m/s2.

A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history - with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila

1f u c4n r34d th1s u r34lly n33d t0 g37 l41d

To go forward, you must backup.

I would love to change the world, but they won't give me the source code

A Windows user spends 1/3 of his life sleeping, 1/3 working, 1/3 waiting.

My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.

Better to be a geek than an idiot.

Windows isn't a virus, viruses do something.

Geek's favorite pickup line: Hey, does this rag smell like chloroform?

Be nice to geeks when you're in school, you might end-up working for one when you grow-up.

Difference between a virus and windows ? Viruses rarely fail.

Evolution is God's way of issuing upgrades.

The only problem with troubleshooting is that sometimes trouble shoots back.

It's a little-known fact that the Y1K problem caused the Dark Ages.

The box said 'Required Windows 95 or better'. So, I installed LINUX.

Computer are like air conditioners: they stop working when you open windows.

once upon a midnight dreary, while i pron surfed, weak and weary,
over many a strange and spurious site of 'hot xxx galore'.
While i clicked my fav'rite bookmark, suddenly there came a warning, and my heart was filled with mourning, mourning for my dear amour,
'Tis not possible!, i muttered, give me back my free hardcore!
quoth the server, 404.

Mac users swear by their Mac,
PC users swear at their PC.

Like car accidents, most hardware problems are due to driver error.

Dating a girl is just like writing software. Everything's going to work just fine in the testing lab (dating), but as soon as you have contract with a customer (marriage), then your program (life) is going to be facing new situations you never expected. You'll be forced to patch the code (admit you're wrong) and then the code (wife) will just end up all bloated and unmaintainable in the end.

Real men don't use backups, they post their stuff on a public ftp server and let the rest of the world make copies. - Linus Torvalds

There are 10 kinds of people in the world, those that understand trinary, those that don't, and those that confuse it with binary.

If you give someone a program, you will frustrate them for a day; if you teach them how to program, you will frustrate them for a lifetime.

It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice versa.

I had a fortune cookie the other day and it said: 'Outlook not so good'. I said: 'Sure, but Microsoft ships it anyway'.

The nice thing about standards is that there are so many to choose from.

The term reboot comes from the middle age (before computers). Horses who stopped in mid-stride required a boot to the rear to start again. Thus the term to rear-boot, later abbreviated into reboot.

Programmers are tools for converting caffeine into code.

The great thing about Object Oriented code is that it can make small, simple problems look like large, complex ones.

Hacking is like sex. You get in, you get out, and hope that you didn't leave something that can be traced back to you.

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Broken Leg

"How did it happen" the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set the man's broken leg?

"Well, doc, 25 years ago"...

"Never mind the past. Tell me how you broke your leg this morning".

"Like I was saying...25 years ago, when I first started working on the farm, that night, right after I'd gone to bed, the farmer's beautiful daughter came into my room. She asked me if there was anything I wanted.

I said, "No, everything is fine".

"Are you sure" she asked?

"I'm sure", I said.

"Isn't there anything I can do for you" she wanted to know?

"I reckon not", I replied.

"Excuse me," said the doctor, "What does this story have to do with your leg"?

"Well, this morning," the farmhand explained, "when it dawned on me what she meant, I fell off the roof"!

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Little Johnny in his Biology Class

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. 'Human Beings are the only animals that stutter', she says.

Little Johnny raises his hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered'.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked little Johnny to describe the incident.

'Well', he began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard'!

'That must've been scary', said the teacher.

'It sure was,' said little Johnny. 'My kitty raised his back, went Sssss, Sssss, Sssss' and before he could say "Shit", the Rottweiler ate him'!

The teacher wet her pants laughing.

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Two Priests Decide to go to Hawaii for a Vacation...

They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.

As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their 'tourist' garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a 'drop dead gorgeous' blonde in a topless bikini came walking straight toward them, They couldn't help but stare.

As the blonde passed them she smiled and said 'Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father', nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests? So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits.

These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them! Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different coloured topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them.

Again she nodded at each of them, and said 'Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,' and started to walk away.

One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, 'Just a minute, young lady'.

'Yes, Father'?

'We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are'?

She replied, 'Father, it's me, Sister Kathleen'.

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Latest Financial News Items

1. Ali Baba and the forty thieves are now Ali Baba and the thirty thieves. Ten were laid off

2. Batman and Robin are now Batman and Pedro. Batman fired Robin and hired Pedro because Pedro was willing to work twice the hours at the same rate

3. Iron man now "air-pooling" with Superman to save fuel costs.

4. Women finally marrying for love, and not money

5. Q: With the current market turmoil, what's the easiest way to make a small fortune?
A: Start off with a large one.

6. The credit crunch is getting bad isn't it? I mean, I let my brother borrow $10 a couple of weeks back, it turns out I'm now America’s third biggest lender.

7. Q: Why have Dubai real estate agents stopped looking out of the window in the morning?
A: Because otherwise they'd have nothing to do in the afternoon.

8. Q: What's the difference between an American and a Zimbabwean?
A: In a few weeks, nothing.

9. Dow Jones is re-branded as "Down Jones".

10. Quote from a Wall Street banker:
This is worse than divorce. I’ve lost half of my assets and I still have my wife…!!!!

Another one from Jlo

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Economics Simplified

In a small town on the South Coast of France, holiday season is in full swing, but it is raining so there is not too much business happening. Everyone is heavily in debt, depressed by the global financial crisis.

Luckily, a rich Russian tourist arrives in the foyer of the small local hotel. He asks for a room and puts a Euro100 note on the reception counter, takes a key and goes to inspect the room located up the stairs on the third floor.

The hotel owner takes the banknote in hurry and rushes to his meat supplier to whom he owes E100.

The butcher takes the money and races to his wholesale supplier to pay his debt.

The wholesaler rushes to the farmer to pay E100 for pigs he purchased some time ago.

The farmer triumphantly gives the E100 note to a local prostitute who gave him her services on credit.

The prostitute goes quickly to the hotel, as she owed the hotel for her hourly room use to entertain clients.

At that moment, the rich Russian is coming down to reception and informs the hotel owner that the proposed room is unsatisfactory and takes his E100 back and departs.

There was no profit or income. But everyone no longer has any debt and the small town people look optimistically towards their future.


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A Message from your Prime Minister

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of the economy, your Government has decided to implement a scheme to put workers 50 years of age and older on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the government to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination).

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the government deems appropriate.

Only persons who have been RAPED can get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).

Obviously, persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the government.

Persons, who are not RAPED and are staying on, will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. The government has always prided itself in the amount of SHIT it gives out. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your local MP. They have been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.


Gordon Brown MP

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A lady and her dog were enjoying a stroll in the park when her dog was mounted from behind by a large Rotweiler. The Rot was really humping away and the lady was frantically trying to break them up, to no avail.

A small boy walked up and stuck his finger in the Rot's butt, and the action immediately stopped.

The lady was amazed. "How did you do that?" she asked.

The little boy said, "That's my dog! He can dish it out, but he can't take it!"

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This can save your bacon


The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

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